Sunday, May 20, 2018

you realize that i just don't have the words, don't you? that i'm not being an ass when i shut down and stare at you blankly when you ask me what's wrong or what i'm thinking? i don't know that there are words to describe this illogical darkness that i carry around with me. trust me, i've searched for them.

i do know that it's not welcome and that i have prayed it away - pleaded it away - every single time it decided to rear its ugly head and every time it still does. i pray with my whole heart, wondering why on earth i've been given this demon to fight. it's ruining my life, and frankly, i'm exhausted from fighting it.

that's what depression does; it exhausts you.

it also blindsides you.

mind you, there are triggers at times, too. for me they come in the way of not feeling like i belong somewhere or that i'm being overlooked. it peaks its head when i'm feeling really lonely (especially the 'no one understands me' kind, which surfaced when i lost my mom) or spend too much time alone. and it surfaces when i'm feeling deeply insecure or inadequate.

recognizing the triggers is half the battle, right?

but then what? (this is not something i am looking for you to answer, nor do i want you to.)

i have the tools i need to make it through. i force myself to get out of bed and get outside where i am now, eat (relatively) right, exercise, do things that bring me life etc. i have a counsellor on hand when i need her and a job that enables me to pay for her. i try and reach out to friends. i worship and pray and muster up enough energy to remember scripture that will help, and does help, me through.

i tell myself i am good enough and loved. smart. gifted. kind. compassionate. full of joy. all of which i am proud to be.

but then i look around and feel left out. people are car pooling without me, or planning vacations without me, or sharing meals together (damn you social media) and my birthday comes and i have no plans two days before and i am sitting at my computer trying to muster enough courage to buy one ticket to a musical i am dying to see.

one ticket.
table for one, please.

that's it, isn't it? the fact i feel so alone? but how does one fix that without the co-operation of other people? without people seeing your need?

solitude is one thing. i need alone time to reflect and be quiet. (yes, even me). but too much of it is really, really hard. and suffocating.

my parents are gone, my family lives hours away, my housemate is rarely home (i don't blame her), my desk is at the back of the office where people rarely are, and the church i go to is great, but 1) i'm a leader there and people look to me accordingly (ministry is lonely in and of itself) and 2) i can't attend the service at the moment because of my role.

so ... i shut down and give up. what else is there to do? i've tried everything and i'm getting really tired of these deep and intense mood swings (and the deep rooted anger behind it all) and want more than anything to be healthy and whole. (as whole as i can be on this side of the world, that is.)

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

i was in love once. for seven years, actually.

his name was api and he made me 'hapi'; he was tall, dark, and handsome, just the way i like 'em, but his heart? even more beautiful! it was bigger than he was, steadfast, full of compassion and dedicated to serving the God he put all of his faith in.

the only 'downfall?' he lived in fiji (we met in hong kong), and at the time, i didn't want to leave everything i knew and move to his beautiful white sand-filled island (this sounds even more appealing to me now that i type this) so we tried everything we could to get him here. a while later, he stopped talking to me out of the blue. nine months later, thanks to Facebook, i found out why; he had a baby with some woman who loves white sand more than i do, and they are currently (i suspect), making sand castles on the beach together as api serenades them with his beautiful voice and wooden guitar. on a beach. (you got that part, right?)

i miss this particular fijian hunk even more every time i open an email on christian cafe (stay away from that site, ladies - the only way men and coffee mix is in the book of he-brews). the 'someone emailed you' email has become quite the dreadful experience (or, at the very least, a humourous one). i have one stalker from india who has emailed me creepy emails in the past and continues to view my profile at least once a day, another from close by who does the same (and emails me at least once a month forgetting that he already has), and, as i believe i've mentioned before, really old men who like to show me that their eyelids still work at that age by winking at me. repeatedly.

all kidding aside, i haven't really opened myself up to the idea of dating (or marriage) since. partially because of the selection (api raised the bar), but mostly because i am petrified of commitment of any kind (especially the relational kind) and have told myself (and believed) that it will never happen for me.

BUT in time, we grow (at least we should), and i have been working on my trust and commitment issues by ways of my current jobs (i am about to renew my contract with one of them) and through relationships with friends who have proven to be safe. the man thing will come. in fact, i have a lady in regent park who fervently prays for one to come along (and reminds me of this each and every week) and an adorable six year old boy who likes to remind me of the same. God hears their prayers. and he hears the ones that i have started to pray for myself this week, too.

'awaken this part of my life, Oh Lord. help me to trust love and trust you and your timing. and please, for the love of God (the love of you?), please don't let me be a cat lady. i hate cats (which you know because you created me.)' amen.

ps. this post was written with the intent to share my life with you and make you smile; no need to fill my comment section with things like "you should try this dating site - so and so met her husband there" (i know, i've been on most of them) or "God has the perfect guy for you" ones. He does, but i may have missed the boat. literally; fiji is an island ... a beautiful island filled with white sand, gorgeous hunks who play guitar and the bongos, beautiful palm trees, and never ending sun and piƱa coladas ;)