"hey guys", i said as my friends and i approached a group of six people sitting on a bench in a shady [in more ways than one] park on gerrard street east. "would you like some water?"

"uh no", she said. "we have beer".

"that's cool", i said, "would you like some water for later?"

"noooo, we have beer", she repeated. [i think she wanted me to know that she had beer lol].

so i went another route, and started including the others, too. one guy had a sick red new york yankees hat on [minus the yankees part] so naturally i started talking about the jays, which he found humorous, which naturally led me to laugh out loud, which, well, naturally led them to make fun of my crazy laugh. consider the ice broken.

we didn't talk about anything deep this time around, which has never been our agenda any ways, but we did share some more laughs, a few dance moves, and you better believe that my friends and i listened a great deal. one guy was ecstatic that he 'can now get married in ireland', another was blown away that we weren't with any organization and were handing out water 'on our own', and one lady shared of her health struggles and asked me if i had any underwear.

"not on me", i said. "well..uh..i have a pair ON me, but that's not going to help anyone". she rolled her eyes. [tough crowd]. "perhaps i should start an 'operation fruit of the loom' soon in the near future", i thought.

all kidding aside, being asked for underwear reassured me of the fact that there are so many needs out there. water. sandwiches. some change. underwear. a good laugh. you name it. and honestly, when you think about it, it really doesn't cost us much to reach out and help others. two of my friends and i took a couple of hours out of our saturday to do something practical, and the water, thanks to walmart this week, cost us a measly $1.88. helping others doesn't always cost us much, and is more simple than we make it out to be at times, not to mention rewarding.

i'll never forget the face of the older gentlemen whom we gave our last water bottle to. he was lying on the ground on the northwest corner of the infamous dundas square, blending in with the crowd and yet invisible to some.

"good day, sir. would you like some water?" we said.

i tell you no lies - his whole disposition changed in a matter of seconds! his piercing blue eyes popped out of their sockets as he sat up a bit and said, "ohhh yes! thank you" with so much excitement and gratitude in his voice. we honestly couldn't have asked for a better way to end our day.

so thank you, sir. thank you for reminding us of what operation hydration is all about: you.

**************************************************************************************************

operation hydration recap:

first outing: just me and 10 water bottles.
second outing: 21 water bottles, two of my friends and i.
what will operation hydration 3 look like? [stay tuned for the deets!]

someone recently prayed that 'God would show up and show off in my life'. you better believe that i 'amened' that prayer, but i also added my own, that God would open my eyes to see the ways in which he is active in my life. ["keep your eyes open for God, watch for his works; be alert for signs of his presence" - psalm 105:4 MSG].

well, this week has been ... cray cray in the 'God showing up and showing off' department.

i've been treated to more dinners than i can count, my brother bought me a sick bike, and a friend, a helmet. doors have been opening like crazy when it comes to the non-profit/ministry that i feel like i am supposed to start, friends rescued me at 12:30a.m. when i was stuck without the buses that were supposed to show up according to miway's bus app, and the list goes on. kindness surrounds me, love is kind, and God is love. [1 john 4:8]

truthfully, i'm used to this kind of provision in my life [i could tell you some crazy stories], but sometimes, God shows up in my life in ways i least expect it, like shutting doors that i thought should have been swung wide open.

i thought i had it all worked out. after a series of events [my mom being given a second chance at life after a long battle with cancer, an inspiring conversations with a friend, my 35th birthday etc.], i left my job in pursuit of my dream of working with the poor.

in my head, it all made sense. i would pick up a part-time serving job to pay my bills. not only would the money be good, but this type of job would provide a flexible enough schedule for me to get crackin on what i was put on earth to do.

so you can imagine how excited i was when i got a phone call for an interview at a local pub just days after i left my job.

i show up in confidence like i always do [i have mad interview skills], had the manager laughing for at least 3/4 of my interview, and walked out convinced that i got the job.

today, however, i wake up to a voicemail telling me that 'i have the best personality, but that he's decided to go another route'.

i felt totally bummed out, and i let myself feel bummed out, because, well, sometimes you just need to let yourself feel bummed out. but then i got up, got ready, and walked to second cup where i've been job hunting and studying homelessness all day. [even in light of disappointment, you have to keep moving forward].

we make all of these plans in our head, you know; plans of how things should work out and what life should look like, and sometimes, the things we imagine for ourselves actually pan out. but sometimes, they don't; sometimes, just sometimes, you have to let the good pass you by in exchange for the best.

