Monday, March 26, 2018

i'll never forget it as long as i live.

i was at counselling at lakeshore camp when the speaker called us up to pray for students who needed healing. i felt uncomfortable - the topic of healing made me feel that way back then (and sometimes still does) - but i had no choice; i was wearing a lanyard that read 'counsellor', and, well, he called up all of the counsellors.

i looked across the altar and felt drawn to this particular youth, went up to him, asked him what he needed healing from and he said his feet. curious as to what was wrong with them, i asked him, and he told me that he had flat feet and that they were very, very painful.

so i got down on the ground, laid hands on his feet and prayed with as much faith as i could muster up in that moment.

next thing you know, his foot re-formed in my hand, and truthfully, as much as i believed in what i was praying (and even more than that, who i was praying to), i didn't really expect that, and so i jumped back in disbelief.

next, we had this particular student stand in a bucket of water and then step onto some paper towel. had his feet have still been flat, his whole foot would have shown up on the paper towel, but it didn't; only his heel and the part where his toes started did! low and behold, he was, in fact, 'heeled' (sorry, had to), and i will never forget it for as long as i live!

but, there have been times where i have prayed for someone to be healed and have seen zero results, too. my parents being two of them. i prayed many prayers that my dad would get better and that the cancer that my filled my mom's body would disappear, and i prayed with a faith that once saw a healing occur, because healings occur.

but sometimes, they don't. at least, in the ways we expect them to. and i wrestled through this while i visited my uncle garry this past week who is fighting cancer and severe pneumonia simultaneously.

but even still, i couldn't stop thinking about the fact that he has outlasted every single one of his immediate family members (his wife, son, and brothers) and how broken his heart has been since. the most important healing is one of the heart and soul, after all. and sometimes, if i'm being honest, this changes how i pray.

jesus walked the earth healing people. he had the power to do that, and i believe he still does. but he also healed people's souls, and hearts, and promised that if we believe in him, and follow him, that there will come a day when we will receive our healing in full.

until then, although i do believe in physical healing (after all, i saw this happen right before my very own eyes) and will continue to pray for this when asked to/feel led to, i will continue to pray that God does what he does best: be present; that he would show up and surround my uncle in his hospital room and give him peace, be close to my sister as she searches for her lost pet, protect my friend and the beautiful baby in her womb as she's on bed rest, heal my friend's heart as she mourns the loss of her mom, give my family in regent park the strength to keep going, and the list goes on.

whatever that looks like for you today, whatever you're going through, physical or not, and in whichever way you need him to be, my prayer for YOU today is this: that Jesus would be near.

AMEN.

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

i opened my inbox only to find an email that the executive director of montreal's YFC wrote as he was watching the students present their trip to those who weren't there, himself included. the email read: "thank you for your investment in our kids' lives and the example you were to them. you inspired them to live differently and see people differently."

my heart couldn't help but explode.

you see, i don't always get to see the fruit (result) of a trip like this. don't get me wrong; i spend almost 24 hours with the students while they're here. i get to be a part of their learning experience and process and witness (some of) the change they experience, but my 'job, with the exception of a few follow up phone calls/meetings and the few relationships i may carry on, ends when their trip does. so hearing about the evidence of change in the youths' lives, from someone who wasn't on the trip especially, is invaluable to my team and i.

so many people are affected by a trip like this: the students, the team as a whole, the organizations that work day in and day out to make a difference in the heart of our city, our friends on the margins of society, and those who have the honour of leading such a trip, including myself.

below are some of the students' comments taken from their end-week evaluations:

"i learned in an entirely new way that there is really no difference between the "haves" and "have nots", homeless or housed."

"being with different kinds of people has stretched me in positive ways that i'm thankful for. simply learning how to interact with everyone has been a unique experience as oppose to just "sticking to your comfort zone."

"i learned how to manage people when they were upset, and to understand my teammates better. i realize that God has a plan growing everywhere, you just have to look for it. and i am also a bit more compassionate."

"i learned that humility, patience, perseverance and compassion can make so much difference"

"i learned to be more patient with people and i felt more connected with God while i was on this trip"

"i felt God's presence when certain people were telling their stories."

"God taught me to be a more Godly leader."

"i've never been this happy"

"the world is so much bigger than myself and problems beyond my capability to fix, but by helping the world one problem and one person's life at a time, i can make a difference with help from the Lord"

"personally, i grew a lot. i learned to show how i really feel when i usually throw those feelings out. i feel that my relationship with God improved immensely".

"i learned that numbers (in regards to an issue) doesn't mean as much as i thought it did. you need to think about who the people on the street really are and remember that they have a story".

