online dating update.

i'm considering changing what i've written in my profile to 'online dating tips for men'. [i'm sure there are some equally uneducated women out there, but they don't affect me]. based on experience, i would include the following tips at the very least:

1. don't use your prison photo as your profile picture. this is highly unattractive and scary.
2. you don't stand a chance with a name like 'mmmmmm' or 'hottemptation'. [tempted to delete you, maybe].
3. opening your initial conversation with things like 'hey baby - you're the one for me' or 'i want to marry you' have the words 'green card' written all over them.
4. sending me a picture of your chest will not inspire me to send you one of mine. [true story].
5. writing in caps makes me think you're yelling at me, and you're not allowed to be louder than me.
6. if you use the wrong your/you're, you're outta here.

needless to say, there hasn't been much progress since my last blog, but i still refuse to settle.

my battle with depression.

"each time i find myself flat on my face, i pick myself up and get back in the race ... that's life!" [frank sinatra]

some months are better than others, but this one knocked me off of my feet unexpectedly. i haven't felt that low/dark/isolated/hopeless in a while, but thankfully i'm on the mend and almost back to being me [even though 'this' is a part of me, too], and for those of you reading this who struggle with depression, you will be, too. keep fighting.

the blue jays.

i cannot express how happy my heart is to have my boys back. nor can i express how blessed i am to have a roommate who can get me half price tickets any time i want. i almost died when he told me that recently. [good thing i didn't though; half price tickets only benefit me when i'm alive].

until next time, friends.

it's been a while, i know. i've been busy moving, training at my new[er] job, dating, and trying to catch up on the sleep that i lost from all three. forgive me. [hi, michael].

my new digs.

i really lucked out here. i live within a ten minute walk from work, i pay next to nothing for what i get [a furnished room, 300 channels, unlimited wifi, in suite laundry, a gym, pool, basketball, squash and tennis courts etc, and an amazing and considerate roommate]. i've been here for just over two weeks now and can honestly say that it feels like home to me. it feels like homeeeeeeeee to me. [great. now i have that song in my head].

work.

i love managing such an amazing group of young people. i'm enjoying the challenge that comes with learning something new, and the 'break' i get when i get to serve tables [something i am naturally good at]. most guests, i find, are delightful, while some, not so much.

like the lady i served last night just before we closed.

"can i have a 7up?" [i bring her a 7up]. five minutes later, "can i change this to a pepsi?" as she hands me her glass. i take five steps toward the pop machine and she yells, 'no, an iced tea". i walk back to her to clarify. she tells me an iced tea with no ice. i proceed to get it for her. she calls me back and tells me rudely that she would like ONE iced cube in her drink. i gave her two. [accidently that is] ;)

of course, there are humourous guests also. [you'll get what i mean by humourous in a minute].

my conversation with a guest the other day went something like this:

me: are you ready for a great dinner?
her: "i have had gas all night and all day today, but i'm still here!" [you think i'm kidding].
[please note: i then later recommended the 'chocolate explosion" to her for dessert. [you better believe i did].

love my job.

dating life.

believe it or not, this area of my life has been more interesting than the above.

the guy i was seeing vanished a few days after he helped me move. now before you feel bad for me, i am more than okay with this as i, in all honestly, was only physically attracted to him. [i felt like the wolf in little red riding hood: "my, what big muscles you have"]. it was easy to protect my heart in such a relationship since he was moving to the states in a few months any ways.

since then, i have had quite the selection of 'men' come my way.

a few stated how i was the 'one for them' in their very first email to me. [does that really work on some women?]. one sent me a picture of his torso and got angry with me when he found out i had a male roommate [possessive much?]. so i did what any women would do. i sent him a picture of my roommate's chest instead of mine [which he requested]. just kidding. about the roommate's chest that is.

but. i have met a few great guys who i remain friends with, and a few who i am still 'getting to know'. stay tuned.

health.

for those of you who think i have a big mouth, think again. my last wisdom tooth came in and broke the tooth in front of it in order to make room. just recently the root has been exposed, causing me a great deal of pain. i have taken way too much advil and T3's for my liking, and pretty much downed a whole tube of orajel in the past two days. i've called dentist after dentist asking about payment plans as it cost $400 to get it pulled but all want the cash up front so i'm stuck with this is pain in the ... mouth [you thought i was going to say something else, didn't you?] for another week or so. other than that, i am amazing; eating well and taking advantage of the gym downstairs [which, by the way, is located through the door that is conveniently placed behind the hot security guard in my building].

life is good.

you can learn a lot from TV.

take undercover boss for example. below are four lessons i 'learned' from the last episode alone.

