a few random grief observations.

1) people are insensitive, but God is gracious.

on the morning my dad passed away, my siblings and i dropped my mom off at the door of her apartment and then went to park the car. when we met up with her a few minutes later, she told us about a conversation that had taken place in the few seconds we weren't together. after finding out that my dad passed away, a man who lives in her building went up to her and said, "you know, linda, the ambulance woke me up this morning and i wasn't able to get back to sleep". true story. [i say God is gracious because had i have been there, i'm certain that i would have punched him in the face].

2) love and support often come from the most unlikely places.

it's been said that you really learn who your true friends are in times like these and i couldn't agree more. in most cases, the people who i thought would be there for me, haven't been, and those i didn't even think about reaching out to me have been the ones that have the most.

3) the probability of me picking up the phone 'to talk' is slim, but the possibility of me 'needing' to is great.

i've been on the other side of this whole thing. you know, the watching your friend go through something and feeling helpless thing. and it sucks. but the whole 'call me if you need me' line doesn't usually 'work', and the 'i would call but you're probably too busy or have others surrounding you' one is, more often that not, farthest from the truth. the first couple of days, maybe. but after that [or the funeral if there is one], people tend to back away and forget about you, when really, that's when they [ i ] need you the most.

4) everyone grieves differently, and i really don't know how to.

everyone in my family is dealing with this differently. some use humour to get through, some are full of anger, and others cry. but me? i just feel ... lost ... and miss my dad.

with the exception of the past few days, 2011 was so good to me.

i rang in the new year with a friend of mine who i couldn't be prouder of. a few weeks later, i dropped her off at the airport to watch her soar [literally, yes, but also figuratively].

right off the get go, i saw firsthand how the smallest gesture can make such a huge difference thanks to 'just a CUPel of words'.

in may, i packed all i had into a hockey bag, moved into the attic of some random church downtown toronto and spent my summer bringing awareness to issues such as homelessness, prostitution, and human trafficking. it was here where i had the opportunity to meet some of the greatest youth and leaders in north america, and here where i was connected to one of my favourite places in the whole world: st. francis' table, where i have the honour of serving at on a regular basis to this day.

from there i put my professionalism aside and counselled two consecutive youth camps, saw God miraculously restore a much needed friendship, did youth ministry at a single mom's camp, landed my dream job, and saw a word that was spoken over me years a go come to pass as i flew to kansas speak at a youth retreat.

so here i sit, a few hours away from millions of party favours being blown, lips being kissed [not mine of course], and everyone and their mother yelling "happy new year", and despite the fact that my dad passed away a few days a go [blog to come], i can't help but chalk 2011 up as by far the best year of my life.

2011, i love you. 2012, bring it!I

i've tried everything to get into the christmas spirit this year, but to no avail.

i've attended several festive parties. written countless christmas cards. downloaded a buttload of christmas tunes and ordered one too many egg nog chais. i even went as far as to play a few rounds of the christmas edition of angry birds, but even that didn't seem to work. like many others, i'm having a hard time believing christmas is a few days away due to the lack of fluffy white stuff outside.

that, and my heart is much bigger than the amount of money in my wallet.

i hate the fact that i haven't been able to shower my family and friends with gifts this year. i know that christmas isn't about gifts and that you can show the people in your life that you love them in other ways, but man does it ever suck when you have all of these thoughtful present ideas floating around in your head and no way of getting your hands on them.

but here i was belting out a few of my favourite carols in church the other day with a few hundred strangers and - BOOM - the christmas spirit was upon me. i don't know what it was, really. perhaps it was the catchy drum beat, or the fact that i was surrounded by a plethora of red and green paraphernalia - or maybe, just maybe, it was the powerful truth found in the songs that we were singing. songs like 'oh come let us adore him' and 'go tell it on the mountain'...

songs that remind me that the true meaning of christmas isn't about snow, or even presents, but christ.

merry christmas, friends!

you can learn from those you lead.

here i was serving in a local food bank this summer, dreading the hours i was about to spend walking around a shelving unit while placing cans of food in countless plastic bags. i felt bored within minutes and found myself glancing at the clock every second as if my eyes had the ability to make time go by faster. it didn't take long, though, before one of the students 'i was leading' caught my attention.

"OH!" he said with excitement, "this family's going to love THIS" as he placed a jar of peanut butter in the bag. for the next few hours, i watched in amazement as he put his heart and soul into each bag, keeping the family [who would now have food to eat] in mind with every bag he filled. it didn't take long for me to catch wind of his perspective and heart, either, because, well, you can learn from those you lead.

my sister and i were approached by some rather attractive men in uniform yesterday as we were entering the grocery store. turns out they were handing out paper bags and encouraging everyone to participate in a local food drive by filling their bag with canned goods and the like. i must say, i was happy to oblige in this 'activity' for a few reasons: 1) i thought this was a great idea 2) my family used to utilize the food bank and this was a way in which i could give back and 3) filling a bag would guarantee that i could reconnect with these good looking men on the way out of the grocery store [the latter being of least importance] ;)

at first, we stuck to the list that they gave us, but then i found myself thinking about the potential of a kid going back to school without something as cool as kool aid jammers ... so i threw those in, too. then my sister threw in a package of oreos for the same reason ... and a box of tea for the mom [hello, stereotype] ... and the list goes on.