"we can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps". [proverbs 16:9]

trusting that He'll 'guide me along the BEST pathway for my life' [psalm 32:8] ... and trusting the same for you!

ps. OPERATION HYDRATION 2 going down this weekend. get at me for deets.

no matter where life finds you, it's imperative that you spend some time doing things that make you feel alive. for me, that's writing letters [or emails and facebook posts] of encouragement, singing at the top of my lungs while using my hammy as a snare drum, going for coffee with a friend, and blogging. [for all 185 of you who read yesterday's post 'sex ed for the win & other tings', thank you].

with 'living life to its full' as my new motto, i promised myself that i would make some changes as i approached 35. not only did i write a list of things that i want to accomplish, as well as fun things i want to do this year, but i made some serious changes. i found myself re-evaluating certain friendships, and leaving the job that has employed me this past year in hopes to look after myself, and pursue my dreams of working with youth and the poor.

as most of you know, i took my first step a few weeks a go and organized my first 'operation hydration', with the second one just being less than two weeks away.

and yesterday, a local youth pastor called me, asked me to speak at his youth group about 'faith in action' and lead an operation hydration, which excites me and assures me that i am on the right track.

in addition to this, i reconnected with an organization by the name of st. francis table [a restaurant for the poor], where teams of youth and i spent a considerable amount of time volunteering a few summers a go, and am taking the trek downtown toronto on Friday to hang out with the crew there and see if i can assist them in any way. [stay tuned for details]. so things are looking promising.

in the meantime, i'm dilligently searching for a job that'll pay my bills, and sending out resumes accordingly.

that being said, if anyone of you are looking for some help, i could use something to do, and/or some cash. [though i am in need of a bike and am willing to work for that, too if you have one laying around]. i'm good at, but not limited to:

- painting [i was actually thinking of starting a company called iPaint uPay]
- cleaning [iClean uLean?]
- writing essays [haha]
- making you laugh
- public speaking
- babysitting
- other

so if you have something for me to do, holla for paula.

[of course, if you really need help and aren't in a place to compensate, i'm sure we can work something out; i have lots of time on my hands and would love to help!]

updates & tings.

1) i quit my job.

without going into too much detail, this is something i had been contemplating for months now. it wasn't a good fit, the commute was killing me, and it was a toxic environment for ME to work in, so after a series of events last week, i made a choice. a choice that doesn't benefit me financially obviously, but benefits my health, and well, mental health > money.

truthfully though, i feel a little lost. everything i've worked for in life has seemingly fallen apart [mainly my career and friendships] and i can't figure out why, which is discouraging in itself.

on top of that, i just moved to brampton and have no idea why. i've lived here before, but in an odd way it still feels foreign to me.

BUT feeling lost isn't always a bad thing, is it? i mean, how i feel today isn't permanent, and fresh starts can be good, and ... fresh, right?

and so i keep moving forward and trusting that God will 'guide me along the BEST pathway for my life" [psalm 32:8], while doing my part to make the most of every day and every opportunity he brings my way. we don't get to choose our lot in life, but we do get to choose what we do with it.

2) it takes next to nothing to make someone's day.

sometimes, i sit on my lovely sun-lit couch at home and get my work done, and others, i 'rent' second cup's wifi with a purchase of a tea, or my absolute fave, a caramel coretto. today would fit into the latter category, and am i ever glad i made the trek here this morning.

the barista lit up as i approached the counter, and said, "hi sweetheart! nice to see you!". i have no idea if she remembered me from months a go, or if she thought i was someone else, but i didn't care; i walked away feeling like a million bucks. [for all of my customer service peeps, never underestimate your ability to light up even the weariest of souls]. small things can make a big difference.

