i gotta say it.

our society has become lazy when it comes to fostering community and nurturing friendship.

we can preach the importance of community and retweet bell let's talk videos and hashtags until we're blue in the face, but what happens when a friend really needs to talk? or when someone we know is struggling, or grieving?

we like a status, send a quick "praying for you" text (which is better than nothing and all we can do at times, i know), or put the ball in our friend's court and assume they'll pick up the phone and call if they 'need to.'

i recognize that some of us don't know what to do or how to help; it is for those of you who fall into that category that i write this blog. (disclaimer: i'm no expert; i fail at this at times, too, but i've learned a few things along the way.)

first, a few don'ts:

don't say "call me if you need anything". while the person who is depressed or grieving may pick up the phone to make a call once in a while, this is highly unlikely. the one in deep pain (especially in regards to grief) shouldn't be in charge of reaching out. pick up the phone. if they want to talk, they'll answer, and if they don't, they know you care.

don't expect a response right away (sometimes, ever). i'm weird in the sense that i will (eventually) reply to every single message i receive, but not everyone has the energy to. either way, the person you send texts/emails/mail to reads all of them, and appreciates your sentiment. being thought about is helpful, but backing it up with action is even more so.

don't assume anything (more in this below.)

secondly, the do's:

let the wounded lead. ask questions. see where they're at. don't assume that they want to talk. they may just need a break from thinking or an excuse to leave their room.

example: my friend adriana was the perfect person to greet me at the airport the day after my mom passed away. she hugged me, asked me how i was in that moment, and then asked me what i felt like doing. in that particular moment, i felt like being normal. we went out for lunch and caught up on life, hung out with her dog, watched suits [staring at harvey spector is healing], and then when i needed to, i processed what happened the morning before and cried. she didn't assume how i was feeling and act accordingly; she asked me how i was feeling, and let me lead.

enter into their pain. we tend to distance ourselves from our loved one's pain because we feel uncomfortable, and/or avoid the elephant in the room because we feel awkward. but here's the thing (and i have to remind myself of this when the tables are turned) - we're called to "rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn" (romans 12:15), and your friend's struggle with grief (or mental illness) isn't about your comfort level, it's about theirs.

and lastly, and maybe even most importantly, be practical.

if a friend's loved one is in the hospital and you have an extra $20, give it to them. hospital parking is disgustingly expensive. so is eating in the cafeteria every day.

pick up the phone. send flowers or a card. make a meal. take them to a movie.
show up.

i mentioned a man name job in one of my most recent blogs. this dude knew pain. he had everything (ten kids, thousands of animals, a ton of servants, and good health), and lost everything just like that. i referred to him as an example of suffering in my last blog, but this time, i want to highlight his friends. we pick up the story in chapter two starting at verse 11:

"when job’s three friends, eliphaz the temanite, bildad the shuhite and zophar the naamathite, (i would totally give them nicknames) heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. when they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, (they entered into his pain) and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. then they sat on the ground with him (they showed up) for seven days and seven nights. no one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was"

but then, in chapters four, eight and eleven, job's friends open their dumb mouths, and, in an attempt to find a solution to his pain (can anyone relate?), they start blaming him and his sin for his loss (which, as you'll notice from reading chapter one, isn't the case at all).

take it from their example, don't try and figure life (or death) out, make excuses as to why something is happening to one of your friends, or feel the need to come up with a solution. though job's friend's fell into that trap the second time, they had it right the first; they showed up, felt his pain, and sat with him in it.

and that's all most of us need when we're struggling, too.

ps. we are not meant to carry our loved one's burdens in their entirety; there are times where professional help is needed and should be encouraged. do so firmly but gently, and (usually) in the form of a question (i.e do you think seeing a counsellor would help you?)