take a trip back with me to the end of 2013. i was sitting in jack astors with my bff and her kids and we were talking about what we expected in 2014; it was during this conversation that we all came up with a personal word that we wanted to adopt for the new year.

i chose the word ameliorate, which means, 'to make something unsatisfactory better; to become better'.

little did i know that this would mean that i would soon have to let go of a few unsatisfactory things in my life, in exchange for [soon to come] better things. [sometimes you have to let go of the good for the best].

so, a few months later, i quit my job.

truth be told, without going into too much detail, my job sucked the life out of me. working 50 hours/week, often until 3 or 4a.m. drained me, as did the demands of the job itself; it got to the point where all i did was work, and sleep, and work and sleep some more. so i quit, and i did so without having anything else lined up.

i've spent countless hours since job hunting, pounding out cover letters, filling out applications, emailing my resume, making calls, and showing up for countless interviews, and ... nothing has come of it. i can't wrap my mind around this, either. not only am i qualified for the jobs that i have applied to, but i have yet to walk away from an interview where i didn't connect with the interviewee and make him or her laugh in the process.

it's tough, you know. i've battled regret, wondering if i made the right choice in leaving my other job. i've wrestled with feelings of failure and rejection. i've stressed over money, been driven crazy by the boredom and loneliness that i feel on an almost daily basis, and i've relentlessly fought through a good share of hopeless days, and bouts of depression.

i was reading through a few of my journals today and oddly enough i came across pages upon pages of entries that were written during times similar to the season i find myself in today. now, while on one hand it's important to recognize patterns and cycles in our lives, grow from them, and do what we can to stop them from repeating, it's equally important to remind ourselves of the very fact that we got through them, too. and if we got through them then, we can get through them now.

"we assume life will go a certain way, and then it doesn't...and we find ourselves in a place we never would have imagined on our own. and so it was difficult and unexpected and maybe even tragic - and yet it opened us up and freed us to see things in a whole new way. suffering does that; it hurts, but it also creates..."

coming soon: part two: suffering creates.

let me bring your attention back to a facebook status i posted in light of the most recent NBA/sterling scandal:

"no, sterling, NBA doesn't stand for 'No Blacks Allowed'. you're out of your league...and now you're out of ours. see ya. you've been clipped"

though a clever status if i do say so myself, i ended up taking it down a few hours later due to the fact that i felt like a hypocrite.

that's right, a hypocrite.

please hear me out. racism is wrong, very, very wrong. and so is what sterling said, but if we're all being honest, we all struggle [or have struggled] with some form of racism or prejudice towards people who are different from us.

maybe it's not 'as extreme' as what came out of sterling's mouth. maybe it came out of yours when you got cut off from a certain race when you were driving to work the other day ["certain races shouldn't be allowed to drive"], or for my serving friends, maybe your comment came out of your mouth the minute you saw a certain race sit in your section ["they shouldn't be allowed to eat out if they don't learn how to tip"], or maybe, just maybe, you fall into the "i bet he's a terrorist" category, or the "i'm going to cling to my boyfriend's arm when a certain race walks by at night" one. i don't know. but what i do know is that throwing stones isn't going to get us anywhere. especially if it prevents us from doing a heart check of our own.

is sterling's mindset off? absolutely. was what he said/implied wrong? for sure. but let's not forget that what he said was taped without his knowledge or permission. after all, how many of us would be in trouble if our thoughts were exposed for the whole world to hear, or if someone we knew backstabbed us like his girlfriend did him?

look, i know that this is a sensitive issue, not to mention a controversial one; my point in writing this blog isn't to make light of racism, or downplay what recently happened in the NBA, but to make us think about how quick we are to point fingers, and how slow we are to self-reflect.

this may come as a surprise to many of you, but i hate carrying a purse [and not because it's 'too girly' either]. truth be told, i hate having to carry anything; i would much rather throw some cash in my pocket and walk out the door.

but a lot of us walk out the door each day with a lot more 'baggage', don't we? stuff that weighs us down? stuff we could do without? stuff like unnecessary relationship drama, conflict, pain from our past, and the list goes on.

as some of you know, i take pride in the fact that i've been on 62 flights in the past 13 years. that's 62 take offs, 62 landings, and 62 times where i've had to check my baggage through customs, and unpack it when i arrived at my destination.

but there's a time to check your baggage in life, too.

i'm sure you've all heard your boss or a co-worker say, "leave your baggage at the door". i know i have. "i don't care what you're going through, you better walk in here with a smile on your face and get to work". while these words may sound harsh to some, they do carry some weight.

the truth is, no matter how much pain we're in, we have to be able to function.

[disclaimer: before i go any further, please know that i am in no way, shape, or form downplaying things that some of you may be going through. i understand that there are times in life where this doesn't come easy, or where an extended period of time is needed for grief etc]

but for the rest of us, we can't be walking around moping all of the time and letting our past affect our future. [i'm talking to myself here]. there are times where we need to 'leave our baggage at the door', and check it.

but there's also a time to unpack it, and put it away. for good.

we live in a world of self medication; we're constantly avoiding our pain by doing drugs, drowning ourselves in netflix, or by pulling up the nearest bar stool. but, if you're like me, you've learned that your pain is waiting for you when the novelty of your choice of medication wears off. naturally, the cycle continues; we pick up another bottle, pop another pill, or turn on another movie, when the truth is, we have to work through our junk. we have to take time out to reflect and think it through, recognize patterns, talk to someone, cry it out, whatever we need to do to let go of it.

our generation's whole 'just be strong and move on' facade is not only unhealthy, but it's dangerous. perhaps it's time we change our thinking, start unpacking our baggage, and travel light ... you know, without a purse.

someone i know tried to take their life recently, which served as a huge wake up call and reminder to me of how many people suffer from depression/despair, how many people walk through it alone, and why i should write this blog.

as most of you would know from reading previous posts, depression is something that i battle myself. i've seen some inexplicably dark times over the past 21 years, admittedly, as recent as this past easter weekend, and if i'm being honest, even a little bit today.

that being said, i know that there isn't a formula to getting better, but i've included a few things below that help me get through the rough patches, in hopes that they will help those of you who 'get it' through yours, too.