3) sex-ed for the win.

easy for me to say since i don't have children, but from what i've read, i'm all for the new sex ed curriculum. it's informative, and from what i can see, could play a huge role in preventing and/or stopping sexual abuse. teaching students in grade one about body parts, and the right to privacy is key, and informing them that there are different family structures [because there are whether you like it or not] is inclusive. of course there are other issues floating around, like people not wanting their children to know certain positions and the like, but wouldn't you rather have your kids learn these things from a teacher [who we would assume wants the best for your kids also] than from a peer? i don't know; i could be opening a can of worms here. take it or leave it.

either way, parents, the discussions that you have around your table [and the way in which you live your life] will have far more bearing on your child's life than any 60 minute class ever will.

paula out.

sometimes, you have to take the first step alone.

a few people backed out of operation hydration this week, and another this morning, leaving three of us to hand out water. i filled my bag with bottles and made my way to the GO station to catch the bus downtown. ten minutes into the ride, however, the bus driver came over the loud speaker and announced that the highway was closed and that we would be rerouted to port credit to take the train. knowing that this would put me behind schedule by almost an hour, i contacted the ladies that were participating to fill them in. sadly, and understandably, they were no longer able to participate due to the time delay. so that left ... me, myself, and i.

truthfully, i was disappointed, and a little discouraged at first. this was supposed to be my 'big break', you know? the beginning of my dream!

but then i looked down and noticed the bag full of water bottles sitting at my feet and it hit me. the show must go on. after all, i spent some time praying this morning that God would lead 'us' to those who needed water and some love today, and even though the 'us' part was taken out of the equation, those i spent time praying for weren't, and neither was God.

so instead of turning around and heading back home to sulk, i got on the train and decided to continue with the mission i set out to do, and here's what i learned along the way:

1) roadblocks are inevitable.

ask anyone who you deem successful and they'll tell you the same thing. every president. CEO. any ball player. your favourite author. you name it. anyone who has ever started something can tell you story after story about things they had to overcome to get where they are today.

the same can be said about you, and the same can be said about me.

i wouldn't be fit for this if i let a little inconvenient detour stop me from doing what i set out to do in the first place.

the truth is, roadblocks can stop you and force you to give up, or they can pave the way for comebacks. the choice was mine today, and the choice will be yours next time you face one.

2) as a leader, you can't just talk the talk; you must walk the walk.

i set out to do things like this for three reasons: one, to help people. two, to teach others that we're no different than the ones we isolate, exclude, look down on, and judge, and that everyone has a story, and three, to assure people that they alone can make a difference by showing them how simple it actually is to meet someone else's need.

i could have easily turned around and went back home after i found out that no one else could make it, and quite frankly, i thought about it, but then my words would have no backing; i can't walk around teaching people that one person can make a difference, and refuse to make one myself when no one else shows up.

3) you can't give away what you don't have.

i had just finished handing out a couple of bottles of water to two funny dudes who were chugging back their tall boys on the street corner [that's a whole other blog on its own], and realized that it had been hours since i had drank anything myself. i was thirsty, and the heat was getting to me, so i drank my last bottle of water. now, before you get all judgey judgey on me, there's a valuable lesson to be learned in even this: you can't take care of others if you don't take care of ... you.

[operation hydration 2 deets coming soon].

sometimes, you just have to take the first step.

i've been sitting on a dream of mine for nearly half of a decade now [that sounds more dramatic than 'for five years'] and have recently decided that now is as good of a time as any to get crackin on making it happen.

my dream job? to bridge the gap between two overlooked people groups [youth and the poor] through eye opening experiences, practical teaching, and personal reflection.

i remember the exact conversation that opened my eyes to see that my dream was not only possible, but meaningful.

i may have shared this before, but i was hanging out with some of my friends in a soup kitchen one day when i noticed that one of my street friends had a tattoo on his neck. curious about it, i asked him what it signified.

