a few weeks a go, 180 youth workers and i gathered downtown toronto for our annual eastern regional retreat. our theme this year? joy =)

our main speaker talked about a tragic day in 1998 when a drunk driver crashed into his family van - taking the life of both of his parents and his two younger sisters - and what his journey to finding joy has looked like ever since.

our second speaker spoke about joy, too (that's what happens when you pick a theme), only she spoke about it from a different place, a place of lament; she didn't survive tragedy over twenty years a go, she's living through it today.

both, however, had the same conclusion; whether you've made it through the thick of it or are right smack dab in the middle of it, joy can be found in christ.

now, let it be said that pain is real and often raw, life is hard and complicated, and choosing joy isn't easy. both speakers have had their share of "whys" and "what ifs", "why mes" and "how long, oh Lords", but they'd be the first to tell you that they've had their share of joy, too, proving that it's possible to find joy in the middle of the night.

for me, volunteering (serving) has been a source of joy (and often a lifesaver), which is one of the many reasons why i have decided to dedicate my life to teaching students the importance of giving back to their own community. taking our eyes off of our own problems, and fixating them on others (for a time), not only helps others, but in turn helps us. love works wonders that way. and joy? joy meets us there.

i can't help but think of one students that came through our program this past year as i type this. we had just got back from serving over 300 people dinner in regent park that night. i asked her how her experience was, to which she replied, "never have i felt so happy in all of my life." (if you asked me, i could point out the exact place we were when she told me that.).

never has she felt so alive in all of her life.

and neither have i.

can i invite you to help me spread joy today by being a part of my team?

you can do so by joining me in prayer, running a marathon on my behalf/holding a fundraiser (bake sale, anyone?), or by copying and pasting the following link in your browser (http://www.paulac.yugta.ca/) and following the instructions you'll find there. (donations are tax receiptable.)

let's spread some joy together!

(*disclaimer - fundraising is (very) uncomfortable, but i love my job (even though it feels like more of a calling) and believe in youth enough to accept it as part of my job and work hard at it despite how humbling and awkward it can be*)

let me tell you a story.

"in the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was job. this man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil. he had seven sons and three daughters, and he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and had a large number of servants. he was the greatest man among all the people of the east" (job 1:1-3)

and then job lost everything. and i mean everything. his animals and servants, his house and kids, and shortly after, his health.

his response? let's look at verse 20:

"naked i came from my mother’s womb,
and naked i will depart.
the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.”

INSANE! i mean the dude just lost everything and yet remained upright, choosing to praise the one who gave him all of his blessings in the first place?! (not your normal response to suffering, is it?!)

a while later, however, his humanness surfaces as he begins to question why he, an upright man of all people, had to suffer. (that's more like it.) he questions God - and God challenges his outlook - basically reminding him that he knows nothing and God knows everything and can be trusted. ouch. (see chapter 38)

job's reflection a few chapters later? "i had only heard about you (God) before, but now i have seen you with my own eyes"; his suffering allowed him to see, and draw closer to, God, and ours can, too.

the bible says that "God is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" and i can honestly say that i, like job, can attest to this. have i questioned why certain things have happened to me or why 'bad things happen to good people?' absolutely. i think it's normal to. but i can honestly say that i have experienced God's closeness and goodness on a deeper level because i have suffered, not because i haven't.

suffering can also draw you closer to other people.

the recent 'me too' movement is not only powerful because of the fact that courage begets courage, but also because there's a certain empowerment that comes with knowing that you're not alone in your struggle. there's comfort in numbers; sharing what you're going through allows others to either relate and connect to your story or at the very least, (try and) understand it.

i can recall many times where i have felt less alone simply because a friend reached out, picked up a phone, remembered my mom and i on mother's day, made my dad's favourite meal for me on (what would have been) his birthday, listened, took me out for coffee, prayed with me, held me as i cried, you name it.

suffering not only creates, equips, helps develop a deeper appreciation for life and produces perseverance (see previous blog), but it also has the ability to draw you closer to God and others, ensuring us that we don't have to suffer alone.

