Christians, this one's for you.

one, not everyone understands the clichés that you use. telling someone that your 'church is on fire' may cause someone to call 911.

two, be careful what you say and the motive in which you say it with. words like "i'm praying for you", or my personal favourite [please sense the sarcasm], "loneliness is God's cry for intimacy" can be viewed as a copout. there are far too many 'one another' verses in the bible for me to believe that God wants us to do life alone. pray, yes, but be a friend and reach out in a practical way, too.

and lastly, people need to know what you stand for, not what you're against. i'm tired of reading about Christians grabbing signs and picketing against issues that they haven't even spent time researching. we all have our own views on homosexuality, abortion, and the like [sadly, two issues that Christians are known for fighting against], but chill the heck out and rethink your methods. [said in love and with a lot of passion of course]. more than what you're 'against', people should be able to tell you apart because of what you stand for: love, grace, and peace, to name a few. [things that i have a hard time displaying at times, too].

that's all she wrote ... for now.

1) crack is bad.

i get it, mayor ford smoked [smokes?] crack and crack is bad, but i can't af'ford' to waste any more precious time on this, in my opinion, overly drawn out mayor publicity.

2} perspective.

i get that it's cold. i can see my breath every morning on my way to work, and i 'almost died' without the mittens i bought this week, but so far [and i don't say this lightly], thousands of people have died in the Philippines because of typhoon haiyan. sometimes we canadians need some perspective.

3) love is an action word, and 'small' acts of love can make a huge difference.

i sit here thinking about some of the thoughtful things people have done for me this past little while, and how loved they made me feel in doing so.

for dinner tonight, i enjoyed an amazing bowl of chili that my coworker brought me because she knows how much i love chili. last week, another friend dropped off my favourite starbucks' drink, followed by a thoughtful gift and a heartwarming letter. the previous week, another coworker ran over to the mall when he was done his shift and grabbed me a coffee to ensure that i stayed awake until i was done mine. and the list goes on.

my point? don't underestimate the power of kindness! the 'smallest' act of love has the ability to occupy the biggest part of our hearts.

so what are you waiting for? close my blog and go love somebody <3

the more people let me into their lives, the more i'm aware of the paralysis that often comes with a broken heart.

life is full of disappointment. that person who promised to never leave you, leaves you. the one you thought was 'the one' had a few other 'ones' on the side. you didn't get that job you were banking on. the word you feared when you got your test results back came out of your doctor's mouth. and the list goes on.

i'm not trying to be depressing here, just realistic. life can be painful and unfair sometimes. just watch the news, or, if you want to be more current, more '2013', scroll through your facebook newsfeed. people are crying out for help.

so what do we do? what can we do?

i don't know about you, but my words come up short in times like these. i sit and listen to what my friends are saying [and not saying], and my immediate reaction is to try and say something so wise that their problems wash away.

i've learned something valuable along the way, though. being there for someone - like actually being physically present - can speak more comfort to a broken heart than any word we try and come up with in the process.

sometimes it's best just to ... show up.

1) tomorrow is not guaranteed.

one of the 'clients' at a women's recovery home i used to work in passed away this week. i can't help but think about her and how much of a fighter she was. naturally, i can't help but think about death either, and how important life is. we never really know how much time we have to impact another life. make today count.

2) progress.

a situation happened in my life recently that was extremely similar to one that happened months back, only this time i responded differently. last time, i responded emotionally. this time, rationally. i took a deep breath, processed it, and acted accordingly. i'm constantly striving to be better, and do better, so it's encouraging to see some growth.

3) the critics.

“it is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” [theodore roosevelt]

there will always be critics. but they don't count ... unless we let them.

love changes people.

i was walking to the elevator the other night at 3:30a.m as i often do after work. to my surprise, a young girl approached me and asked me if i had a smoke. i looked up, noticed her mascara stained cheeks and tear washed eyes, and asked if she was okay. "i just want to go home", she said. my heart sank. i asked if i could hug her, she said yes, and clung to me as if she hadn't been hugged in a very long time. and with that, she said, God bless", and skipped down the hallway. love changes dispositions. love changes people.

there seems to be quite the disconnect between my head and my heart these days, causing me to feel trapped in this frustrating place i like to call the 'process pathway'.

my heart tells me that many people love me, but my head tells me otherwise. and quite honestly, so does circumstance sometimes.

