"somewhere along the line, someone has handed you a bat and you've been beating yourself with it ever since", she said to me over the phone. "and i want to help you put down the bat."

not only was my friend smart enough to use my favourite sport as an analogy, but she was right; somewhere along the way, i've learned to be super hard on myself.

anyone else with me?

you react poorly and hide. say something dumb and replay it over and over. experience deep emotion and feel abnormal and ashamed.

the thing is, i don't know how not to replay stuff i've said, react poorly at times and hide, or how not to feel deeply, but i tell you, i so badly want to know how not to.

the word i've adopted for 2020 is 'reset'; to set, adjust, or fix in a new or different way:, because frankly, holding this bat hasn't got me anywhere, and neither have some of my thinking patterns, namely, and especially, when it pertains to my self-worth.

i hide it well, but i battle self-hate on more days than not.

i wrestle with the world's view of beauty and find myself hideous, unattractive and unworthy of love.

i hate that i feel so much and loathe my blood boiling temper.

i dislike my ability to zoom in on what's going wrong instead of what's going right.

i disapprove of the way i react to certain things and the fact that i'm prone to withhold love when i feel rejected, and the list goes on.

and so this year, i've decided to put down the bat and pick up a shovel; to dig through what needs to be dug through and heal. to discern when i need to process and sit in my pain and when to chuck the shovel across the yard and find a new yard. this year, i'm being intentional about using my stubborn, innate ability to be hard on myself for good and for growth and learn to love myself the way i ought to.

who's with me?