i know i'm a few days late to the party, but i've been pondering the death of Christ in full detail this morning. my heart sunk as i read about him being mocked and spat on and put through so much physical pain, and simultaneously stood in awe as i read about how He refused a mixture of wine and gall even though he knew it would have alleviated some of it. and the feelings of abandonment piece? don't even get me started; i cringed at the thought of the loneliness He must have felt as he took his last breath, and the fact that He endured all of this for you and for me takes my breath away.

then saturday came and it was dark, full of mourning, confusion, doubt and hopelessness.

i mean, imagine being one of his disciples or one of the women that day?! "He said he would rise again, but ... ? maybe we are fools!"

of course, they weren't fools at all; we read on only to see that the very next day - today - the friggin stone rolled away! Christ defeated death, proving that He was who He said He was the whole time: the Son of God, our Saviour. as i read further, i could sense the relief, love and celebration that others must have felt that day.

but the thing is, i, unlike a lot of people i know, can't seem to move on from saturday quite yet with the world in the state that it is. i can't come to terms with the celebration piece when there are constant sirens and gun shots going off outside my window and robbing my neighbourhood of peace, when some of my friend's lives are in turmoil, or when i sit here feeling deep bouts of loneliness while trying to come to terms with the fact that my social life and all my mental health coping strategies have been washed away with COVID. i was up most of the night last night fighting the will to live (just thoughts, nothing else) and i feel some of the same today...as if it were saturday.

of course, none of this negates the fact that sunday happened - i believe in the resurrection of Christ and the hope it brings with all of my heart - but for now, i'm gonna camp here for a bit. lamenting is an important part of life, too, after all.