this is what mental illness can look like on any given day.

you're feeling great. happy even. things are going well for you and nothing can stand in your way.

but then, it does.

you start spiraling out of nowhere. sometimes there's a trigger, but sometimes there isn't. all you know is that the darkness has made its way back to you. unwanted yet unavoidable.

i know this because it just happened to me just yesterday.

i had a great weekend. i met a new friend for coffee saturday morning in my favourite city and our conversation was fun and life-giving. i crushed a few exam questions and then made my way to regent park, where i was greeted by some of my favourite people. i had great conversations, hung out with some kids, laughed a lot, and felt like i was 'doing something' meaningful. then i jumped in a friend's van to sleep on her couch.

it seemed that the minute i laid my head down, however, the thoughts started rushing in. thoughts of not belonging or being loved. thoughts that told me that i could vanish and that no one would notice. thoughts that didn't line up with the fact that i was on my friend's couch in a house where i feel the complete opposite, and always have.

eventually, i managed to fall asleep but woke up to the same thought pattern. unwarranted and untrue, sure, i recognize that, but real none-the-less. a little too real for my liking.

i was able to distract myself a bit when a friend and i walked to the store and when i found myself enveloped in a conversation with one of the ladies who comes to our bi-weekly small group, but found myself right back there once i said goodbye to my friends after lunch. like literally the second i stepped away from them i started crying, and i was too ashamed (maybe that's the wrong word?) to turn around when they asked if i wanted a ride. i put my headphones in hope to drown out my thoughts with some music, but they got darker with every step, it seemed.

"you're an inconvenience and burden to those who know you"

"no one loves you. no one wants to be around you; you could vanish and no one would even notice"

and other stuff i don't feel comfortable putting in print.

so i did all i knew how to do. i kept walking. and when that didn't work, i texted a friend, asked her to pray, found a hymn, put it on repeat in hopes to remind myself that "no amount of darkness can stop the light from coming in', and even though i didn't feel it, i couldn't stop my feeble attempt to do what i could to believe it.

i made it home around dinner time, turned my lights out and went to bed. sometimes sleep is the best remedy for an exhausting battle, and thankfully, it seemed to work for me this time.

i woke up to the sun peering through my window and an email from a friend telling me she was praying for me this morning, which turned out to be just enough to help me get out of bed and face the day. i made my way to a coffee shop (where i currently am) and managed to bring myself within two questions away from being done my exam. (i gave myself until tomorrow to finish it and i am right on par.)

that's the thing with mental illness; you never know when it'll hit and you never know when it'll go away, but as another one of my favourite melodies reminds me, when the night is holding onto me, God is holding on.