"this is the date my wife was born, and this one" he said as he choked up, "is the date she passed away".

he then began to tell me and one of the youth i was with about the day his whole life changed forever.

he, like many others, found comfort in a bottle. and another. and another. until his very life consisted of making trips to the local beer store in attempt to numb his unimaginable pain. before he knew it, he lost his job, his kids, and lastly, his house, causing him to become 'just another' invisible fixture on the city's cold and lonely sidewalk.

i obviously felt his pain [who wouldn't?], but having my dad still around at the time, i didn't understand grief the way i do now. but ashlea did. and i sat there in awe as i watched a 15 year old girl from wichita, kansas connect with a 40 some odd year old toronto man over the loss of a loved one.

that was a defining moment for me; a moment where my dream of bridging the gap between what would appear to be two unlikely people groups became realistic for me; realistic because i just watched a connection happen right before my very eyes.

so here i am, 'half a decade later' taking a step towards creating my dream job, and putting my gifts, passions, and experience, to use.

mark my word. one day, i will have a place downtown toronto where youth [and whoever wants to, really] can come and stay the week or weekend, learn about homelessness and other social issues in the city, hear real-life stories that break down the pre-conceived ideas they [we] have about those on the margins of society, challenge the barriers of judgement that we have so easily built around our hearts, and have the opportunity to actually serve at local soup kitchens and homeless shelters and the like.

but for now, i will hand out water.

after all, every dream begins with a single step.

will you join me?

operation hydration. this saturday. downtown toronto. 1-3ish. get at me for deets.

1) some days, i wonder if my friends realize how fortunate they are to have me in their life [or why it's so hard for them to express that at times], and other times, i convince myself that no one would notice if i disappeared tomorrow.

your mind [and emotions] can play tricks on you. do your utmost to guard both.

2) i wish that people could empathize with me, or at the very least, sympathize with my pain sometimes instead of writing it off and spewing nonsense [not directed at anyone specific]. at the end of the day, if you always respond to my heart [pain] with your head [logic], i'm most likely going to stop sharing it with you. [again, not directed at anyone specific].

logic has its place, but empathy trumps all.

then again, maybe it's time that i stop expecting people to respond to me the way i need them to, and start finding comfort from the One who understands exactly what i go through each day, and can actually do something about it.

in 1 Samuel chapter one we are introduced to a man named elkanah [didn't they have baby name books back then?], who the bible says had two wives: peninnah [clearly they didn't], who had children, and hannah, who did not.

it goes on to tell us in verses 6 and 7 that miss 'i have a really ugly name' provoked hannah [and kept provoking her] for years in order to irritate her. so not only was hannah dealing with an unmet desire of being a mom [something i can empathize with at age 35], she had this mean spirited and jealous sister-wife making things more unbearable for her.

her response? "in her deep anguish hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly" [vs 10]. so much in fact, that eli the priest thought she was drunk:

VS13: "hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. eli thought she was drunk and said to her, “how long are you going to stay drunk? put away your wine.”

VS15: “not so, my lord,” hannah replied, “i am a woman who is deeply troubled. i have not been drinking wine or beer; i was pouring out my soul to the Lord. do not take your servant for a wicked woman; i have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."

i have read and meditated on this passage of scripture for over a month now, and can acknowledge that hannah's 'coping mechanism' was indeed healthy and most beneficial, yet i find it exceptionally hard to put it into practice myself.

instead of 'pouring out my soul to the Lord', i drown myself in episode after episode of the next best thing on netflix, devour a bag of chips [the only time i'm glad the bag is half full of air], or try and spill my heart to a friend who isn't going to respond the way i want them to any ways, because, well, they're different, and their perspective is different.

the world will tell you that alcohol, drugs, food, netflix, relationships and the like will bring you the most comfort in life, and while i can attest to the fact that these things [or whatever your personal coping mechanism is] will indeed bring you comfort for a period of time, i'm starting to believe that hannah was on to something.

thoughts?