my heart is heavy.

my sister and her fiance are currently sitting at the bedside of al's mom, moments after taking her off of life support. just last week, she lost her mom, his grandma.

a family member of mine was just diagnosed with cancer. i can't give much more detail than that at this point, but some people just get dealt a crappy hand in life.

one of my friends just lost her dad, and weeks later, finds herself in a hospital each day fighting for her daughter's life.

another friend is beyond stressed at work, another is going through a messy divorce, and the list goes on.

but here's the thing, friends. we weren't meant to face these things alone. there are far too many 'one another' verses in the bible to make me believe otherwise.

too often we fail to reach out because we're uncomfortable, or 'don't know what to say', when really a lot of the times there isn't anything we can say.

but goodness gracious, there has to be something we can do.

pick up a phone. send an email. show up. cook a meal. clean a house. watch a movie.

just ... do something.

our family and friends needs us. your family and friends need YOU.

fall has got to be my favourite season hands down. the humidity is replaced with fresh air, the leaves turn into 50 shades of red [not grey], and i get to wear mittons, yes mittons, only to be taken off to enjoy an ever so delicious pumpkin spice latte. [okay, maybe a few pumpkin spice lattes]. i love fall.

whether you're a huge fan of summer or not, there's something to be said about change.

you see, each season has it's purpose. winter exists to keep the emergency rooms busy with frost-bite victims. summer exists so that families can spend more time with each other [or their apple products] and get a nice tan. spring brings new life, and fall keeps us thankful for ours. each season has its purpose.

and so does the one i'm about to enter.

as most of you know, i just spent a week just outside of chicago scoping out a job that has been offered to me. below is the journey of how i got there. straight out of my journal, in fact.

i feel kind of excited today and trust that i will be taken care of if i make this move. it's been two years in the making, after all.

being involved in oasis youth ministry brought healing to me and sparked my interest in youth ministry again, which is where this whole process 'started', i think.

i felt the need to take a step towards getting back into ministry after second cup, which led me to CSM, followed by a series of events that led me to one voice one team. all the while, God was moving me towards youth pastoring. but where? i exhausted all of my options at this point.

scott contacted me about a youth position in january just to get a feel as to where i was at, and to'plant a seed', as he says. knowing i had a contract to fulfill until june 30th, i put it on the back burner.

may approaches and i hear from him again. only this time he seems more serious, and i'm at a place in my life where i can start considering such an offer. after all, it lines up with everything i felt God was speaking to me over the past few years, and the timing couldn't be better.

a few months later, i'm sitting in second cup with a spiritual mother type figure, telling her how i feel like i'm in a season of transition and i how i can't shake this chicago offer. 'coincidentally', i get home only to find an official "i want you to be my youth pastor" invite.

the rest is history, really. i told scott that there would be three things that need to happen in order for this to work, one of which was a pre-acceptance visit, which is why i flew down there this past week.

my observation? i couldn't ask for a better church and staff to be a part of, so i accepted the position effective january, providing two things work out in the meantime: 1) i get a visa. 2) finances 'fall' into place. in the meantime, i will be looking for a job here in port credit, studying, reading, and doing all that i can to prepare myself for the journey i'm about to embark on.

i don't have a huge booming voice telling me that i need to move to chicago and pastor, but what i do have is a lot of 'gentle pushes' that way. and so i sit here excited, choosing to trust in the God that put this desire in my heart in the first place. what more can one do, really?

"trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path" [proverbs 3:5-6]

today was like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. wait, that doesn't make sense. a ray of sunshine in a cloudy week? a bright day? a good day?

whatever. i liked today =)

first, let it be said that waking up at my BFF's house is an automatic plus. being able to cuddle with her adorable kids, one of which greeted me with a hug and a sweet, "i like when you're here", melts my heart, and getting to squeeze them tight as they walk out the door for school melts my heart even more. i love them to pieces. they're adorable, yes, but i can't help but love them simply because they're a part of my friend.

from there i went and hung out with my dear friend, vanessa, who, after spending a good chuck of her morning with me, handed me $100 as we departed. i nearly cried as she had no idea the extent of stress i was under just trying to figure out how i was going to pinch my almost-extinct pennies and try and make them last this week.