"we assume life will go a certain way, and then it doesn't...and we find ourselves in a place we never would have imagined on our own. and so it was difficult and unexpected and maybe even tragic - and yet it opened us up and freed us to see things in a whole new way. suffering does that; it hurts, but it also creates."

i've been thinking about the tension between pain and suffering (which often feels like death) and the benefits of it (which can be extremely life-giving) a lot lately as we approach the third anniversary of my mom's death.

trust me when i say that i would do anything (and i mean anything) for the chance to hug my beautiful mom (and dad) once again and it pains me to know that i am unable to. there are days when i wish i never knew what it was like to wrestle with depression (both related and unrelated to the loss of my parents), and days when i wish i didn't feel this unshakeable loneliness that i do as a result, either.

BUT, as i've learned over the years, all of the stuff that i have suffered through in my life has made me a better friend, youth worker, and person, period; because of all of the above, i am able to connect with people on a deeper level; i'm much more compassionate, i'm a better listener and helper and i know what to say (most of the time) and what not to say (also most of the time.) suffering equips.

it can also develop a deeper appreciation for life.

i can honestly say that i'm the happiest, most at peace, and most content that i have ever been in my entire life. my parents gave me the gift of life, but in their death they gave me the greatest gift of all: a desire to live mine to its full.

the key is to be able to find a healthy balance between processing/grieving/feeling, and choosing to get up each day and enjoy my life in the midst of pain and suffering, and i do so with great intention; i let myself process the reasons i feel sad/depressed/stressed at any given time and let myself feel it (our feelings are valid and often point to something deeper), but i also refuse to let them paralyze me and prevent me from living my best life. on these (now few and far between) days, i let myself feel what i need to feel for a short while and then wipe my eyes and keep going. i force myself to get up and do things that bring me life; go for a walk, spend time in chapters, watch a ball game, send an encouraging email or text, hang out with a friend - you name it. suffering produces perseverance.

you may not be able to relate to the grief and pain that comes with losing a parent, suffer with a mental illness, or understand anything that i have mentioned in this blog specifically, but we all know what it's like to suffer in our own way. the question is, will you allow the pain that once paralyzed you to be used to create something good?

whatever it is that you're going through today, don't just suffer; lean in to its benefits.

imagine with me for a minute that you land your dream job. it's everything you could imagine; you get to work with your favourite people group (in my case, youth), there's a teaching element to it (you love to teach), you have a great team surrounding you (actually, the best team), you get to partner with organizations who care about those who are stuck in a cycle of poverty and homelessness ... and the list goes on.

the only clincher? you have to fundraise your salary. yes you read that right - FUNd-raise.

now, it seemed daunting at the beginning - a task i wasn't particular fond of - but as time went on i saw people partner with me (coworkers, old friends and new and even some 'randoms' like a one-time customer at mcdonalds whom i never saw again), my heart began to swell. every single person that has given me money (whether monthly or through a one-time gift) not only has a post-it note on my wall to remind me of their generosity and support, but they are very much so a part of the work i do. in fact, i couldn't do what i do without them.

to date, my account is running low - as in i may not have a job in three months low. i'm not worried, i have the utmost confidence in the fact that i am in the right place (and even more confidence in the Lord's provision and calling on my life), but i know i have some asking to do, starting with this blog.

would you consider being a part of my team by supporting me monthly? (i would need thirty of you to consider donating a very tax receiptable $20/month to stay afloat for this year at 20 hours a week, or the equivalent of $600 more a month.)

what i get: to keep my dream job.

what you get: a tax receipt, the knowledge that your money is being put to good use (investing in youth, partnering with non profits and my work (project serve, youth unlimited) in helping spread love to those on the margins of society, and ... more of me; encouragement cards, coffee (if you live in close enough proximity) and other stuff depending on what you need. (we're a team!)

convinced? great. copy and paste the following link and follow instructions for one time or monthly gifts: www.paulac.yugta.ca (unfortunately it won't let me connect the link here.)

have questions? get at me (through whichever means you clicked this blog.)

neither? i get it and still love you =) (though i do give to a few charities myself, i can't give to all.)

ps. if you're american and want to donate and get a tax receipt, let me know as you have to go through our american partner.

i was scrolling through netflix as most of us do, and came across a documentary by the name of 'Avicii: true stories'. fascinated by his life, i clicked on it and found myself captivated for the next hour and a bit.

here's a kid (he was 21 when he started his music career) who had 'everything'; mad talent, potential, heart, soul, and a lot of money (like the 'he once donated a million dollars to help alleviate hunger' amount of money), yet he suffered with debilitating anxiety.

