i'm sitting at a table in my old stomping grounds, mcdonalds, pluggling away on this week's to-do-list. it's been great being able to chat with some of my old crew and regulars here and there, periodic breaks that the A.D.D in me welcomes with open arms.

most of the people who have been excited to see me haven't surprised me - i spent a considerable amount of time investing into this place (and it in me) - but one customer in particular made me remember just how much of a long lasting difference we can make in someone else's life without even knowing it, and in the simplest of ways.

"you know, paula" he said, "the people here are good, but every once in a while you run into someone who is exceptional, and that person is you. we miss you here. i miss being able to see you when i'm having a bad day."

"gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones" (proverbs 16:24), and whether here, at work, or by text, i have been a recipient of many of these the past few days, proving that a word of life begets ... life.

speaking of life (how's that for a segue?), with the exception of instagram (it's the only thing i have in terms of a photo album), i took myself off of social media for a bit (maybe permanently.) it's a scary thing feeling disconnected, but i can tell you that the past few days have been incredibly freeing. my 'screen time' has not only decreased (thanks for keeping track, apple), but i've been able to focus on 'watering my own lawn' instead of being made to believe that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence (although my neighbours, pete and jackie, are much better at taking care of their lawn than i am.)

i got out of bed yesterday after a few days of feeling defeated by depression, headed to work, crossed a lot off of my to-do list and had a few life-giving conversations with some of my friends from work. i came home feeling happy for the first time in a few days, made a delicious dinner (cooking makes me come alive), locked myself in my room and started working on (and tweaking) the devotions i'm responsible for at work tomorrow, and a sermon i feel honoured to preach at one of my favourite churches in mississauga on sunday.

and here i am, on day two of getting out of bed and getting out of the house and getting things done, because of God's strength and grace, yes, but also because yesterday's life-giving day gave me the momentum i needed for today.

by the same token, i'm certain that the kind words from my particular customer today will give me momentum i need for tomorrow, too, because, well, life begets life.

i bought a new pair of shoes in europe but i've yet to walk a mile in them. the truth is, you haven't, either.

the same can be said about life, can't it? we really don't know what anyone else has walked through, nor can we understand, really. so why do we pretend to have all of the answers when someone tries to open up? truth be told, an untimely, apathetic-esque word can do more damage than good, even if spoken with the best of intention.

this happened to me this week, actually. heck, maybe it even happened to you.

i struggle with being so open online. it's safer for me to pound out my feelings on this blog because i have no idea who's reading it or what they're (you're) thinking about me as they (you) do.

that, and i don't know what else to do with this inner conflict and chaos.

the "i have so many things to be thankful for" VS the all consuming lack that i feel ever since the loss of my parents and because i'm 38 and don't have a family or constant support system of my own.

or the "jesus is all sufficient" line that people feed me while leaning on their spouse or family for support VS the bible being very clear that community and relationship is at the very heart of the God i believe in and serve.

or the "don't make anyone a priority if they only make you an option" quote i ponder VS "the stay true to who you are and keep investing in people" battle i wrestle with most of the time.

and the list goes on. (it always does.)

i told the Lord the other day how tired i was of the mental battle i have to endure, the weariness that comes with it, and the not so subtle bi-polar mood swings. the really high highs and the really low lows. (the worst part is, i thought i was getting better.)

i do what i can to get through each episode, though. some days, this looks like scraping myself out of bed, putting my laundry away and mustering up enough energy to go to the store and get groceries like it did this week, and other times, it means taking a bus downtown and pounding out a blog in a coffee shop before heading to church in hopes to meet my Healer there. either way, i have to keep going. either way, so do you.