baby, it's cold inside.

no, really. my furnace is broken.

BUT i have a roof over my head, a duvet to sleep in, and thanks to my neighbours, a portable fire place thing-a-ma-bobber that is currently heating my front room.

i can't help but think of my friends on the streets in times like these. the cold is a lot more bearable with all of the above, and because i know that a handy man (hopefully a handsome handy man) will be here tomorrow between 8a.m and noon to fix it. my friends, you see, they don't have that luxury.

part of my role with project serve, youth unlimited is to come alongside great organizations in the GTA who are doing what they can to provide warmth, shelter, clothes and food to those who don't have access to these things otherwise. organizations like st felix centre, who open their doors to 300+ people a day and pump out over 9,000 meals/month. or st. francis table, who just recently hit the million dollar meal mark. not to mention the good shepherd or scott mission, who provide a warm bed for those who see themselves as in a season of transition or stuck in a cycle of poverty.

my team and i do what we can to support these organizations by providing them with the necessary volunteers thanks to the countless youth who sign up for one of our service project trips each year. we get to run pre-trip workshops, serve alongside the youth for weeks at a time and help them process what they're seeing, feeling and learning with the intent that they go back and serve in their own communities. it's a win-win, really. the youth walk away transformed and end up transforming our (their) city, organizations get the help that they need to run their programs effectively and i get to use my gifts and live my dream.

but i can't do it alone.

youth unlimited requires all of their staff to fund raise their salary, and thanks to many generous donors, i have raised enough to work twenty hours a week. would you consider helping me increase the amount of time i am able to work by supporting me $20/month (or any amount that your heart so desires) and/or by donating a one-time end of the year (and very tax receiptable) gift by copying and pasting the link below? (it won't let me add the link.) in doing so, you won't only be helping invest in the lives of countless young people, but you'll be helping "paula falla her calla' by doing what she cans to spread love to those who need it the most.

www.paulac.yugta.ca

i had this brilliant gift idea once. i convinced my siblings that we should go and get a professional picture done for my parents' christmas gift. we'd make an appointment, put on our best complementary outfits and let the camera man work his magic.

only his magic left me wishing he had cropped yours truly out. i had my hair down that day. the photographer asked me to tuck it behind my ears so i did, which in turn made me look like a big eared (insert anything that has big ears here.) i looked hideous. so you can imagine my excitement every christmas when my dad would wrap it like a present and hang it on the wall. it was the most wonderful time of the year after all.

and it still is (okay, okay, next to thanksgiving and baseball season) and i've been intentional about celebrating it more than any other year this year. so far i'm doing good; i've rocked an elf's sweater and had breakfast with santa, bought myself a week's worth of christmas socks, written close to 40 christmas cards, helped decorate a tree, bought some presents, belted out some christmas tunes, drank a few glasses of egg nog and a few christmas lattes, and as of today, wrapped the one picture i have hanging on my wall in my bedroom just like my dad used to do. in a small way, it helps me be intentional about celebrating him, too.

next up: conquering my mom's butterball cookie recipe.

i took my seventh pill this morning.

so far, i'm not experiencing any side effects, which i'm super happy about, and i'm about a week and a bit away from seeing if they're doing the trick (although it may take a little longer for me to see a difference due to the fact that i experience bouts of joy as a regular part of my life without them, too.)

that being said, medication doesn't give you joy or 'take your pain away'; it just helps lift the fog long enough for you to be able to see and think more clearly.

of course, other things help, too: like sitting near a window or going for a walk. eating fruits and vegetables. praying. journalling. seeing a counselor. doing things that bring you life. surrounding yourself with good people or sleeping on a friend's couch (all of which i have been doing the past week in addition to swallowing a pill each day.) for me, one side of the equation isn't effective without the other. for you, it may look different. but either way, i'm certain of one thing as i type this: life (and life to its full) is worth fighting for and tomorrow needs you. tomorrow needs us.