1) get up and get out

i know how much energy it requires to get out of bed some days, let alone the energy it can take to even think about such a daunting task, but hear it from one who has stayed in bed one too many days in her life, getting out of bed is one of the best things you can do for your mental health, and health, period.

so get up. go for a walk. jump on the treadmill. watch a funny show. cook your favourite meal, or better yet, cook mine for me [chili, in case you are wondering]. but seriously, whatever you do, just get up, and get out.

2) celebrate the good.

no matter how dark your life may seem at the time, there are always things to celebrate; like sports victories, good weather, or in a literal sense, your nephew's 10th birthday [love you, matthew]. whatever your 'good' is, find it, and celebrate it.

3) treat yo self [before you wreck yo self].

yesterday, i treated myself to two of my favourite things [at two different times of day, of course]: booster juice and sushi. and today? today i think i'll treat myself to a pedicure, and maybe, just maybe, a blue jays' game or a movie. after all, i deserve a treat once in a while. and so do you. so treat yourself.

now if you'll excuse me, i must eat my own words and 'get my feet did', so i don't sit here feeling de-'feet'-ed.

until next time, friends.

wyerton willie is often the bearer of bad news. we see sun one day and pull out our flip flops the next, only to find out that a groundhog - a stinkin groundhog! - is calling for more snow. 'it's april 15th!. are you out of your mind?', we think. i can't deal with this wind. my back hurts from shoveling. it's too dark. i'm cold!

we have time frames in place for the four seasons. winter should end by march at the latest. spring, june. summer, september. and so forth.

and such can be said about the seasons we face in life, too. relationships should last longer. we've been unemployed too long. sick too much. stuck. poor. depressed.

but i'm here to bring you good news! no matter how long winter lasts, spring is guaranteed. no matter how long you've been unemployed or depressed [a blog on the latter coming soon], the sun is due to come out!

so ... don't give up. keep going. press on.

1) "it's okay".

i was out in public the other day and had no choice but to listen to a mother try to calm her screaming baby down. "shhhhhh, it's okay", she said, "don't cry".

somehow, in this random brain of mine, i started thinking about how you and i often comfort our friends.

sometimes, our friends need to talk. other times, they need a distraction. some fun. laughter, you name it.

but sometimes, just sometimes, they may need to cry. and that's okay.

i find that our natural reaction to someone crying can be harmful at times; we, like that mom and her baby [which, i acknowledge, is a totally different story], are quick to try and stop our friends from crying, and do anything we can to 'cheer them up'. "it could be worse" we say. "you have so much to be thankful for".

while statements such as the above are true, they can be quite damaging.

next time your friend needs you, try and gauge what it is they actually need, and do your best to help them accordingly.

2) monkey see - monkey do.

my team and i were enjoying a lovely breakfast on a hot summer's day in malawi a few summers a go when my eyes were drawn to the rustling i overheard coming from a tree near by. to my surprise, a monkey climbed down the tree, jumped on a table next to me and stole a piece of toast out of the hand of a fellow traveler. i clinched my toast and laughed. seconds later, a second monkey came down, jumped on the same table, only to leave with some jam. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?", i thought. "if that third monkey comes down and grabs a knife, i'm going to die" [of laughter that is, not from a monkey stabbing].

this whole experience baffled me for years until my friend reminded me of the familiar saying, "monkey see - monkey do" the other night. those monkeys had been up in that tree watching us humans lather our toast with strawberry jam, and expected nothing less for their breakfast.

and somehow, in this random brain of mine, i linked this whole thing to leadership.

those you lead don't listen to what you say, they watch what you do.

i can't tell you the amount of times that i've been told to do something, only to have the one who told me to do it turn around and do the complete opposite, leaving me feeling confused and wondering whether or not i could trust them as my leader.

the truth is, we've all been there.

your boss stresses the importance of showing up to work on time, and comes in 20 minutes late each day himself.
your mom tells you to hang up your jacket, but throws hers on the kitchen chair when she gets home from work.
your prof emphasizes deadlines, and yet hands your paper back three months after you handed it in.

you get the picture.

truth be told, true leadership isn't proven in one's ability to 'talk the talk', but in their ability to 'walk the walk'.

because, well, monkey see - monkey do.

our 'behinds'

i was driving my sister's car the other day and it hit me; i spent way more time looking through the windshield than i did the rear view mirror. what was ahead of me, the cars,[ahem, parked cars], stop signs, snow banks and the like, were more important to me than what was behind me.

shouldn't the same be said about life?

sure, in some ways we can't escape our past, after all, it's responsible for shaping us into the person we are today, but we can't live there; we have too good of a future ahead to worry about ... our behinds.

our 'butts'

i should really study for my exam, but ... i'm tired and can do it tomorrow.
i should call so and so to see how she's doing, but ... she's probably busy.
i'll go to the gym, but ... my legs are sore from yesterday's work out.
i should eat these carrots, but ... this crème egg looks good.
i should, but ... but ... but!

you get the picture.

truth be told, our 'buts' get in the way of doing the very things we need to do to ensure a better life and future, and so can our 'behinds' if we let them.

"let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you" [proverbs 4:25]