i bought a new pair of shoes in europe but i've yet to walk a mile in them. the truth is, you haven't, either.

the same can be said about life, can't it? we really don't know what anyone else has walked through, nor can we understand, really. so why do we pretend to have all of the answers when someone tries to open up? truth be told, an untimely, apathetic-esque word can do more damage than good, even if spoken with the best of intention.

this happened to me this week, actually. heck, maybe it even happened to you.

i struggle with being so open online. it's safer for me to pound out my feelings on this blog because i have no idea who's reading it or what they're (you're) thinking about me as they (you) do.

that, and i don't know what else to do with this inner conflict and chaos.

the "i have so many things to be thankful for" VS the all consuming lack that i feel ever since the loss of my parents and because i'm 38 and don't have a family or constant support system of my own.

or the "jesus is all sufficient" line that people feed me while leaning on their spouse or family for support VS the bible being very clear that community and relationship is at the very heart of the God i believe in and serve.

or the "don't make anyone a priority if they only make you an option" quote i ponder VS "the stay true to who you are and keep investing in people" battle i wrestle with most of the time.

and the list goes on. (it always does.)

i told the Lord the other day how tired i was of the mental battle i have to endure, the weariness that comes with it, and the not so subtle bi-polar mood swings. the really high highs and the really low lows. (the worst part is, i thought i was getting better.)

i do what i can to get through each episode, though. some days, this looks like scraping myself out of bed, putting my laundry away and mustering up enough energy to go to the store and get groceries like it did this week, and other times, it means taking a bus downtown and pounding out a blog in a coffee shop before heading to church in hopes to meet my Healer there. either way, i have to keep going. either way, so do you.