what you see depends solely on what you look for.
a guy came into starbucks the other day looking for an outlet, but there weren't any tables left close enough for him to plug in his laptop. a young woman noticed and offered him her table. love is thoughtful and kind.
a lady showed up to our mid-week life group for the first time ever last week and became emotional during the movie we were watching. I went out to get her some Kleenex, only to return to find two of our group members surrounding her and rubbing her back. love comforts.
i haven't been at my best lately. feeling anxious and fighting depression. my housemates sent me a text asking if i needed any soup 'or anything' the other day, to which i replied, "more like some pizza. j/k". a few hours later, my friend Justin knocked on my door and handed me a piece of the pizza he made for dinner. love notices and reaches out.
a mentor of mine once told me that when possible, it was in my best intention to bring a friend with me to any ministry related events. i had a speaking engagement last week and asked a great friend of mine if she would come along with me and she did. love supports.
another friend of mine is graduating university this december. she called me the other day to let me know that she paid for my flight to texas so that i could be there to celebrate with her. love is generous.
a lady at the community dinner i help with on saturdays is quite sick. she can be quite demanding and moody at times - and truthfully, very needy and time consuming - but as i remind myself of each week every time i see her, love is beautiful and patient. (lord knows i'm not always easy to deal with, either).
it always protects.
always trusts
always hopes
and always perseveres.
love never gives up.
what you see depends solely on what you look for, and all i see is love.
Monday, October 30, 2017
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
there are different kinds of depression, you see.
there's the kind that comes with losing a loved one (either by death or breakup) or a job, financial or relational stress, unmet expectations, you name it. i call this type of depression circumstantial. though it can be deep and often hard to shake, you're aware of the source of it.
then there's the kind i fought this past week - the kind that creeps up on you and doesn't make sense. no matter how hard you try, you can't figure out what's wrong.
you have so much to be thankful for - you know that - and yet, your brain - no matter how hard you try and stop it - keeps highlighting your lack, and making crap up.
you're a failure.
no one loves you.
they're using you.
don't bother reaching out - no one will understand.
they have both parents. you have none.
they have a spouse and kids. you don't have those, either.
and you never will.
you'll always be alone.
that was my thought process more or less the past week. some more intense than others, some more frequent than most.
here's the thing - these thoughts are so damn irrational. i know that. that's why this kind of depression doesn't make sense to me.
how can something you know isn't true seem true?
a lot of you won't be able to understand this, i know (i can't even put it into words a lot of the time), but for those of you who do,
keep fighting. reach out. seek peace. lock yourself in your room and turn off the lights if you have to. take a nap. pray. write. pet a dog. hold a baby. go see a movie. spend some time outside. go for a walk. do what you have to do. just don't give up.
i'm not giving up - don't you, either.
there's the kind that comes with losing a loved one (either by death or breakup) or a job, financial or relational stress, unmet expectations, you name it. i call this type of depression circumstantial. though it can be deep and often hard to shake, you're aware of the source of it.
then there's the kind i fought this past week - the kind that creeps up on you and doesn't make sense. no matter how hard you try, you can't figure out what's wrong.
you have so much to be thankful for - you know that - and yet, your brain - no matter how hard you try and stop it - keeps highlighting your lack, and making crap up.
you're a failure.
no one loves you.
they're using you.
don't bother reaching out - no one will understand.
they have both parents. you have none.
they have a spouse and kids. you don't have those, either.
and you never will.
you'll always be alone.
that was my thought process more or less the past week. some more intense than others, some more frequent than most.
here's the thing - these thoughts are so damn irrational. i know that. that's why this kind of depression doesn't make sense to me.
how can something you know isn't true seem true?
a lot of you won't be able to understand this, i know (i can't even put it into words a lot of the time), but for those of you who do,
keep fighting. reach out. seek peace. lock yourself in your room and turn off the lights if you have to. take a nap. pray. write. pet a dog. hold a baby. go see a movie. spend some time outside. go for a walk. do what you have to do. just don't give up.
i'm not giving up - don't you, either.