then tonight, right after i conveniently found out that i am NOT being paid for the time i spent in honduras, i get a surprise package delivered to my door. and by package i mean my sister's sweet friend [who will remain nameless to protect his identity. you're welcome, ______] ;) [no not THAT kind of package].

this won't come as a surprise to those of you who stalk my facebook statuses [hahaha just kidding], but as if my sister's friend's presence wasn't enough, he came bearing gifts: a letter and journal, $50 canadian, $26 american, and an old navy gift card, all of which were laced with gratitude and encouragement.

this may seem like a weird thing to say after writing five paragraphs, but his kindness, as well as the kindness of others, has left me ... speechless ... and once again in awe of God's provision in my life.

sleep well tonight, friends. i know i will.

sometimes all you have to hang on to is the promise that things will look up. they always do, after all.

i've been in this 'weird space' ever since i stepped foot on the plane to honduras. and by weird i mean weeeeird. it's as if any confidence i had in myself [and God through me] vanished, leaving me battling a ton of self-hate and feeling unworthy of anyone's love.

not that i battle such thoughts often, but when i do, i'm usually good at combating them. but this time seemed to be different.

i felt angry during honduras, as if the world owed me something. i was extremely sick all week as mentioned in a previous blog, which i'm sure factored into the way i felt, but i remember sitting there and becoming bitter about 'how much i give' and how i always seem to 'get nothing in return', and sooner than later, i became bitter at the fact that i seem to have to initiate all most of of relationships in my life.

i started looking at people - my friends mainly - through this bitter lens, causing me to become blind to the ways in which they would try and reach out.

and sadly, i carried this attitude home with me.

after a disagreement with a friend [and my brother's girlfriend], i came to the conclusion that i, paula castrucci, am unworthy of love. [RIDICULOUS, i know].

but after a good cry last night, some of my walls came crumbling down, and thankfully, i am one step closer to believing the truth, and walking in it once again.

because the truth is, i am loved. the truth is, i'm surrounded by many - and i mean many - people who love me and who serve as a constant reminder that 'love is kind'.

i came home from honduras with $60 to my name [which quickly went down to $40 after a quick grocery run]. knowing that i have bills to pay and a wedding to be in this weekend, i began to feel overwhelmed.

next thing you know, i receive an e-transfer for $50 in my inbox from a friend in BC who wanted to remind me that i am loved. then my mom came and insisted [in true motherly fashion] that i accept the five $20 bills she tried to slip me...then my younger sister bought me the shoes i need for my friend's wedding...then my older sister whipped out her credit card without even thinking twice and covered my $230 seamstress bill [losing weight is costly!]...then my best friend buys me dinner, my favourite mints, and bus tickets...and the list goes on.

the truth is, love is kind, and i am loved.

aside from beaming with pride as i watched my students wholeheartedly serve the people in honduras, only three things kept consuming my mind during the duration of the trip: the definition of poverty, my purpose in being there, and how weary i'm feeling in life. below are three journal clippings to explain these three things further.

poverty

"being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, i think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat" [mother teresa]

poverty, to me, has nothing to do with money, or lack of possessions, how most would define it. throughout all of my traveling and working with 'the homeless', i have come to learn that the 'poorest' people [by this definition] are among the richest i know. owning possessions doesn't make one rich, love does, and love 'they' have, and love 'they' give.

pupose

i'm going through some weird emotions and can't remember if i felt this way during other trips or not. none-the-less, i must walk through them as if this is the first time i'm experiencing them.

one youth leader asked us the most difficult question today; the dreaded "why are you here?" question, which is fair. i'm not sure i have a good or acceptable answer, really. i often fight 'poverty tourism' myself. am i hear to 'look at the poor' and pretend i have a solution? no. am i here with the mindset that we canadians can come in and make a difference in a measly week? not at all. i find myself questioning why i'm here, though. for my students, yes, but it is fair to 'use' honduras to teach them? or is 'getting away' a necessary part of the learning process sometimes? [still wrestling through this]

feeling weary

i'm tired, God. tired of initiating friendships all the time. tired of encouraging people endlessly. just ... tired. but i love you. so i will keep lifting others up.

