it's not like people who wrestle with suicidal ideations want to die. though i have never went as far as penning a goodbye letter or planning how i'd follow through with it, i've definitely wrestled with thinking about how freeing it would be to not have to fight this battle anymore.

now don't go calling 911 on me. my older (and very ex) sister did that to me once (without being a part of my life outside of social media) and it pissed me off a great deal. in fact, it was the most humiliating night of my life. maybe, just maybe had i have been suicidal, i would have come to appreciate her 'concern' one day, but i wasn't. in fact, the night the cops busted down my door, i was sitting at home eating kale and tilapia, a meal that no one in their right mind would choose as their last one, and one that someone would only choose to suffer through if they were trying to prolong their life, not end it.

so don't call 911. i am not suicidal; i'm merely trying to glean from my experience and shed light on the 'issue' during a week where people are talking about it more than ever. so, without further ado ...

taking your own life isn't cowardly or selfish.

in a weird way, you are actually thinking of others when you think these thoughts. you feel like a burden to your loved ones and are tricked into believing that they would be better off without you. of course, this isn't true and being left to grieve a loved one is traumatic (and i can imagine even more so when you're left to grieve someone who 'chose' to die. tack a few layers of regret and guilt on there while you're at it and you have yourself quite the lifelong battle yourself.

wanting to take your life isn't a normal response to pain and/or circumstance.

if you're feeling this way, you are loved and brave! i beg you to reach out and tell someone safe. you may need to see a doctor and/or a counsellor (and there is no shame in that!)

and lastly, there is always hope.

knowing what this battle can look like firsthand, i feel extremely sad when i hear that someone took their own life, because, even though the battle is extremely difficult and finding the right help can be scary, costly and exhausting, i cling to hope and believe that if we can just hang on a little bit longer, as hard as it may seem, the darkness will go back to its rightful place. my God, the light will always break through.

of course, this is what it's been like for me each time and this time is no exception. as you would know from reading my previous blogs, i've spent the past few weeks 'wasting' a lot of time sleeping. i mustered up enough energy to scrape myself out of bed when i could, pushed through my 'worst case scenerios' and showed up where i needed to, begged God to take away this thorn in my flesh, cried A LOT, took care of myself by booking a counselling appointment and the like, and i am finally starting to feel better. the cloud has lifted and i am able to breathe again!

so ... to you who are battling your own dark battle at the moment, i see you, have hope for you and believe the light will shine through, and to you, the one (of many) who is grappling with a loved ones death due to suicide, i'm so sorry; i feel for you and see you, too.

"when hard pressed, i cried to the Lord; he brought me into a spacious place" [psalm 118:5]