i was in and out of the walk in clinic in less than twenty minutes today - meds in hand and all.

next week marks a month on fluoxetine. i haven't gotten my menstrual cycle yet (sorry, fellas) so it's hard to see if they're working in their entirety, but i feel good about being on them and haven't experienced any of the many negative side-effects that the pharmacist warned me about when i picked up my first bottle; i'd say that's a win-win.

i've been keeping track of my moods, though. every day before i go to bed, i write a line or two in my journal, stating how i felt that day and the circumstances that could have influenced my mood either way. happy to report that i haven't had a bad day since the last thursday in november, in fact, most of my days have been full of the people i love and ... so much christmas.

taking care of yourself is in no ways easy, especially in such a demanding season, but i've learned that it's most beneficial.

i woke up late this morning (sleep is a part of taking care of yourself) and was reminded by facebook that it was this day three years a go when i got the call saying that we were running out of time and that i had to make the trek to ottawa if i wanted to see my mom before she passed away (this was completely unexpected or i else i would have already been there.) i could replay that day over and over in my head if i wanted to, but instead, i choose to remember her, thank God that she made it through that day and that we got to spend one last Christmas with her.

i've realized today how important it is to remember. we can get so caught up in the the joy and busyness of the season that we forget to pause and feel. feel the grief. the loss. the hole. the excitement. the love, the joy, and most importantly, the reason for the season (and the one who carries us through the chaos), Jesus.

need some help with this today? have a listen to "light of the world" by lauren daigle. it's on repeat over here.

merry christmas, everyone.

baby, it's cold inside.

no, really. my furnace is broken.

BUT i have a roof over my head, a duvet to sleep in, and thanks to my neighbours, a portable fire place thing-a-ma-bobber that is currently heating my front room.

i can't help but think of my friends on the streets in times like these. the cold is a lot more bearable with all of the above, and because i know that a handy man (hopefully a handsome handy man) will be here tomorrow between 8a.m and noon to fix it. my friends, you see, they don't have that luxury.

part of my role with project serve, youth unlimited is to come alongside great organizations in the GTA who are doing what they can to provide warmth, shelter, clothes and food to those who don't have access to these things otherwise. organizations like st felix centre, who open their doors to 300+ people a day and pump out over 9,000 meals/month. or st. francis table, who just recently hit the million dollar meal mark. not to mention the good shepherd or scott mission, who provide a warm bed for those who see themselves as in a season of transition or stuck in a cycle of poverty.

my team and i do what we can to support these organizations by providing them with the necessary volunteers thanks to the countless youth who sign up for one of our service project trips each year. we get to run pre-trip workshops, serve alongside the youth for weeks at a time and help them process what they're seeing, feeling and learning with the intent that they go back and serve in their own communities. it's a win-win, really. the youth walk away transformed and end up transforming our (their) city, organizations get the help that they need to run their programs effectively and i get to use my gifts and live my dream.

but i can't do it alone.

youth unlimited requires all of their staff to fund raise their salary, and thanks to many generous donors, i have raised enough to work twenty hours a week. would you consider helping me increase the amount of time i am able to work by supporting me $20/month (or any amount that your heart so desires) and/or by donating a one-time end of the year (and very tax receiptable) gift by copying and pasting the link below? (it won't let me add the link.) in doing so, you won't only be helping invest in the lives of countless young people, but you'll be helping "paula falla her calla' by doing what she cans to spread love to those who need it the most.

www.paulac.yugta.ca

i had this brilliant gift idea once. i convinced my siblings that we should go and get a professional picture done for my parents' christmas gift. we'd make an appointment, put on our best complementary outfits and let the camera man work his magic.

only his magic left me wishing he had cropped yours truly out. i had my hair down that day. the photographer asked me to tuck it behind my ears so i did, which in turn made me look like a big eared (insert anything that has big ears here.) i looked hideous. so you can imagine my excitement every christmas when my dad would wrap it like a present and hang it on the wall. it was the most wonderful time of the year after all.

and it still is (okay, okay, next to thanksgiving and baseball season) and i've been intentional about celebrating it more than any other year this year. so far i'm doing good; i've rocked an elf's sweater and had breakfast with santa, bought myself a week's worth of christmas socks, written close to 40 christmas cards, helped decorate a tree, bought some presents, belted out some christmas tunes, drank a few glasses of egg nog and a few christmas lattes, and as of today, wrapped the one picture i have hanging on my wall in my bedroom just like my dad used to do. in a small way, it helps me be intentional about celebrating him, too.

next up: conquering my mom's butterball cookie recipe.

i took my seventh pill this morning.

so far, i'm not experiencing any side effects, which i'm super happy about, and i'm about a week and a bit away from seeing if they're doing the trick (although it may take a little longer for me to see a difference due to the fact that i experience bouts of joy as a regular part of my life without them, too.)

that being said, medication doesn't give you joy or 'take your pain away'; it just helps lift the fog long enough for you to be able to see and think more clearly.

of course, other things help, too: like sitting near a window or going for a walk. eating fruits and vegetables. praying. journalling. seeing a counselor. doing things that bring you life. surrounding yourself with good people or sleeping on a friend's couch (all of which i have been doing the past week in addition to swallowing a pill each day.) for me, one side of the equation isn't effective without the other. for you, it may look different. but either way, i'm certain of one thing as i type this: life (and life to its full) is worth fighting for and tomorrow needs you. tomorrow needs us.