really though, how is it that i have dedicated my life to investing in people, and yet, when it comes down to it, i have no one to bring me ginger ale when i'm stuck in my room for three days with the flu, and/or heat stroke and dehydration?

i get it. people are busy with work and their own families. but what's the point in investing everything i have into people [which comes with sacrifice at times], when i don't have anyone to take care of me when i need taken care of?

even a phone call would have sufficed, or a simple, 'how are you feeling, paula? can i do anything?'.

i sit here battling many things as i type this. do i keep investing in others to the degree that i do without expecting anything in return? you know - 'be the change that i wish to see in the world'? - or do i shrink back and stop investing in people to the degree that i do in order to protect my already calloused heart?

now before you get all spiritual on me, christian folk, i'm fully aware that jesus invested in people without expecting anything in return, as i'm equally aware that he willingly invested in people he knew would betray him and turn on him in an instant, which blows me away every time i think about it. but i'm not jesus, and neither are you. [it was not my intent to offend anyone here].

truth be told, i bet if you were honest with yourself, you could admit that you, too, expect some kind of return for your relational investments, and feel 'jipped' if your investment isn't reciprocated to some degree, no?

i don't know. maybe i'm way out in left field here. [hopefully the same left field that rajai davis is in].

better keep processing.

please note: this blog wasn't written with anyone specific in mind.

i've been sitting here trying to pound out a blog that could adequately describe how i've been feeling these past days, but my words have come up short. instead, i choose to kind of re-post [and by kind of i mean change it a bit] a blog i wrote back in december.

i, paula isabella, struggle with a disease called 'premenstrual dysphoric disorder', and wish more than anything that i didn't. [sorry, fellas, i promise not to get graphic].

in grade eight, i had my first bout of depression. i had no idea where it came from either. i was in the running for female athlete of the year [at 32, i still 'got game'] and an english award, i had friends, good grades, you name it; but all of a sudden, this 'thing' hit me. i went from feeling happy to hopeless, and though i didn't know it at the time, deeply depressed, which seemed to be a monthly battle from there on in.

fast forward to my 27th year. i was living in edmonton at the time and hit my deepest bout of depression yet. after spending four very long days in bed [and 15 years battling this demon], i decided that i needed to get some help. days later, i began tracking my moods on a calendar.

if i had a good day, i drew a happy face. a normal day, a normal [?] one, and when i felt depressed, i drew a sad face. it didn't take me very long to realize that these episodes were surrounding my bless-ed period. [again, sorry, fellas].

so i did what any one of us would do: i googled it [which i don't highly recommend as it usually leads you to a hypochondriac who convinces you that you have some form of cancer]. i very quickly came across a disease called 'premenstrual dysphoric disorder', and within minutes, had the answer to the question i was asking myself all of these years: "what the heck is wrong with me?"

i took my findings to my doctor, was diagnosed with PMDD almost immediately, and put on a mild anti-depressant for six months to help me cope.

in addition to this, i started seeing a counselor and began looking at ways in which i could combat this battle of mine every month.

six months later, as mentioned above, i was taken off of the anti-depressants and began fighting this demon with the tools i had been given through counseling. i had good days and bad days. i lost some friends, and quality of life, but i finally came to a point years later where i could function during these two weeks each month, even though my emotions were still too intense for me at times.

thankfully, my last bout of depression was august 2010 [right before i moved to ottawa]. I WAS FINALLY FREE AND HAD NEVER FELT BETTER. i felt content. happy. fulfilled even.

then my dad passes away. add that to the fact that i was working for an unhealthy organization, and BOOM - all of a sudden my emotions become even more amplified and i no longer [feel like i] know how to cope with life. and soon after, the depression episodes reappeared.

i withdrew. cried myself to sleep more often than not. felt hopeless. suicidal even. i tried everything. praying. reading my bible. all the things people in the church have told me i need to do in times like this. only nothing seemed to be working. life just kept getting darker and darker.

i went on meds for a bit, but soon came off of them once my pharamicist informed me that the dose i was taking would take a 'very long time to work, if at all'. i tried counseling again, only to end up counseling my counselor. [no joke]. so i sit here feeling lost again.

it's an odd feeling knowing in your heart that you have so much to be grateful for [and i do], but having your mind constantly tell you the complete opposite. for the past few days i've had this lingering voice telling me that i'm unloveable/not good enough/a failure, and truthfully, i don't have much fight left in me today to tell it otherwise.

but i get out of bed and fight any ways, hoping that i'm just a few short days away from feeling like myself again.