"my name's dean, and i'm an alcoholic", he said. only we weren't at an AA meeting, we were hanging out in dundas square.

my students had met him during an activity and ended up inviting him to our community dinner in regent park that night. dean wanted to go, but he needed help getting there.

ashamedly, i felt annoyed at first. i calculated how long it would take for me to walk him there (he was pretty intoxicated), and how having to do so prevented me from being able to spend more time with my team before they headed back to peterborough that night.

but dean, you see, he blessed my heart. he was so honest. raw. funny. outgoing and caring. there wasn't a person we passed on the street that didn't get a sincere hello, or an (attempted) handshake. he made me smile, and he reminded me of a love that is most pure - God's love - as he so confidently quoted john 3:16 in between his countless "i'm sorry i'm so drunk" apologies. ironically, both go hand in hand; God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, and nothing - not even one too many beers - can separate us from His love. dean, in his drunken state, ministered to me. (this, as i've quickly learned, is as common as you allow it to be.)

we ended up making it to regent park faster than i thought we would thanks to a friend's bus pass. there, dean changed into the new outfit we were able to find him before sitting down for a meal. he looked really sharp and happy (which in turn, made me happy.)

but my favourite part? my favourite part was when he made his way up to the front of the church after dinner and asked my friend if she could play 'jesus loves me' on the piano. she did, of course, and he cried. he hadn't heard it since he was five, he said. but he believed it. in fact, he was preaching it long before my friend even played a note.

little did i know at the time, i would need this reminder more than anything myself this week.

as a few of you know, i've been battling deep bouts of depression on and off since june, and with these episodes come a lot of self-hate and guilt. i can't explain why this is or how fast i spiral, either. on a good day, i think i'm funny and kind and supportive, but this illness, you see, makes me feel anything but. unlovable and worthless. like i don't matter and as if people's lives would be easier and better off without me.

i realize how insane this sounds. i find myself cringing even as i write this. but that's mental illness for you. the darkness envelops you.

so on monday, after being crippled by one too many dark days, i decided to look into getting some meds. i mustered up enough energy and courage to walk into the doctor's office across the street and admit that i'm sick. admitting is the hardest part, i find. but i have 300mg (10mg/day) of fluoxetine to prove that i did it, and i am now two pills in and a week and a half from them (hopefully - fingers crossed) starting to kick in.

yesterday was tough, but today was better. i suspect life will look like this for a while. but i'm one step closer to feeling like myself again, and that's enough to make me keep going. of course, other things help, too. like a phone call from a friend, a hug from another, or, as like i mentioned at the beginning of this blog, the greatest reminder from my new friend, dean: God loves me, mental illness and all, and He loves you, too.

i ate 15 oreos for dinner last week. fif-teen.

i was having a bad couple of days and found myself unsuccessfully wrestling through a lot of internal conflict, which led to my usual mood swings, which led to me hibernating for a few days.

i decided to come out of my room to make dinner one night only to realize that my housemate was having people over in less than half an hour. she invited me to join them, but as mentioned above, i was hella moody and anti-social, so i opted for the only accessible thing i could find at the time to feed my mood and satisfy my hunger: a bag of double stuffed oreos with a side of netflix. (i certainly do want you to 'continue playing', thank you very much.)

of course, if you've ever (double) stuffed your face, or used any unhealthy coping mechanism, you know exactly what comes next: guilt and/or disgust, on top of whatever you were feeling before you ate/drank/did drugs/binged your favourite show etc., and that's exactly what i felt that night as i sat there staring at the empty rows of cookies in disgust.

but here's the thing; the eating contest i had with myself didn't make any of my 'stuff' go away; it kept reappearing and will continue to until i stop stuffing it (and stuffing my face) and start dealing with my insecurity and low self esteem at its root.

the truth is, most of the time i feel ugly, fat and undesirable. unsuccessful and alone. moody and irritable. disconnected and lost.

sure, i can chalk some of this up to losing my parents (lost and disconnected), me not being married or having kids (undesirable and alone), or me only being able to work twenty hours a week (and going crazy the rest of the time), but i can't figure it out otherwise.

but what i do know is that temporary fixes are exactly that: temporary; they may make you feel good in the moment (at least up until your fourth cookie), but they don't help you in the long run.

what will help us in the long run, however, is finding the root cause of our pain, working through it and moving towards healing.

