updates & tings.

1) i quit my job.

without going into too much detail, this is something i had been contemplating for months now. it wasn't a good fit, the commute was killing me, and it was a toxic environment for ME to work in, so after a series of events last week, i made a choice. a choice that doesn't benefit me financially obviously, but benefits my health, and well, mental health > money.

truthfully though, i feel a little lost. everything i've worked for in life has seemingly fallen apart [mainly my career and friendships] and i can't figure out why, which is discouraging in itself.

on top of that, i just moved to brampton and have no idea why. i've lived here before, but in an odd way it still feels foreign to me.

BUT feeling lost isn't always a bad thing, is it? i mean, how i feel today isn't permanent, and fresh starts can be good, and ... fresh, right?

and so i keep moving forward and trusting that God will 'guide me along the BEST pathway for my life" [psalm 32:8], while doing my part to make the most of every day and every opportunity he brings my way. we don't get to choose our lot in life, but we do get to choose what we do with it.

2) it takes next to nothing to make someone's day.

sometimes, i sit on my lovely sun-lit couch at home and get my work done, and others, i 'rent' second cup's wifi with a purchase of a tea, or my absolute fave, a caramel coretto. today would fit into the latter category, and am i ever glad i made the trek here this morning.

the barista lit up as i approached the counter, and said, "hi sweetheart! nice to see you!". i have no idea if she remembered me from months a go, or if she thought i was someone else, but i didn't care; i walked away feeling like a million bucks. [for all of my customer service peeps, never underestimate your ability to light up even the weariest of souls]. small things can make a big difference.

3) sex-ed for the win.

easy for me to say since i don't have children, but from what i've read, i'm all for the new sex ed curriculum. it's informative, and from what i can see, could play a huge role in preventing and/or stopping sexual abuse. teaching students in grade one about body parts, and the right to privacy is key, and informing them that there are different family structures [because there are whether you like it or not] is inclusive. of course there are other issues floating around, like people not wanting their children to know certain positions and the like, but wouldn't you rather have your kids learn these things from a teacher [who we would assume wants the best for your kids also] than from a peer? i don't know; i could be opening a can of worms here. take it or leave it.

either way, parents, the discussions that you have around your table [and the way in which you live your life] will have far more bearing on your child's life than any 60 minute class ever will.

paula out.

sometimes, you have to take the first step alone.

a few people backed out of operation hydration this week, and another this morning, leaving three of us to hand out water. i filled my bag with bottles and made my way to the GO station to catch the bus downtown. ten minutes into the ride, however, the bus driver came over the loud speaker and announced that the highway was closed and that we would be rerouted to port credit to take the train. knowing that this would put me behind schedule by almost an hour, i contacted the ladies that were participating to fill them in. sadly, and understandably, they were no longer able to participate due to the time delay. so that left ... me, myself, and i.

truthfully, i was disappointed, and a little discouraged at first. this was supposed to be my 'big break', you know? the beginning of my dream!

but then i looked down and noticed the bag full of water bottles sitting at my feet and it hit me. the show must go on. after all, i spent some time praying this morning that God would lead 'us' to those who needed water and some love today, and even though the 'us' part was taken out of the equation, those i spent time praying for weren't, and neither was God.

so instead of turning around and heading back home to sulk, i got on the train and decided to continue with the mission i set out to do, and here's what i learned along the way:

1) roadblocks are inevitable.

ask anyone who you deem successful and they'll tell you the same thing. every president. CEO. any ball player. your favourite author. you name it. anyone who has ever started something can tell you story after story about things they had to overcome to get where they are today.

the same can be said about you, and the same can be said about me.

i wouldn't be fit for this if i let a little inconvenient detour stop me from doing what i set out to do in the first place.

the truth is, roadblocks can stop you and force you to give up, or they can pave the way for comebacks. the choice was mine today, and the choice will be yours next time you face one.

2) as a leader, you can't just talk the talk; you must walk the walk.

i set out to do things like this for three reasons: one, to help people. two, to teach others that we're no different than the ones we isolate, exclude, look down on, and judge, and that everyone has a story, and three, to assure people that they alone can make a difference by showing them how simple it actually is to meet someone else's need.

i could have easily turned around and went back home after i found out that no one else could make it, and quite frankly, i thought about it, but then my words would have no backing; i can't walk around teaching people that one person can make a difference, and refuse to make one myself when no one else shows up.

3) you can't give away what you don't have.

i had just finished handing out a couple of bottles of water to two funny dudes who were chugging back their tall boys on the street corner [that's a whole other blog on its own], and realized that it had been hours since i had drank anything myself. i was thirsty, and the heat was getting to me, so i drank my last bottle of water. now, before you get all judgey judgey on me, there's a valuable lesson to be learned in even this: you can't take care of others if you don't take care of ... you.

