i can see why that young, vibrant pastor recently took his own life. (a story that i can't get out of my head, by the way.)

outwardly, he was grieving. stressed. scared. his dad passed away years a go (which is hard on its own) and in doing so, left him the huge responsibility of leading his church (pressure.)

given that it was a popular church, pastor 'drew' had multiple stalkers, one of whom showed up at his house in a dangerous manner, forcing him to sell it, and his mom's house, hire security and move to a different community altogether (stressful.)

on top of that, he was a pastor, and only those who are one (or know of one) know the burden that brings in and of itself. leadership of any kind is lonely, but pastoring? people's eyes are on you. some, in form of adoration (which can be stressful in itself). others, in hopes to see you fail.

plus, you're expected to have all of the answers when it comes to God and faith and suffering (and the list goes on), and none of us do.

add a forced sabbatical to the list, and you feel distant from the thing and people you love the most. not to mention bored and purposeless. on top of that, idle time has its way of forcing you to face your pain, which is hard and exhausting.

while the outward stuff contributes to your state of hopelessness, it's the inward stuff that drives people to take their own life. the stuff people cant see. the never ending questions. the chaos. the turmoil.

"i'm too much of a burden; my spouse (family, friends) will be better off without me."

"i'm tired of fighting. i'm never going to get better"

(and that list goes on, too.)

so when i heard about the tragic death of pastor andrew stoecklein, i wasn't surprised. really sad, yes, but not surprised. (weird how you can feel heartbroken over someone you don't know.)

but even more than that, i'm left feeling burdened for those who struggle with a similar feat.

if you're a church goer, do me a favour and encourage your pastor this week (and every week after that.) love him or her well. expect less and pray (for them) more.

and if you're not, encourage anyone you can. spread love, not hate. give more and expect less, too.

because sadly, when it comes down to it, this won't be the last suicide we hear about. regardless of what can be seen on the outside or what our social media accounts say, we're all facing battles and demons that no one else knows anything about.

R.I.P, pastor.