"i grew in my faith in my Heavenly Father. right before the trip i was really stressed about it, but i learned to pray when my team and i were walking in the city. i prayed about anything. i learned to put a smile on any ways - even when i was feeling sick or hurting inside because of what happened right before the trip"

... and the list goes on. (a list i will continue to read and reflect on.)

so, as you can see from the above comments, we can (thankfully) check off every goal we had for this trip:

- the team was able to connect with one another and appreciate their team (and the importance of teamwork) more.

- they realize how life-giving and 'easy' serving others can be and how it helps us take our focus off of our own problems and life (even if it is temporary) - see last comment.

- they grew in humility and compassion.

- they acknowledge that while 'homelessness and poverty' is a mass city-wide (and global) issue, it is made up of unique stories and individual people.

- and most importantly, students experienced (and connected to) God (something that isn't forced by any nature, but naturally happens on a trip like this), grew in their relationship with Him and were moved by His desire for us to love and serve Him and others!

and as for me, i did, too.

i'm still processing what i experienced personally, but i will say this: i am even more confident of the call on my life now that i have seen a seed that the Lord planted in my heart seven years a go come to fruition.

to every single one of you who have given to me and/or 'my' ministry, pray(ed) for me, or sent me an encouraging text or email throughout the duration of the trip, thank you for planting seeds with me! i couldn't have done it without you!

"i planted the seed, apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow". (1 corinthians 3:6)

Monday, March 19, 2018

it was shared over 650 times and liked over 800.

a black (relevant) male wrote a frustrating status about a gaming/coffee establishment, claiming that he and his date were refused alcohol at 10:00 on a saturday night because "the server was racist". people went buck wild; friends and strangers alike drafted comment after comment stating that they, too, were disgusted with this company and had planned on boycotting it from that moment on.

now, let it be said that racism still exists and is terribly wrong, and truthfully, as a white female, i cant speak of it (i wont here, either), but what i can speak of is our tendency to view things through our insecurities and/or through the lens of our pain.

let me explain what i mean using this specific example (followed by an example out of my own life.)

let it be said that i was able to read this particular status and the comments below it as an outsider; i had no personal connection to the man who wrote it or any opinion of snakes and lattes whatsoever. i was just simply a girl reading a status that a friend of mine had shared.

a few observations.

one, he started off his status stating his race and how successful he was as a black male (which he has since taken down.) to me, this shows his desire to prove himself because of his race, which again, is not something i can personally understand, but also a level of insecurity (which we all have) and a desire to 'prove people wrong' because of it.

he then sets the scene stating that he and his latin american girlfriend were the only visible "non white people in the whole establishment" (which is hard to believe seeing as how this particular coffee shop is located right in the heart of one of north america's most multi-cultural cities, but i wasn't there) and were not greeted at the door by a cheerful hostess. (i am one of the most energetic people you will meet and there were times in my hospitality career as a server and a manager that i did not greet people in a cheerful manner, either. it's unfortunate, but it happens, especially in the midst of a chaotic night.)

after a nice staff member helped them find a game they'd like, their server, "emma" dropped some waters off and said she would be right back. "15-30 minutes" later, she returned and apologized for the delay (again, this sadly happens during peak hours.). long story short (too late?), they asked for alcohol and emma said she wasn't comfortable serving them because she is liable for any decisions she makes as a server (which is true) and thought they were intoxicated.

next thing you know, she's being accused of being racist because 1) she allegedly mistook his girlfriend's accent for slurring (his words) and 2) she, as he claims, wasn't comfortable serving them because of the colour of the skin. so he took it to facebook, tagging every single news source out there. the scary thing? over 1000 people took on his hurt and hate and spread it without even knowing the truth.

again, let it be said that racism does exist and it's terrible, but none of us know what happened that day (including myself) because we weren't there. the almost 700 people who shared his status weren't there. nor were the 800 people who liked it or commented on it. or the countless other people who took it upon themselves to fuel the fire by trash talking snakes and lattes on their business page and by refusing to go back. the only person who really knows if she's racist is emma.

but what i do know is this: if we're not careful, we may start to look at things through the lens of our previous experience and just as likely to start viewing things through our present wounds.

"i got fired because i'm black" (something someone once said to me). is this possible? yes. does racism exist? absolutely. but truth be told, they hired you while you were black, too.

"my boss hates me because i'm gay". could this be true? sure - homophobia is real (and just as terrible) - but it may not be the case, either. maybe the boss 'hates' you because you're late all of the time and unproductive. or (insert any other reason here.)

