i'm 51 days away from my 40th birthday and i feel like i have nothing to show for it.

it's family day, after all, and i'm sitting in my empty living room, alone.

the good news is, i made it through half of the day already. i played my favourite word game, listened to music, cleaned the bathroom and made myself some lunch, and, as as i was reminded of last night as i went for a walk at sunset, every day comes to an end. the seemingly never-ending drawn out ones, too.

but i'm sad, y'all. with my siblings living three and five hours away, i feel sad, and without a family of my own, even sadder. what's the point in family day when you have to spend it alone?

now all of you married folk are probably rolling your eyes as you read this.

"she doesn't know what she has; i wish i could have a day to myself! heck, i would settle for being able to go to the bathroom alone without someone needing me", and that's valid. i hear you. most of my closest friends are married and i've heard similar things before, but hearing that they're tired, overworked, underappreciated etc helps me (try and) understand where they're coming from, feel for them, and be able to lend a hand where needed.

that's the point in sharing where we're at, isn't it? so we can support one other when needed?

of course, some burdens are too heavy to carry and can't merely be 'fixed' by a dinner being dropped off at your front door. i get that. but it helps; at least for a moment it helps.

i was telling a close friend the other day how painful it is for me to think about the idea of not being able to have children of my own. the truth is, as mentioned at the beginning of this blog, i'm getting old with no hope of marriage in site. my body isn't what it used to be (although i am in better shape now than ever) and i fear, like any older woman would, that my body won't be able to handle what i've been created, in part, to do: bear children (something my body painfully reminds me of each month), and that stings. especially today.