so here i was applying the lesson a young man from michigan taught me nearly six months a go. instead of just 'throwing food into a bag', i thought about the families who wouldn't have to worry about where their next meal was coming from. instead of just 'going through the motions', i was able to see purpose in what i was doing ... all because, you guessed it -- you can learn from those you lead.

who are YOU leading and what can you learn from them?

opportunities surround me. i have a great job, people who love me and an incredible God who loves me more, yet, at times, i still feel empty and feel as though i don't belong anywhere. i've been sitting here trying to figure out what it is i'm missing, but i'm starting to think that maybe - just maybe - there's a desire and longing inside of each of us that can't be met/quenched until we meet our maker face to face. it's as if we were made for another world...

there are days where i need an extra boost, if you will. you know - the kind of day where i need the assurance that my life counts; that the time and energy i spend on loving people [whatever the means] isn't in vain. today is one of those days.

i got a letter from a friend i went to school with in edmonton this morning, which read:

okay, this is random, but every time i think about our trip overseas, my mind drifts back to hong kong 2007. I remember when you washed all of our towels for us and left them folded in our rooms with a little note written on top. i don't know if you remember that or not because you've done things like that a lot before! but honestly it was so meaningful to me that it has never left my mind and i continue to be brought back to it. you were always so thoughtful about things like that and can i just say that during those times when you've done something or even just said something thoughtful to someone, they will never forget it! your words and actions are powerful!

it's as if 'someone' knew exactly what i needed to be reminded of today! the love i show others isn't in vain. and neither is YOURS.

this blog is random and will lack flow. consider this your warning.

1) geese fascinate me.

here i was cruising down the highway yesterday engrossed in a conversation with my sister and bam - three flocks of geese fly over the jeep. [those of you who have ever driven with me know that flying objects - animals, planes, whatever - have the ability to grab my attention no matter how great the conversation is, and yesterday was no different]. immediately the david suzuki in me came out. i started talking about geese and how they honk at each other as a form of encouragement. i started talking about how if one goose becomes sick or injured, two other geese will leave the flock with them and won't return until the sick one is restored back to health. scientists have proven that this particular bird can achieve a greater distance of 70% when flying in groups rather than flying solo, using the same amount of energy. call me crazy, but i think we can learn a lot from geese. don't do life alone. encourage one another. surround people who are hurting.

2) i am not built for north american culture.

i live out of a hockey bag. i don't own any furniture. i own minimal clothes. i live a simple, basic life. i find that when i'm walking through a mall, though, my mindset changes. i find myself wanting the very stuff i don't need or find value in. i find myself getting mad at/jealous of people who can easily drop hundreds of dollars on new clothes and the like. so yesterday, "i gave in"; i found myself at the till with a $90 jacket. a really nice jacket. i felt good in it and i certainly looked good in it. but i couldn't afford it. so i returned it less than 15 minutes later.

now, is it wrong to buy yourself a jacket? not at all. is it wrong to buy new clothes? a new iPhone? anything? absolutely not. for me it was a matter of knowing how stressed i'd feel this week every time i put my new jacket on, or as i stay awake at night wondering when work's going to pick up so i don't have to live paycheck to paycheck. for me it was a matter of telling myself that i don't need a jacket to feel good [malls also make me feel fat] ... because i don't. true beauty needs to come from within, and the truth is, i have a ridiculously beautiful heart.

3) i'm becoming quite the introvert.

yes, me. there was a day where i would pack my schedule to the rim with social activity. now i find myself wanting to pack my schedule with alone time. my energy used to come from being around people, but now it comes from being 'alone'. but i'm okay with that. please be okay with that, too.

disclaimer: there are those few friendships in my life that i will continue to pursue and people i would hang out with at the drop of a hat. please also note that i'm not a jerk; if someone needs a friend, or some form of help, chances are i'm not going to turn them down in the name of alone time as balance and sacrifice are required with any relationship.

4) i appreciate 'safe' people.

i'm not referring to the 'don't say something you think i should hear/only say the things i want to hear' kind of safe here. i'm talking about those people who i can let my guard down with. those few people in my life who make me feel ... safe.

5) and lastly, i'm on a journey to living a more disciplined life.

week one: prayer. i'm happy to report that although there's always room for improvement, this week was a success. i prayed more and listened better.

week two: reading. fail. i started a really good book by the name of 'not a fan' by kyle idleman [check it out] and couldn't put it down. within days though, i found myself managing my time poorly and choosing sleep over any kind of reading that i should've been doing. i'm hoping to pick up the slack this week as i try and tackle a new discipline.

which brings me to this week. journaling. writing is something that comes naturally to me, in fact, there's nothing else i'd rather do. let's just hope my actions prove it :)