Wednesday, June 29, 2016

as mentioned in my previous post, i recently joined [more like]. granted, i'm only a week in, but things aren't going so hot. that is, unless you think i should date 50+ year olds. i seem to be a hit with them. [yes, them, as in multiple 50 year olds]. they seem to really like me.

so did one cute younger guy, actually. lucky for me, though, by the third email he told me that all he is looking for in a woman is 'tits and ass' [pardon the terminology]. i get it; we're sexual beings. i like men's bodies, too, but bodies don't last. bodies gets wrinkly, and old. so do tits and ass.

one guy favourited me. not gonna lie, i was pretty flattered. that is, until i read his profile and saw something about a green card. maybe i'd consider it if i were 40, but i still have a few years to go until then, and a heck of a lot more to go until i'm 50. sorry, fellas.

i met - or shall i say, reconnected with, a guy in chapters over a month a go. we spent half an hour catching up, exchanged numbers, and some physical contact. [relax, people. it was a hug - okay, maybe two hugs; i don't kiss in bookstores]. we sent a few texts that day and then he disappeared until two days a go when he found me on instagram, liked a few pics, and has called me a few times since. not sure what any of this means, or why he disappeared for a month, but i'll take in stride.

i mean, what else can one do, really? i guess i could consider changing my mind about those 50 year olds, rethink the green card option, or buckle down and send an email to 'chippedteeth' [who ironically smiled with his mouth closed], 'jesusismybestfriend777', or 'bigdaddyfp", all of which i hope don't find my blog lol.

stay tuned for more updates.

Monday, June 27, 2016

it's been said that there are seven stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining [this stage is more for those who are encountering a breakup, or the loss of a job etc., not the loss of a loved one due to death], guilt, depression, and acceptance.

the thing is, though, that unlike most systematic stages in life, there's no order to this one. in fact, the opposite is true. one minute you can be on stage three, and the next, back at stage one.

there are moments when, even nearly five months later, i find myself picking up the phone to call her; moments where i have a question that only she can answer. but then reality hits; no one is there to pick up the other end. no one but a loud, repetitive, dial tone. denial.

there are other moments where i find myself drenching my pillow with tears as i watch [and re watch] a video my sister sent me of my mom a month before she died, letting me know that she's "fine", followed by a typical, yet heartfelt, "love you. bye".

and there you have it. sadness. deep, deep sadness.

there are times when i feel really angry and get swallowed up by the unanswered 'whats ifs?', the'why me's?", and the unexplainable "why does so and so have two parents at age 65 and i lost both of mine at 36?". real talk. real anger.

thankfully, i had zero guilt/regrets when my mom died, but i attribute that to knowing that she was going to pass away and having time to process what that meant for her, and what that meant for me. something i can't say is true when my dad passed away. of course, it helps that i had all the time in the world to travel back and forth to ottawa to spend time with her throughout her sickness, time that i deeply valued then, and deeply value now.

and then there's the acceptance stage.

to me, accepting something used to be synonomous with being okay with it, but now i have a different perspective on it.

i'm not okay with my mom passing away, or my dad for that matter, but the fact of the matter is, whether i'm okay with it or not, it happened. whether i'm okay with it or not, i'm an orphan. that's right, the writer of this blog is parent-less at age 36.

i'm finally [and i use that work loosely] getting to the point where i am ready to turn my pain into purpose. i've been wracking my brain all week by trying to come up with a memorable tattoo idea in honour of my mom as well as trying to come up with an even more meaningful way of honouring her beautiful life.

on september 10th, my sister and i will be joining thousands of others on a 25km walk to raise money for the princess margaret cancer centre, a place that was very dear to my mom's heart, and a place i feel forever indebted to because of that. want to help us reach our goal? copy and paste the following link in your browser [i can't seem to make it work otherwise]:

until next time, friends.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

i turn into a child when i see an airplane; i get giddy at airports, excited when i board, feel a high when i take off [no pun intended], and a heck of a lot of adrenaline when i land. i was born to soar. literally, and figuratively.

after last week's mental breakdown, i feel like i've been given a second chance at life. i've revisited some goals, made some new ones, and made steps to achieve both. after all, it's been said that "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result". well, it's time to do things different.