[operation hydration 2 deets coming soon].

sometimes, you just have to take the first step.

i've been sitting on a dream of mine for nearly half of a decade now [that sounds more dramatic than 'for five years'] and have recently decided that now is as good of a time as any to get crackin on making it happen.

my dream job? to bridge the gap between two overlooked people groups [youth and the poor] through eye opening experiences, practical teaching, and personal reflection.

i remember the exact conversation that opened my eyes to see that my dream was not only possible, but meaningful.

i may have shared this before, but i was hanging out with some of my friends in a soup kitchen one day when i noticed that one of my street friends had a tattoo on his neck. curious about it, i asked him what it signified.

"this is the date my wife was born, and this one" he said as he choked up, "is the date she passed away".

he then began to tell me and one of the youth i was with about the day his whole life changed forever.

he, like many others, found comfort in a bottle. and another. and another. until his very life consisted of making trips to the local beer store in attempt to numb his unimaginable pain. before he knew it, he lost his job, his kids, and lastly, his house, causing him to become 'just another' invisible fixture on the city's cold and lonely sidewalk.

i obviously felt his pain [who wouldn't?], but having my dad still around at the time, i didn't understand grief the way i do now. but ashlea did. and i sat there in awe as i watched a 15 year old girl from wichita, kansas connect with a 40 some odd year old toronto man over the loss of a loved one.

that was a defining moment for me; a moment where my dream of bridging the gap between what would appear to be two unlikely people groups became realistic for me; realistic because i just watched a connection happen right before my very eyes.

so here i am, 'half a decade later' taking a step towards creating my dream job, and putting my gifts, passions, and experience, to use.

mark my word. one day, i will have a place downtown toronto where youth [and whoever wants to, really] can come and stay the week or weekend, learn about homelessness and other social issues in the city, hear real-life stories that break down the pre-conceived ideas they [we] have about those on the margins of society, challenge the barriers of judgement that we have so easily built around our hearts, and have the opportunity to actually serve at local soup kitchens and homeless shelters and the like.

but for now, i will hand out water.

after all, every dream begins with a single step.

will you join me?

operation hydration. this saturday. downtown toronto. 1-3ish. get at me for deets.

1) some days, i wonder if my friends realize how fortunate they are to have me in their life [or why it's so hard for them to express that at times], and other times, i convince myself that no one would notice if i disappeared tomorrow.

your mind [and emotions] can play tricks on you. do your utmost to guard both.

2) i wish that people could empathize with me, or at the very least, sympathize with my pain sometimes instead of writing it off and spewing nonsense [not directed at anyone specific]. at the end of the day, if you always respond to my heart [pain] with your head [logic], i'm most likely going to stop sharing it with you. [again, not directed at anyone specific].

logic has its place, but empathy trumps all.

then again, maybe it's time that i stop expecting people to respond to me the way i need them to, and start finding comfort from the One who understands exactly what i go through each day, and can actually do something about it.

in 1 Samuel chapter one we are introduced to a man named elkanah [didn't they have baby name books back then?], who the bible says had two wives: peninnah [clearly they didn't], who had children, and hannah, who did not.

it goes on to tell us in verses 6 and 7 that miss 'i have a really ugly name' provoked hannah [and kept provoking her] for years in order to irritate her. so not only was hannah dealing with an unmet desire of being a mom [something i can empathize with at age 35], she had this mean spirited and jealous sister-wife making things more unbearable for her.

her response? "in her deep anguish hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly" [vs 10]. so much in fact, that eli the priest thought she was drunk:

VS13: "hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. eli thought she was drunk and said to her, “how long are you going to stay drunk? put away your wine.”

VS15: “not so, my lord,” hannah replied, “i am a woman who is deeply troubled. i have not been drinking wine or beer; i was pouring out my soul to the Lord. do not take your servant for a wicked woman; i have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."

i have read and meditated on this passage of scripture for over a month now, and can acknowledge that hannah's 'coping mechanism' was indeed healthy and most beneficial, yet i find it exceptionally hard to put it into practice myself.

instead of 'pouring out my soul to the Lord', i drown myself in episode after episode of the next best thing on netflix, devour a bag of chips [the only time i'm glad the bag is half full of air], or try and spill my heart to a friend who isn't going to respond the way i want them to any ways, because, well, they're different, and their perspective is different.

the world will tell you that alcohol, drugs, food, netflix, relationships and the like will bring you the most comfort in life, and while i can attest to the fact that these things [or whatever your personal coping mechanism is] will indeed bring you comfort for a period of time, i'm starting to believe that hannah was on to something.

thoughts?

apartment hunting can teach you a lot about life.

1) things are not always as they seem or appear.

you'd be surprised at how many pictures and ads don't actually match what is actually being offered. take the one house i looked at this past week, for example. the ad said that a fully furnished bedroom was available in a huge house. fact: the house was small, really small, and the room was indeed furnished if they consider a desk and a bar fridge suitable for sleeping on.

i don't get it? why pretend that you have something to offer other than what you, well, have to offer?

let me take this a step further and ask why it is we feel we need to pretend we're someone we're not, or pretend we're okay when we're dying on the inside? [things just got deep, y'all]. whether you're looking at an apartment, at the people in your life, or even in the mirror, the truth eventually comes out. be real. be honest.