this is true of many people, and as we've been made aware of over the past few years especially, celebrities aren't exempt from such a battle. take robin williams, anthony bourdain and kate spade for example - it's just as prone to affect those who we think 'possess everything' than it is for you or i to struggle with our mental health.

although i have resonated with many of their stories, i liked this documentary in particular because it didn't just talk about how tim bergling (avicii) tragically took his own life at age 28 by way of a broken wine bottle (SO HEARTBREAKING), but it let us in on his process.

while he was doing what he was made to do (writing and performing music), he felt anxious, and when he wasn't, he - you guessed it - felt anxious. no matter what he did to cope (drinking a few drinks before his show, meeting with a doctor and psychiatrist, changing his diet, exercising etc), he couldn't seem to escape the stress and internal conflict.

now, while i have no desire to take my own life, knowing that someone else understands the inner (and at times, very illogical) conflict that i feel at times (and was able to bravely express it) not only assures me that i'm not alone, but spurs me on to tell my own story knowing that it may help someone else feel less alone in their battle, too.

that's the beauty of bell let's talk day; talking doesn't only (potentially) help the ones who suffer, but it helps others understand.

of course, the same can be said about anything else we face, too:

your marriage is falling apart. (someone else's is, too)

your kids aren't doing well in school and/or hanging around the 'wrong' crowd. (someone else's kids are, too)

you're grieving the loss of a loved one (welcome to the club.)

no matter how hard you try, you can't nip that bad habit in the bud (we're all struggling.)

enter whatever else you're struggling with here (so many have something to add here, too.)

i can't help but wonder if avicii would still be here if he knew that he wasn't alone in his battle. sure, he reached out - that was evident in his documentary, but i'm not convinced that he knew that he wasn't alone in his struggle. (it makes me sad just typing that.)

so ... whether you're struggling today or not, i want you to know (even before bell let's talk day) that you're not alone, i see you, it gets better, and tomorrow needs you. keep fighting.

with love & understanding,

paula

as i'm sure you've noticed, there's a video circulating about a group of youth mocking Omaha elder and Vietnam veteran, nathan phillips, after an anti-abortion rally in washington, and frankly, there are so many things wrong with this picture. (the only right thing with this picture is how well nathan responded.)

that being said, this blog isn't going to touch on how wrong the youth were, how deep our racism roots go, how stupid white supremacy is, or what i think about anti-abortion rally to begin with, but i will say this: this is very much so learnt behaviour.

we all have to take responsibility for our own actions, and these youth are no exception, but we adults/leaders/the government need to take responsibility, too. if there's one thing i have learned while working with youth, it's this: they don't always do what they're told, but they do model what they see, and calling this kid a 'punk' (among other names) isn't acknowledging our part in this, either.

truthfully, i'm at a loss of where to go from here, but i do think the solution lies within each of us; we all have the ability to make a dent in how the world treats one another by checking our own hearts and ridding them of even the slightest degree of prejudice or racism, by doing what we can to model love and acceptance to all, and by peacefully stepping in and defending one another when such actions call for it. the students weren't the only ones at fault here; by staying silent, others participated, too. i should know. i stood by in silence myself once.

i was sitting at a mcdonalds late at night when a belligerent 'homeless' man started yelling at a man who identified as sikh. i wasn't paying too much attention to what was being said, but before i could figure it out, man number two got up and moved tables as mr belligerence made am ignorant statement that still haunts me years later, "go back to your country - you don't belong here!"

i wanted to say something, i really did. but i froze. ashamedly, i was afraid of what this angry man would do to me. i thought about saying something to the young man who moved tables, too, but what could i say? "i heard what he said to you and he's not right. you belong here"? maybe. but i feared that in doing so, i would just make things more awkward for him, so i did something that i regret to this day; i stayed silent.

would i have done something had i had been at this rally? i'm certain i would have, but not because i am braver or better than anyone else, but because i made a vow that day to God and myself that i would never (unintentionally) choose sides by being silent again, because, well, we are choosing sides when we choose to be silent.

i'm not saying you need to jump in front of a bullet, or put yourself in danger (that is for you and i to discern in the moment if it ever comes down to it), but there are ways in which we can stand up for what is right at any given time. stand with the one being mocked and bullied. say something. educate yourself and others, i don't know. all i know is that what happened this weekend is not okay, and although we are quick to point fingers, it isn't just a group of catholic students who are at fault here. a lot of us are.