there have been times where a circumstance has lead me into depression; take the loss of an important job or friendship, or the death of my mom and dad for example. in some ways, these bouts are easier to deal with because you can pinpoint the source and figure out the 'why'. in cases like these, you 'simply' do what you need to do to get through and hope to God that you're able to muster up enough energy to crawl your way out of the suffocating darkness.

but then there are times where you have NO IDEA WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON. you notice a change in your mood and very slowly (and sometimes very rapidly) spiral out of control until you find yourself sleeping the days away. sometimes, that's the only thing you can do to shut your mind off and stop the torment.

the hardest part is, it just doesn't makes sense, so imagine how hard it is to be able to articulate what you're feeling and thinking to others. you can't. (and even if you could, they may think you're crazy, or ungrateful, or not taking care of yourself. or, or, or.)

but the truth is, you, more than anyone else you know, want this exhausting battle to end. you, more than anyone else, want peace of mind and will do anything to get it, so advice isn't necessarily the best way to help someone in a time like this.

but presence is. just having someone sit with you (sometimes in silence, sometimes not) speaks volumes and makes you feel less alone. like i said to my friend the other day, even though you want nothing more than to be alone (shame playing a big factor in this), you need to be around people. presence is healing.

knowing this, i got out of bed today and surrounded myself with people at our staff's spiritual retreat. i spent some time alone by a pond, watched beautiful, bright fish swim about aimlessly (i feel like this at times), did some much needed reflection, had a few great conversations and learned a lot about horses. even related to them believe it or not.

right before we went into the horse pit (not sure what else to call it), my new friends john and gabby informed us of how vulnerable and cautious horses are. being prey, they tend to run away when they feel unsafe, but once trust is earned, they're full of love and affection and being around them is oddly healing.

i couldn't help but draw a parallel between their behaviour and my own as i listened to these new and intriguing horse facts. truth be told, i, too, tend to run away when i feel even a tad bit unsafe and/or sense any hint of rejection. i'm quick to build walls around my heart and put my guard up. leave before someone else does. run away in the name of adventure - you name it - but like i was reminded of today through a big and strong but hesitant animal, although being cautious isn't necessarily a bad thing and guarding your heart (the wellspring of life!) to some degree is important and wise, the cost of being too cautious and/or running away when you're full of fear may be too great. because, well, at the end of the day, your heart may have been hurt in the past, but maybe, just maybe, the people in your life now will play a part in its healing.