1) a career change.

i left my full-time management role at a catering company downtown toronto when my mom got sick in exchange for a part-time serving gig here in brampton. this not only paid my bills, but opened up my schedule to travel back and forth to ottawa to visit my mom, and enabled me the time i needed [and need] to grieve after she passed away. it's been four months since she died, and even though i am nowhere near being 'okay' without her [is there even such a thing?], i do acknowledge the need to move forward.

and so i job search.

my love for planes, adventure, and hospitality is pushing me in the direction of becoming a flight attendant [something i have been thinking about for a while now], and my passion for youth and the poor is pushing me to continue building my non profit and doing what i can to break down the stigma attached to homelessness by educating youth about such a topic while encouraging them to give back to their communities. i believe that both of these worlds will collide for me as i passionately pursue both avenues.

2) meeting people at the steeple. [rhyming intentional]

i went to church for the first time in a very long time on sunday, and left with a desire to get plugged into one again. i'm not going to lie; part of me is extremely hesitant and cynical, but another part of me misses being connected to others who share the same faith as i do, and belting out hymns with others who believe in what they're singing as much as i do.

and so i church search. [rhyming intentional here, too].

3) a better me: "an unexamined life if not worth living" [socrates]

a healthy mind: to keep my crazy brain occupied, i carry a book everywhere i go. i'm a few chapters away from finishing R.A. dickey's biography "wherever i wind up", which has not only made me be able to relate to the guy and feel less alone in life, but has very easily turned me into a fan of his. you really don't have any idea how powerful your story is until you share yours and/or connect with someone else's story.

a healthy spirit: music hits me so hard. (makes me say 'oh my lord') [some of you are way too young for that song]. but seriously ... music is my voice when i feel like i don't have one. it encourages my brain and fills my soul - and so does the bible - both of which i try and include in my life each and every day.

a healthy body: i got a wee bit off track this past month in this area, and am feeling lethargic as a result, so i went to the store today and bought some veggies to start juicing again [as in making fresh vegetable juice, not taking steroids - enter wink emoticon here], and bought my fave white fish and broccoli for dinner. i also emailed a personal trainer prospect, and plan on biking and swimming more to get my heart a pumping, and my pants a little more loose.

healthy emotions: as you would know from reading last week's blog, my counselor is a great fit, and writing [via this blog, and my journal] provides a good release for me. i also plan on seeing a doctor this week to check out some options ... but i'll save that for a whole other blog. maybe.

until next time, friends.

ps. i decided to give a whirl, but i don't know which category to fit that into. just imagine the stories i'll be able to share with you on this blog! [enter my second and last wink emoticon here].

Friday, June 17, 2016

i sat there
staring out the window pane
tears rolling down my cheek
my silence echoed the pain of great loss
and deep heartache.

and hers, compassion and empathy.
professional or personal, i may never know,
but it spoke none the less.
long enough to let me stay silent,
loud enough to make me feel safe.

"what's the point?", i finally blurted.
words that seem to roll off of my tongue without effort these days.
how much disappointment can one endure?
how much loss can one person take?
and better yet, how do i end this vicious cycle of darkness and pain?

the night before, i only had one answer to that question.
that morning, i only saw one way out.

but now, i see another.
now, i have enough hope to make it through another day.
all because of a counselor
who sat with me in silence,
asked the right questions,
helped me set goals,
gave me a high five,
told me i have it in me to make it through this,
looked me in my tear stained eyes and quoted one of my favourite movies, 'the help':

paula, "you is smart. you is kind. you is important"

and you, dear counselor, saved my life today.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

most things, in excess, are bad.

a glass of red wine can compliment a good steak, but drink too much of it and your liver's at stake.

good food should not be wasted, but too much of it is bad for your waist.

netflix passes time, but too much of it may cause your eyes to 'film' over.

too many puns and ... nevermind, you can't have too many puns ;)

but seriously, moderation is key. especially, i find, when referring to social media.

i just kept scrolling, and scrolling, and scrolling. more babies. another engagement. a kick ass promotion. and the list goes on.

normally, in a healthy state, i would celebrate my friend's accomplishments, and milestones, and celebrate them well.

only this time, i wasn't healthy. only this time, i became found myself becoming jealous, and fighting feelings of discontentment.

so i did what anyone with an extreme personality would do, i deactivated my facebook account and shut off from the world.

it wasn't all bad. in fact, it turned out to be really good for me.

good for me in the sense that i refocused my brain, regained my footing, and put my 'thanks-living' suit back on. good for me in the sense that i found my bearings, and feel like myself again.

and good for you because you can now read my blog ;)

moderation, good. excess, bad.