1) as stated in my last blog, appreciation goes a long, long way.

2) everyone has a story. get to know those you lead.

3) don't ever be 'too important' or 'too successful' to serve, or 'too good' to clean toliets.

4) and lastly, oversharing gets you everything you need.

i'm partially kidding here. but really, i can't help but laugh at some of the things people tell the one they're training after knowing them for all of an hour. it's like they know that the trainee isn't who they claim to be.

undercover boss: "what do you like to do in your spare time?"
employer: "i don't have spare time. my brother is sick and i have to take care of him" ... "i would love to go on [an all expense paid] trip to italy" ... "i've always wanted to own a BMW so i can cruise around in my spare time" etc. [those of you who have seen the show know what i'm talking about].

from now on, i'm oversharing. next time someone comes into work with a camera crew and claims to be on some reality show competition, i'm going to introduce myself as "paula - the one who pays $650 in rent each month, an $80 phone bill, and would die to throw the first pitch at a jays' game".

overshare for the win.

a little 'thank you' goes a long, long way.

i love doing laundry. well, letting the machines do it, that is. i'm not, however, a fan of folding it. i dread it, in fact. [kind of like how i'm a fan of showering, but not of the whole drying off/getting dressed process]. any ways, we all know that folding clothes is a necessary part of 'doing laundry', unless of course, you want everyone and their mother to buy you an iron for christmas.

i go downstairs to flip my laundry this morning, and to my surprise, there's a load of clean towels in the dryer. not knowing whose they were, and needing to use the dryer, i decided to fold them and leave them in a neat pile on top of the washing machine.

an hour later, i return, not only to find that my clothes had dried, but to notice a sticky note sitting on top of the dryer that read: 'thank you' with a heart on it.

i couldn't help but smile. all i did was take two minutes out of my day to fold a bunch of towels, and here i was being reminded that even the smallest of gestures can make the biggest of impacts.

i certainly wasn't expecting a thank you, but it goes to show you how far a little appreciation can go.

who can YOU thank today?

about a month ago i picked up a book by the name of 'counterfeit gods' by tim keller. i began reading the book and instantly found myself captivated by the story of jacob. [genesis 25-50]. some of you know the story quite well.

so here he was, desperate to win his dad's approval to the point where he decides to deceive him into giving him his blessing. he then has to flee, losing everything, because his brother esau is after him, among other things.

then he looks to rachel, a beautiful woman, to fill the void that he feels.

and her sister, leah, looks to jacob, knowing he is in love with rachel, and tries to win his approval by bearing more of his children.

i put the book down, being reminded of the fact that only God can fill the void we all, at some time or another, look to fill.

ironically, a few days later, i find myself searching for other things to fill the void that i, too, feel, which led me into one of the darkest weeks of my life spiritually.

during this week, i had a dream. i was in battle - dressed in camlaflauge - the whole works. thinking i'd be less of a target by myself, i decided to leave the team i was with to fight on my own. i could hear them in the distance, and part of me wanted to go back and fight with them, but i couldn't bring myself to. eventually, i started losing the battle - almost lost my life a few times before rejoining my team by jumping into this nasty green, dirty water.

a few days later, a friend i used to go to school with asks me if i have had any dreams lately [randommmmmm], so i fill her in, and she feels like God interpreted it through her:

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So with just the information you've given me this is a spiritual warfare dream. He's calling you to not give up on the good fight of faith and especially not to try to lone it through this cause it can cost your life if you do. You are safer with others, you are empowered with others.

The fact that the water was nasty & green symbolizes your spirit. You're in a mucky place spiritually. But in this place you need to meet up with the fellow believers God has assigned to you.

Some of your questions may be 'Who & how?' To me if God is giving you not only understanding but strategy in this dream, it would be to pray and ask God to link you up & give you discernment as to where the team of people are that He has given you to fight along side of you and will journey with you and won't be afraid to meet with you in the dirtier places of your life.

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friends, she couldn't have been more bang on. i felt under attack and wanted to give up...again. i felt alone in my battle, and as a result, purposely shut myself out from the world.

from there, my friend tells me that i need to find out what i am wrestling others for, and wrestle God for it, 'just like jacob' did. [coincidence?].

i then get off the phone and decide to pick up the book i had neglected for weeks and BOOM - where does it pick up? the part where jacob wrestles God.

so i start doing some soul searching. what is it that i look for [wrestle for] in/from other people?

my conclusion? intimacy and connection ... which i believe only God can fill in its entirety, yet i continue to live differently at times.

the truth is, we all do. we all look to other things to fill the void in our lives. alcohol. sex. people. work. success. you name it. but like jacob, and leah, we eventually come to that place where we realize that these things that we experiment with/seek after/get into, leave us feeling empty.