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
my backpack mirrors my brain today; it's bright but full of clutter.
i had my whole day planned before i went to bed last night. get up early and make some oatmeal work on my life group talk for tomorrow. make an important phone call, write a birthday card and letter, blog, go to work, prepare for life group some more and so forth.
only i slept in. granted, it was only ten minutes, but those ten minutes threw me off guard.
a minute later, i received a text from my friend and housemate, justin, asking me if i wanted to go get some work done at our local starbucks. i said yes and immediately felt stressed.
the amount of time it took me to shower and make oatmeal stressed me out. so did the pile of dishes in the sink that greeted me, and the fact that the garbage men come tomorrow and i had to get that organized before i left for the day. not to mention packing a lunch and snacks so i don't spend money and eat crap, and trying to remember the million other things i needed to pack to ensure that i was set for the day and didn't forget anything (which i did, by the way).
and then i get to starbucks and my friend needed to talk (not complaining - this will always be a priority), my laptop wouldn't work, and i wasted a lot of time fighting with it AND a wasp that kept attacking me. and on top of all of this, i missed an important call and sent an unnecessary text (and beat myself up for it).
needless to say, i feel a little overwhelmed today, because, well, my brain is cluttered with so. many. unnecessary. things.
ever have one of those days? days when you feel you can't keep up and everything is going wrong? if so, you're in a good company.
BUT here is my advice to you - to us - this afternoon as i sit here and reflect on my chaotic morning:
keep the minor stuff, minor, and the major stuff, major.
those dishes in the sink? they can wait. that stuff you forgot at home? forget about it. the text you sent? you can't take it back. that wasp that's pestering you? kill it. (or trap it and set it free, wasp lovers).
you catch my drift.
instead, focus on the fact that you have a friend sitting next to you and that you were able to be present when he needed you to be. that your laptop eventually started working again and that you have a backpack full of things - or the biggest major of all (or at least, my biggest major): that bad days end, everything always has its way of working out, and above all else, God loves me (you) and cares about every single detail of my (your) life and is always by my (your) side.
i leave you with this:
"as Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named martha opened her home to him. she had a sister called mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. but Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. she came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? tell her to help me!”
“martha, martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed — or indeed only one. mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her”.
few things are needed - indeed only one.
keep the minor stuff, minor, and the major stuff, major.
i had my whole day planned before i went to bed last night. get up early and make some oatmeal work on my life group talk for tomorrow. make an important phone call, write a birthday card and letter, blog, go to work, prepare for life group some more and so forth.
only i slept in. granted, it was only ten minutes, but those ten minutes threw me off guard.
a minute later, i received a text from my friend and housemate, justin, asking me if i wanted to go get some work done at our local starbucks. i said yes and immediately felt stressed.
the amount of time it took me to shower and make oatmeal stressed me out. so did the pile of dishes in the sink that greeted me, and the fact that the garbage men come tomorrow and i had to get that organized before i left for the day. not to mention packing a lunch and snacks so i don't spend money and eat crap, and trying to remember the million other things i needed to pack to ensure that i was set for the day and didn't forget anything (which i did, by the way).
and then i get to starbucks and my friend needed to talk (not complaining - this will always be a priority), my laptop wouldn't work, and i wasted a lot of time fighting with it AND a wasp that kept attacking me. and on top of all of this, i missed an important call and sent an unnecessary text (and beat myself up for it).
needless to say, i feel a little overwhelmed today, because, well, my brain is cluttered with so. many. unnecessary. things.
ever have one of those days? days when you feel you can't keep up and everything is going wrong? if so, you're in a good company.
BUT here is my advice to you - to us - this afternoon as i sit here and reflect on my chaotic morning:
keep the minor stuff, minor, and the major stuff, major.
those dishes in the sink? they can wait. that stuff you forgot at home? forget about it. the text you sent? you can't take it back. that wasp that's pestering you? kill it. (or trap it and set it free, wasp lovers).
you catch my drift.
instead, focus on the fact that you have a friend sitting next to you and that you were able to be present when he needed you to be. that your laptop eventually started working again and that you have a backpack full of things - or the biggest major of all (or at least, my biggest major): that bad days end, everything always has its way of working out, and above all else, God loves me (you) and cares about every single detail of my (your) life and is always by my (your) side.
i leave you with this:
"as Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named martha opened her home to him. she had a sister called mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. but Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. she came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? tell her to help me!”
“martha, martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed — or indeed only one. mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her”.
few things are needed - indeed only one.
keep the minor stuff, minor, and the major stuff, major.
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