Thursday, December 31, 2015

things i learned in 2015:

biking to toronto takes a lot longer than taking the train, but is far more beneficial.
growth is a slow and painful process, but the outcome is worth it.
though painful at times, change is inevitable, and good for you.
jumping out of a perfectly good airplane is exhilarating.
you cant force someone to love you, or stick by you.
baseball has the ability to unite a whole city.
i spend most of my time in coffee shops.
there's nothing like a good bat flip.

things i'm still learning as i make my way into 2016:

you can't expect things from people who are incapable of giving, unwilling to give, or simply cannot give.
your own health [physical, mental, emotional and spiritual] should take priority over others.
the way people treat you has less to do with you, and more to do with them.
cancer has the ability to steer you off course if you let it.
support can come from the most unlikely of places.

things i expect this year:

i expect to move forward; to keep building my dream/non profit/ministry, to hand out a butt load of water bottles during operation hydration, to love harder, complain less, and read more.

above all else, i vow to to never stop learning, to never stop growing, and to always strive to be a better me.

happy new year, everyone.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

i warn you, this is going to be the most raw [and most random] blog i have ever written; a blog that contains #nofilter [and bad grammar].

i'm really pissed off. like destructively pissed off. and by destructive, i don't mean hurting myself [let's be serious - i would have done so a long time a go if i wasn't so chicken] or hurting anyone else intentionally; by destructive i mean packing a knapsack and disappearing forever, without a trace, because, well, i'd rather be alone and know why i'm alone than lay in bed at night and wonder why.

everyone in my family has someone to lean on through this, but i don't. not to that extent any ways. you know, someone who's obligated to be there for me, and sit with me when i feel at an all time low, like i do now. someone who gets me [though i am starting to realize that no one really does]. someone who can just sit with me and not expect me to entertain them, or even talk when i don't have the energy to. someone i'm comfortable enough to cry in front of, and who can hold me as i do.

this week was deeply traumatic for me. my life crumbled beneath me when i got a phone call on monday afternoon telling me that the doctors needed us all to come in and say goodbye to my mom, who, to my knowledge, was doing well half an hour before when i checked in on her. the next seven hours were the scariest hours of my life. i paced around the house, pleading with God to allow my mom to stay alive until i got there, praying that someone would pick up their phone and make that moment feel less scary and less lonely for me, all the while dropping f bombs, because, let's face it, sometimes dropping an f bomb is the most therapeutic thing one can do.

i was relieved [and so very thankful] when i got to the hospital and saw my mom sitting up and smiling. i know God heard my prayer [and my f bombs, and still loves me the same].

yet, it was a week of ups and downs. one day, mom was fine, and the next, not so much.

on top of this, i feel like an outcast in my own family, and didn't find much support from them while i was there, in fact, the complete opposite was true. [out of respect for them, i'll keep the detail to myself; i realize we're all dealing with the stress of this in our own way].

one night, when my mom was up talking about us, she said, "adam's really good at computers, amanda's really good at making cakes, and paula, i'm not so sure what she's good at". i cant stop thinking about those words; they've been replaying in my mind like a broken record ever since.

i'm all alone in life.

my mom doesn't know what i'm good at.

she's dying, my dad's gone, and i'm really pissed off about both.

i'm pissed off that God designed me with such a desire to have a family of my own, and yet i'm alone and barren at 35, and everyone else in my life has a spouse, or a boyfriend, and most of them, kids.

i'm angry that i was created an emotional being, that i battle depression and anxiety, and that, although i've been able to conquer my mental illness day to day, situations like this send me on a downward spiral.

and lastly, i'm mad that most of my closest friends are absent and think it's suffice to text me to let me know they've been 'too busy' to text me, when i have done nothing but show up for them when they've needed me to.

or maybe, just maybe, all of the anger i feel is misplaced. who knows.

but what i do know is that i'm not doing very well these days, and plan on spending the day with my reliable buddies, netflix and shuteye.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

sorry, forrest, i love chocolate and all, but to me, life is more like ... a good game of snakes and ladders.

you see, you gotta take life one square at a time. sometimes, the dice work in your favour, and sometimes, they don't. either way, you gotta keep going, and keep moving on up.

there are days when you'll land on a snake, and end up back at square one. [no pun intended]. a breakup. demotion. reoccurring sickness. you name it. all you know is that you were ahead, and now you're behind.

of course there are days where your life meets a ladder, too. an engagement. promotion. inheritance. whatever. you have no idea how you gained so much ground, but you're happy you did.

but either way, life happens one step - or one roll - at a time.

most of you have been following my family and i's journey with cancer.

this morning, my mom went into her long awaited appointment to look into getting a permanent drain put in, and walked out having to temporarily admit herself into the hospital due to her lungs needing to be tapped. my sister's phone died, but last i heard, they drained two litres of fluid from her lungs and were proceeding with her all too familiar abdomen draining procedure next. i don't know much at this point, none of us do, but one thing i do know is this: even the most seemingly long and confusing snakes can't stop us from playing the game. pass the dice, please.

update: they drained my mom's abdomen and set her up to be drained three times a week through homecare. she's at home resting now, and will continue to do so until we get her multiple xray and test results back.

ps. please don't mistake my generally positive attitude as a sign of denial; i am fully aware of what is at stake here and have experienced many weak and heart wrenching moments along the way, too.