dear mom and dad,

remember that time you won a trip to vegas at the legion? i couldn't stop thinking about that as i spent a day there last week. i remember how excited you were; you deserved that trip so much.

i hiked the grand canyon last week also. thought of you then, too. i can just picture your very different expressions; mom, you would have been so excited for me and happy to live vicariously through me, and dad, you would have lost sleep until you got word that i hadn't fallen in or been trampled by a mule. you always were a worry wart.

i got my credentials a month a go. missed you something fierce that night. the table was full of people cheering me on; amanda, al and jensen came - so did sharon and cindy - yet i longed for there to be two more chairs. you would have been so proud; i would have hugged you so tightly and thanked you over and over until the lights turned out and we were the last ones to leave. all eyes on you two, the givers of this ever-growing and ever-soaring life.

i'm healthier now. my depression episodes are few and far between and far less intense, i moved to toronto, my friends are incredible, i always have a place mat set for me every holiday and i finally found my place in this world work wise. you would love the organization i work for; they care about me more than any other place has and show me this in so many different ways. i wish you could meet the people i work with and wish more than anything that they could meet you. they'd love you instantly; everyone did.

they say that the grief process gets easier with time, but i don't know that it does. while i don't feel crippled by it like i did during the first few months following your death, the time between hearing your voice gets further and further away, and THAT is what i find the hardest.

i sent you a text once telling you how much i missed you, mom. alliston felt so far away that night. your response? "i'm always with you, paula. just close your eyes"

well, i am closing my eyes a little tighter tonight. miss you both so very much. xoxo