"we assume life will go a certain way, and then it doesn't...and we find ourselves in a place we never would have imagined on our own. and so it was difficult and unexpected and maybe even tragic - and yet it opened us up and freed us to see things in a whole new way. suffering does that; it hurts, but it also creates."

i've been thinking about the tension between pain and suffering (which often feels like death) and the benefits of it (which can be extremely life-giving) a lot lately as we approach the third anniversary of my mom's death.

trust me when i say that i would do anything (and i mean anything) for the chance to hug my beautiful mom (and dad) once again and it pains me to know that i am unable to. there are days when i wish i never knew what it was like to wrestle with depression (both related and unrelated to the loss of my parents), and days when i wish i didn't feel this unshakeable loneliness that i do as a result, either.

BUT, as i've learned over the years, all of the stuff that i have suffered through in my life has made me a better friend, youth worker, and person, period; because of all of the above, i am able to connect with people on a deeper level; i'm much more compassionate, i'm a better listener and helper and i know what to say (most of the time) and what not to say (also most of the time.) suffering equips.

it can also develop a deeper appreciation for life.

i can honestly say that i'm the happiest, most at peace, and most content that i have ever been in my entire life. my parents gave me the gift of life, but in their death they gave me the greatest gift of all: a desire to live mine to its full.

the key is to be able to find a healthy balance between processing/grieving/feeling, and choosing to get up each day and enjoy my life in the midst of pain and suffering, and i do so with great intention; i let myself process the reasons i feel sad/depressed/stressed at any given time and let myself feel it (our feelings are valid and often point to something deeper), but i also refuse to let them paralyze me and prevent me from living my best life. on these (now few and far between) days, i let myself feel what i need to feel for a short while and then wipe my eyes and keep going. i force myself to get up and do things that bring me life; go for a walk, spend time in chapters, watch a ball game, send an encouraging email or text, hang out with a friend - you name it. suffering produces perseverance.

you may not be able to relate to the grief and pain that comes with losing a parent, suffer with a mental illness, or understand anything that i have mentioned in this blog specifically, but we all know what it's like to suffer in our own way. the question is, will you allow the pain that once paralyzed you to be used to create something good?

whatever it is that you're going through today, don't just suffer; lean in to its benefits.