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there you have it. i have so much more on my heart today but perhaps i will keep writing and post that stuff at a later date. thanks for reading.

i just got off my 56th flight in 11 years and never have i had a more difficult time in another country than i did in honduras. the plane ride there was smooth, and fun, but a day into the trip i became extremely ill [and in no ways do i say that to be dramatic]. i had a high fever, heat stroke, what we'll call traveler's bowel, haha, zero energy and longed for home. i stayed back at the hotel during one of the first mornings to rest, which proved to be beneficial. things seemed to look up that afternoon, only to become sick again hours later. this, although my fever wasn't nearly as bad as it was on day one, seemed to continue all the way through the week until the day before we departed. but i made the most of it; talking to people through the bathroom window, making my team laugh when i could, all the while praying that i could 'hold it all in' during my daily trek up the mountain to run our camp. thankfully, i only had one minor 'accident' while i was there, and aside from a minor cough, a mild fever, and looking like 'ass' as my sister put it, i am home and on the mend.

this trip was different than the others i've been on as i tried to look at it through the eyes of my students. sure, i loved the kids and the people we met, but i spent most of the little energy that i did have on my students. watching them jump right in and pour their hearts into the people in honduras filled my heart with joy. i honestly couldn't be more proud of them.

while we were there, we ran two different camps: justin and nikki's team went to camp hope, and my team went to camp agape. here, we helped run their summer camps, assisting them with anything from crafts to games. the language barrier was definitely... a barrier lol, but it didn't take us long to realize that simple things like hugs, handshakes, funny faces, and smiles can break down any language barrier. love, as we experienced, is a universal language.

the students had the chance to go to the only orphanage in copan ruinas on wednesday morning. from what i hear, it was more heartbreaking than 'the average' orphanage as they lack the help and resources to give these children the care that they need. the children there would literally be sitting in their own urine and feces for hours, if not days. [i'm not kidding], had ring worm, among other things, and were starving for affection. the saddest part? any money that people have donated to that specific orphanage hasn't gone towards the children. the owner, who isn't used to having money, tends to use any money donated for personal use. it's the saddest thing. part of me thinks God protected my heart from going and seeing it that day. i can't even imagine how i would have reacted to any of the above, let alone have been able to keep my english speaking mouth shut if i ran into the owner ;)

through the good moments and heartbreaking ones alike, God was with us throughout the whole trip. we faced a considerable amount of health issues during the week, and a couple of financial roadblocks the last night/morning we were there [about $900 worth], but we pulled through both, AND managed to get out of honduras/el salvador just HOURS before an earthquake - 7.3 on the rictor scale to be exact - followed by a 5.4 aftershock, which was then followed by a tsunami warning. [did i mention how glad i am to be home?] i've had enough excitement for one week =)

for those of you who prayed, sent quick facebook messages or supported the team financially, thank you so much for partnering with me/us on this trip! i can't tell you how grateful i am for your support.

stay tuned for some of my journal clippings and other stuff tomorrow.

it's hard to believe that i am a half a sleep away from seeing yet another one of my dreams come true. [a dream that has been ten years in the making].

people keep asking me what it is that my team and i are doing over in honduras this week. my response? we're doing whatever we can to assist the organization down there by serving in whichever capacity they need us to [rocking babies, running a camp etc]. i refuse to board the plane tomorrow morning with the mindset that i'm going to 'change honduras' or 'bring them the help 'that they need' from canada, like some assume i'm going to do.

truth be told, when we go on short term 'mission' trips with that mentality, we fail; when we go with a servant's heart, and with a mindset that we are no better than the people we will serve, we succeed. trips like this should involve partnership.

though i plan on giving my all in all that i do there, with as much heart as possible, my mission lies within the five students that will be coming with us.

i want my students to experience what it's like to live in a different country. i want them to learn that you can lack [and i use lack lightly] all of things that we north americans strive for and be content. i want them to see firsthand how love can break down any language barrier. i want them to see that people, such as myself and my fellow leaders, believe in them and are willing to journey with them through all of the emotions they have felt, and will feel, in this process.

and most importantly, i want them to see that they, no matter where they come from or what their past looks like, can make a difference far beyond the community they live in. because they can.