"i keep getting overlooked because i'm overweight" (something i tricked myself into believing for a time). ummmmm not true; fat people get married, too. (being overweight cant be compared to racism or homophobia, i know. but the same principle can be applied here, too; if we let our insecurities and wounds lead the way, we can all find reasons why we aren't our boss's favourite, don't get served alcohol, miss a job opportunity, etc.)

i've been thinking about this status for a month now. not just because of this particular one, but because of countless other things i have seen and heard of similar accord lately. even, and especially, in my own life.

i'm going to be vulnerable here.

i'm petrified of being rejected and abandoned. like P-E-T-R-I-F-I-E-D. the healthy part of me (which thanks to my healing journey is 90-95% of the time), doesn't let my past full of either seep into my present and current relationships, but, if i'm not careful, the unhealthy side of me can, and will.

i've felt like a basket case ever since my montreal team left. so many emotions all at once. excitement and happiness. pride (of good and bad nature.). gratitude. insecurity. deep bouts of loneliness. unpredictable waves of grief. (i haven't experienced the gut wrenching cries like i have this week since shortly after my mom passed away.) - and the list goes on.

truth be told, i feel like my wounds are exposed, and because of that, i feel extra vulnerable, and because of that, i have been living and leading out of place of fear, insecurity and brokenness, instead of health, wholeness and security, and quite frankly, i'm feeling quite overwhelmed because of it.

that's why posts like the above are hard to let go of for me. because i get it. and because i know how damaging it can be when we don't recognize our wounds and cleanse our lens. (rhyming intentional.)

so, i've put some time aside this week to do just that: reflect, recognize, heal, and find my footing again. perhaps, if needed, this week can be that for you, too.

Friday, March 16, 2018

my friend and i sat on the chair she cleared off for us while another sat on the edge of her bed. there were years of collected stuff piled everywhere; random paraphernalia, a picture of her deceased husband on the bookshelf and one of her son on the table, and boxes upon boxes filled with things i couldn't see. she was proud of her home, i could tell. and she invited me into it without knowing anything but my name.

it didn't take long for her to pull out a stack of paper and start showing us how to make one of her 'special' puppets. she was so passionate about these puppets. so much, in fact, that she handed us a 'how to' manual so that we could make them, too.

part of her reminded me of my favourite bible character, dorcas, whom i had just so passionately shared about with a church a few weeks a go and the group of students from montreal. and another part reminded me of my mom, whom i seem to miss more and more with each passing day (they say it gets easier, but i don't think it does.) and how sweet she was.

she started sharing part of her story, how the doctor thinks she has cancer (also brought back memories of my hero of a mom) and how she is ready to go. i guess a lot of older people get to that point (especially after hearing the C word and knowing what that battle entails.) and then, even though she had just shared some of her pain, asked if she could pray for us. i was so touched; somehow, this elderly lady, whom i had met a measly ten minutes prior, quickly made her way into my heart.

as we're saying our goodbyes, she asked us if we would come visit her again because 'she doesn't have any friends.' her eyes filled with tears as she asked. so did mine.

loneliness always strikes a chord in my heart. because i get it. and i think it's one of the hardest things to struggle through and wrestle with, and something i believe we can all help each other with in a small way.

yes, people love me. a lot of people, in fact. i'd be dumb to think otherwise, but i can't shake the deep loneliness i feel on an almost daily basis.

this past week was one of my all-time favourites. walking alongside of the students from montreal brought me so much joy and confirmed the calling on my life (blog coming early next week).

i struggled the next day when i had no one to share it with. i wanted so bad to be able to call my mom and dad and let them know how great it was, that i finally found my niche. all they wanted was for their daughter, the one who struggled so much emotionally, to be happy. and i was. i am. and i want so badly for them to be able to see it; i long to be able to share my life with them, but i can't. so i'm left with this unfillable void. a void i want to fill, but can't. hence the word unfillable.

i packed my week with babysitting some of my favourite kids and had a blast. it was nice to have some company - albeit that of an almost ten year old and a six year old - but company none the less. would you believe me when i say that i cried when i left them? LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? the thought of coming home to an empty house made me sad. because, well, loneliness.

i have so much i want to process and talk through. i'm a processor (you all know that) and i have so much to talk about.

like how great the montreal team was and how alive i felt when i was teaching them about my city and sharing the ins and outs of poverty with them. where i feel like i failed and how i want to improve and grow. how i cant wait until the next team comes and how scared i am that i have a lot of space to fill in between now and then. how much i long for companionship and a family of my own and how i spend way too much time wracking my brain trying to figure out why everyone else seems to have one and i don't. how my feed is full of "i don't know what i would do without my mom/dad/parents/husband" posts and how i want to scream, and how social media has been affecting me in the most negative way lately but how i can't seem to stop scrolling any ways.

but i sit here and blog instead. because it helps me and i know it helps some of you, too. (even those of you who have the kind of family i long for.) and i know that you, too, will be able to take comfort in my honesty the same way i was able to take comfort in a lovely lady by the name of helen who allowed me the honour of sitting in her home for twenty minutes last week...twenty minutes where she felt less alone, and twenty minutes where i did, too.