for you, that may look like facing past abuse and working through the trauma attached to it or forgiving yourself for a past mistake or someone else for theirs. maybe it looks like facing your family's history with addiction and working through it with a counselor, or maybe just maybe, it's as 'simple' as looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you are valuable until you start to believe it yourself.

for me, it looks like removing myself from most social media outlets for a while and spending the time i'd usually waste (scrolling and comparing) on something productive like worrying about my own life. it also looks like seeing my wonderful counselor regularly, bringing my insecurities to the light and most importantly, reminding myself of the Lord's unfailing love for me - His secure, sufficient love - and putting the oreos down long enough to rest in it.

i'm sitting at a table in my old stomping grounds, mcdonalds, pluggling away on this week's to-do-list. it's been great being able to chat with some of my old crew and regulars here and there, periodic breaks that the A.D.D in me welcomes with open arms.

most of the people who have been excited to see me haven't surprised me - i spent a considerable amount of time investing into this place (and it in me) - but one customer in particular made me remember just how much of a long lasting difference we can make in someone else's life without even knowing it, and in the simplest of ways.

"you know, paula" he said, "the people here are good, but every once in a while you run into someone who is exceptional, and that person is you. we miss you here. i miss being able to see you when i'm having a bad day."

"gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones" (proverbs 16:24), and whether here, at work, or by text, i have been a recipient of many of these the past few days, proving that a word of life begets ... life.

speaking of life (how's that for a segue?), with the exception of instagram (it's the only thing i have in terms of a photo album), i took myself off of social media for a bit (maybe permanently.) it's a scary thing feeling disconnected, but i can tell you that the past few days have been incredibly freeing. my 'screen time' has not only decreased (thanks for keeping track, apple), but i've been able to focus on 'watering my own lawn' instead of being made to believe that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence (although my neighbours, pete and jackie, are much better at taking care of their lawn than i am.)

i got out of bed yesterday after a few days of feeling defeated by depression, headed to work, crossed a lot off of my to-do list and had a few life-giving conversations with some of my friends from work. i came home feeling happy for the first time in a few days, made a delicious dinner (cooking makes me come alive), locked myself in my room and started working on (and tweaking) the devotions i'm responsible for at work tomorrow, and a sermon i feel honoured to preach at one of my favourite churches in mississauga on sunday.

and here i am, on day two of getting out of bed and getting out of the house and getting things done, because of God's strength and grace, yes, but also because yesterday's life-giving day gave me the momentum i needed for today.

by the same token, i'm certain that the kind words from my particular customer today will give me momentum i need for tomorrow, too, because, well, life begets life.

i bought a new pair of shoes in europe but i've yet to walk a mile in them. the truth is, you haven't, either.

the same can be said about life, can't it? we really don't know what anyone else has walked through, nor can we understand, really. so why do we pretend to have all of the answers when someone tries to open up? truth be told, an untimely, apathetic-esque word can do more damage than good, even if spoken with the best of intention.

this happened to me this week, actually. heck, maybe it even happened to you.

i struggle with being so open online. it's safer for me to pound out my feelings on this blog because i have no idea who's reading it or what they're (you're) thinking about me as they (you) do.

that, and i don't know what else to do with this inner conflict and chaos.

the "i have so many things to be thankful for" VS the all consuming lack that i feel ever since the loss of my parents and because i'm 38 and don't have a family or constant support system of my own.

or the "jesus is all sufficient" line that people feed me while leaning on their spouse or family for support VS the bible being very clear that community and relationship is at the very heart of the God i believe in and serve.

or the "don't make anyone a priority if they only make you an option" quote i ponder VS "the stay true to who you are and keep investing in people" battle i wrestle with most of the time.

and the list goes on. (it always does.)

i told the Lord the other day how tired i was of the mental battle i have to endure, the weariness that comes with it, and the not so subtle bi-polar mood swings. the really high highs and the really low lows. (the worst part is, i thought i was getting better.)

i do what i can to get through each episode, though. some days, this looks like scraping myself out of bed, putting my laundry away and mustering up enough energy to go to the store and get groceries like it did this week, and other times, it means taking a bus downtown and pounding out a blog in a coffee shop before heading to church in hopes to meet my Healer there. either way, i have to keep going. either way, so do you.