i saw a post the other day that said that canada has four seasons: spring, dollar drink days, fall (pumpkin spice lattes what up!) and roll up the rim (HA), while others say that canada only has two: winter and construction.

i'd have to agree with the latter. at least every time i'm bussing down eglinton and my normal 20 minute route turns into a whopping 35.

but here's the thing, though construction can be messy and annoying, it has its benefits - building things that need to be built and fixing things that need to be fixed.

kind of like my heart.

i'm going to get really vulnerable here.

i wrote a blog the other day about my anger problem, or my hot-headedness, if you will, and how i had planned on working through it, starting with what i've stored up in my heart.

i'll have you know, i was serious about putting in the work.

in fact, that very day i asked the Lord why i was so angry, and i believe he answered me using four words/phrases: unforgiveness, unfulfilled desires, unmet expectations, and unprocessed grief.

one, unforgiveness.

i began to write a list of people who i believe i need to forgive, all of which are related to (my perception of) being abandoned, neglected and/or backstabbed. truthfully, i didn't get any further than this. i wrote down names and closed my journal. i mean, how does one forgive such deep hurt any way? by praying? releasing the hurt aloud? reminding myself of what Christ did on the cross for me and the grace that has been extended to me since (and still is)? i don't know. all i know is that he is working in me and propelling me to forgive. construction.

two, unfulfilled desires.

no matter how much i try and convince you, i've always wanted a family of my own. a hot husband. at least three little paulas running around (scary). a mother-in-law. (perhaps even scarier.) (please note: i also want peace and quiet, the ability to go to a coffee shop and read a book whenever the heck i feel like it and the freedom to travel as i see fit.) but in all seriousness, no matter how indifferent i act all of the time, i feel really angry that i don't have a family of my own, and have a hard time trusting that i ever will. construction.

three, unmet expectations.

this will always be a killer for me relationally, and i believe is somewhat tied to the season i am in and the void i feel due to the above. i have a hard time navigating through my expectations of people sometimes, figuring out what is realistic, what i can or can't ask of my friends, whether i'm putting unnecessary pressure on them to be something that they can't, and how and where the community we are called to in scripture comes into play here. the conflict i feel in regards to this is hands down my biggest frustration in life, but like i said the other day, what we've always known doesn't have to be what we always know. i'm under construction.

and lastly, unprocessed grief.

i don't even know what this means, really. i thought i was doing okay at processing the death of my parents, but then again, how can one measure success in this area? loss is without a timeline, grief knows no bounds, and well, i'm at a loss of how to do this 'properly'. (i have an appointment with my counsellor next week to try and figure this out.) all i know is that while i am super happy for all of my friends who still have their parents, i'm really pissed that i don't have either one. (how's that for honesty?) con-freakin-struction.

but, like i said at the beginning of this blog, temporary construction benefits the permanent, and i'm working on fixing and building my way to a smoother road.

under construction? take heart. "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (philippians 1:6)