1) life is hard. laugh loud - and often.

2) i wonder if people would take the time to respond to my emails/letters if they knew how much heart and time i put into them. i get frustrated when people tell me to write to them and fill them in and don't even acknowlegde that i did when i do. now, i'm not unrealistic, i know people are busy and can't reply right away - i don't expect that - but when days and weeks go by i start wondering why i took the time out of my day to share my heart with them in the first place.

communication doesn't work when only one person does the communicating.

so do i continue to 'write on request'? or do i stop? this is something i've been wrestling with as of late.

3) bloom where you're planted.

i am happy to report that after five long months of unemployment, i am finally employed.

there are two industries that i am passionate about, if you will. one, working with youth and/or the poor, and bridging the gap between those two worlds, and two, the hospitality industry.

without knowing that they were hiring, i had an inkling to apply to a local boston pizza the other day. an hour later, i received a phone call, and the next morning, i headed in for an interview.

it went so well that she offered me the 1/2 management 1/2 server position on the spot. i start training tomorrow, and though i feel overwhelmed just looking at the gigantic menu and thinking about all that i have to learn, i told myself i would walk in there in confidence, study hard, and remember to breathe throughout the whole process. i'll be a pro in no time =)

i feel like i have been planted here purposely. even after a 20 minute interview, the manager told me that i 'inspire her to do more, and greater things with her life'. having gone over our conversation over and over since then, i honestly have no idea what i said/did to make her feel this way. there's no other explanation other than the fact that God was shining through me and used this comment to assure me that He has a plan and desires to use me where he places me. with that said, i sit here excited to be able to pour into the youth and young adults that i'll be working with, and the guests that will come in for a good meal.

another plus? because my hours are so flexible, i have the opportunity to jump on board with an organization by the name of 'souls of the feet' [www.soulsofthefeet.org]and do what i do best: connect people to various community projects and local service opportunities [homeless shelters, food banks etc], and potentially lead more teams overseas. [i think africa is calling my name...].

so here's to a new season, friends. [raises last glass of egg nog].

below is a repost [i think] of a blog i wrote just after my 31st birthday almost two years ago. i most certainly needed this reminder today, and decided to post it just in case some of you do, too.

...it's been said that the amount of blows it takes you to blow out your birthday candles equals the amount of boyfriends you have. i should know; i was reminded of this a few weeks ago when i celebrated one. 31 candles are a lot to blow out, i'll have you know, but juggling four boyfriends is much harder.

okay, okay. i don't really have four boyfriends. in fact, i don't even have ... one.

that's right. do the math. 31, and single. alone. by myself. table for one. riding solo. i'm riding solo, i'm riding solo. [this musical interlude has been brought to you by jason derulo].

each year it seems as though more and more people jump on the "we need to find paula a husband" bandwagon. it's not uncommon for me to get an email stating that the sender is 'praying that God sends me a man soon', nor is it uncommon for someone to come up to me and boldly say such things to my face. now, let it be known that i LOOOOOOOVE men [a lot actually - especially when they look like derek morgan from criminal minds or the mcdreamy/steamy combo from greys], but i can't help but wonder something - what do people see when they look at me? someone who is ... missing something?

because that's not what i see. i see a young woman who has traveled the world. i see a 31 year old who lives a life of purpose. i see someone who is about to see yet another dream come true. i see beauty. confidence. humour. compassion. life. and the list goes on.

who do you see when you look in the mirror? do you simply see a role you play? a wife to ____? mom to _____? nurse? teacher etc? is your identity attached to who you know or what you are? or does it go much deeper than that?

you see, as a woman, the world would tell us that by the time we reach a certain age that we should have a husband, a kid or two [or more if we're crazy - just kidding nic], an ability to cook, bake, sew, whatever; and a green thumb to boot. i, on the other hand, am husband-less and kid-less. i can't hem a pair of pants for the life of me, and you will never - i repeat never - see me spending time in a garden. and you know something? i'm okay with that.

now don't get me wrong, it's perfectly fine to be a wife, or a mom, or to fill any [or every] single one of the roles mentioned in this blog for that matter, but take it from me, ladies - IT'S EQUALLY OKAY if you don't!

here's the thing - and i want you to catch this: our identity shouldn't be found in who we know or what we do.

because truth be told, when everything is stripped away, it's not going to matter whose wife you are, how many kids you have, what you do for a living, or how well you can sing, cook a meal, or whatever else you take pride in. all that's going to matter is who you belong to and who are you are a result: a loved and cherished daughter of the king!