2) life has a funny way of working itself out.

i felt an incredible amount of pressure the past week when it came to finding the 'right' place to live. so much in fact, that i think i chose the wrong one.

i accepted a basement apartment out of my price range [i mean, it was doable, but i would have had to sacrifice my McDonald's coffee every morning, among other things] because i needed a place to live and felt i have to make a quick decision. i started to feel unsettled about it half-way through packing, only to feel even more unsettled about my decision after my new landlord called me five times that day, changing his mind about things we previously talked about and things he had promised me. after the sixth call, which happened to be at 9:30p.m., i opted out, and the minute i hung up, i felt the peace i was looking for.

but now what?, i wondered.

today, i found my ' now what'; a perfectly located, and much cheaper, attic apartment in a peaceful cottage-like home.

now, i may be jumping the gun here, as my hopefully new landlord still needs to call my references, but i have much confidence in my ability to choose only the best references, and am just as confident that i convinced them that i would be a great tenant in the few minutes that i had to do so, but you never know.

3) we are not meant to do life alone.

i'm extremely thankful for my friend who brought me boxes and packing tape, for another who offered her home, and another, her couch. i'm grateful for all of the 'check-in' texts and e-mails, and the friends who picked up the phone when i was feeling overwhelmed on the other end. i'm not sure what i would do without the friends who came with me to check out my potential new home, and gave me insight as to whether or not it was a good fit, and whether or not they saw any red flags [since i only see white and gold ones ;)]. and i'm most certainly thankful for a God who continuously guides me along the BEST pathway for my life. [psalm 32:8 NLT].

we're not meant to do this thing alone; we're better together.

on Christ the solid rock i stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

i've sung that hymn on more than one occasion, but every once in a while, its meaning rings even truer in my heart, and echoes even more loudly in my life.

due do a recent death in my roommate's family, i've been asked to move out to make way for one of his family members to move in. now, never in a million years would i even compare the two losses; one being the tragic loss of his nephew, and the other being the place i've called home for the past two years, but both losses got me thinking about one profound truth:

nothing, absolutely nothing, is certain in life except Christ.

no job or position is guaranteed, people come and go, and material things - even apple products - can let us down. but God? God is constant. sure. unfailing.

i was feeling overwhelmed [and a tad bit lost] about my upcoming transition when i woke up this morning [and all day yesterday, too, if i'm being honest] and found myself filling my journal with relevant scripture today before work.

scripture like isaiah 26:3, which promises me perfect peace when i keep my mind focussed on God [the giver of peace], and continue to trust in Him.

or one of my more recent favourites, psalm 32:8, which reminds me that God will guide me along the BEST pathway for my life, which includes, but isn't limited to, the 'best' place to live.

when doubt comes crashing in, i can cling to Christ and His word.

when change surrounds me, and things feel uncertain, i can keep my eyes on 'hymn'.

1) sometimes, the best way to overcome something is to be proactive.

confession: i get really upset and/or irritated when people cancel on me or change plans, in fact, my perspective is quite black and white when it comes to this: if you cancel, especially more than once, i consider you unreliable, and can't help but take it personally.

sure, i have an imaginary box full of acceptable excuses [you or your children are sick, you have to work, something tragic happened etc], but outside of that is ... well, i'll call it like it is, unacceptable, and even inconsiderate at times.

lucky for you, i have since 'chilled out', as two of my closest friends have suggested at one time or another, and have worked hard at not taking such things personally. the reality is, things happen, other things come up, and plans change.

there have been many things that have aided my new way of responding to cancellations, but my biggest tool in overcoming this has been to always have a plan 'B', that way i'm not 'losing' anything, or wasting time wondering why plan 'A' fell through.

for example, say i have plans on tuesday night after work and some time between then and now, my friend cancels. as dramatic as this may sound, the old me would be so disappointed that i would sit at home all night and sulk, but the new and improved and proactive paula would have already made secondary plans [go to the gym, read, blog, catch up on sleep or suits - hello, harvey specter], and will spend the night following through with those instead.

sometimes, conquering something is as 'simple' as recognizing a pattern in our lives, and being proactive with it.

2) don't worry, be happy.

i was on my way to work the other day and found myself stressing about all i had to get done the next day. a few friends needed my help, and though i committed to helping one of them first, i wanted nothing less than to be able to help them both. in my mind though, none of it was coming together timing wise, and i felt torn, and stressed.

all of a sudden, i 'hear' a still small voice inside me saying,

"don't let tomorrow's worries steal today's peace"

and with that, i took a deep breath, prayed a quick prayer, and went about my day; perhaps some of you need to do the same thing today.

[in case you were wondering, the next day worked out just fine].