i've changed my eating habits and have been doing a workout program for the past few weeks. i'm down four pounds, multiple inches and a few chins (the latter being of utmost importance obviously), and feel like a million bucks.

today's (yoga) workout video (which i sucked at, by the way) reminded me of something much more important, though: the importance of balance.

is physical self-care important? absolutely. eating healthy does wonders and exercise has been proven to strengthen your body, help you get a six pack (though i seem to have more of a 40 ounce at the moment), and increase your mental stamina. exercise is good.

and so are clothes (please wear clothes); there's nothing wrong with wearing an outfit that makes you feel good. in fact, i would encourage it. confidence is life-changing.

but an inner confidence is better, and more sustainable. after all, there's a lot more to you than what meets the eye.

and so as much as i have been working on my physical health lately, i've been just as intentional about working on the rest of me, too.

i've been reading books to challenge my intellect and keep my brain sharp, processing my feelings through journaling and counselling to keep my emotions in check, and reading my Bible and attending conferences to keep my heart right and my life centred in Christ (which, i would easily argue, is the most important one of all.)

at the end of the day, there's no sense in working on your physique if your heart and soul aren't being worked on, too. truth be told, your looks will eventually fade, your boobs will sag, and your image will catch up with you one day. will you be happy with who you are then? work on balance now and i bet you you will!

"what matters is not your outer appearance — the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes — but your inner disposition. cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in" [1 peter 3:3-4 MSG]

AMEN.

i learned (re-learned) a few valuable lessons as i faced my scary thing today.

1. the stuff i wrote in yesterday's blog post (see below) really works. not that i doubted that, obviously, as these are tools i have compiled and used along the way, but it feels pretty darn good to be able to take your own advice and benefit from it.

2. anxiety (almost always) lies. things don't turn out as half as bad as they feel like they will the night before.

3. i can "do hard things" (thanks, jenn khan) and endure anything, and so can YOU.

4. courage is empowering.

and lastly, so is a thoughtful text from a friend.

(and now we await the results.)

in the meantime, i am working on a workshop that my colleague and i are teaching this week in markham, getting ready for 'ladies night out' in regent park and our women's conference this weekend, and feeling really happy that i get to watch my favourite biagini pitch in today's double header against the royals. what more could one ask for, really?

until next time, friends.

sometimes, you have to face scary, uncomfortable things.

it could be in the form of of a hard conversation. or the need to get on an airplane even though they petrify you, or the need to visit someone really sick in a hospital room or show up to a funeral without knowing what to say. (who does, really?)

other times, it can come in the form of a doctor's appointment. like the one i have scheduled for tomorrow morning.

i've been having problems with my uterus (sorry, fellas), or right kidney (they're not sure) the past few months. sharp pains and jabs, to be exact. and frankly, it scares me. why? because i play the 'what if?' game a lot and because my mom died of uterine cancer. (worst case scenerio.)

of course, it could be a cyst, or something not life-altering, but it also could be the complete opposite, and it's going to take a really uncomfortable test to figure it out. (just writing that makes me cringe.)

but like i said, sometimes, you have to face scary, uncomfortable things.

but how?

here are three things that have helped me face scary things in the past (and will help me do the same tomorrow morning):

1. remind yourself that others have endured the very thing you fear.

i am not the first woman to have to go through with this dumb test (or the last), and i am certainly not the only one who has faced internal complications. if someone else can get through it, so can i. (and so can you.)

2. tell someone your fears and bring them to the light.

we all need people in our lives that we're comfortable enough to share our fears with. no need for over sharing (though some of you think i went there already with this blog lol), but bringing your fears into the light can make you feel less alone in it/them. more often than not, the person you're sharing with can help you process and help you shed some perspective on that which has the ability to paralyze you. don't let it paralyze you - share your fears with someone you trust.

and lastly, and most importantly,

3. train your brain to stop dwelling on the worst case scenerio and the 'what ifs?'.

listen, i am a huge fan of feeling and processing and i think both are important, but nobody gains anything by sitting at home and picturing your plane hitting the ground at rapid speed or your test results coming back negative. are both a possibility? sure. but we don't have control over such things, so why dwell on things that we can't control?

my counsellor back in the day taught me a valuable lesson; he told me that not only do our brains naturally pull towards the negative, but that in order to conquer those thoughts (which i have since learned is possible), we have to replace them with something positive.

i have a few incredible memories on hand: the time i checked the last remaining thing off of my original bucket list and jumped out of a fully functioning airplane, the time i saw a dream of mine come true when i brought a group of teenagers with me to africa and how we watched a whole village of people dance and praise God FOR HOURS when they saw that someone back home had donated a bunch of brand new cups and bowls for them to use for their porridge, or the day when i found out my good friend had bought me tickets to a jays' playoff game and how we couldn't stop screaming (and crying) when we waved our white flags in victory.

any time i find myself dwelling on something negative, i automatically re-live one of the above memories, and it works every single time.

but even still, sometimes (a lot of the time), you need to dwell on something far more powerful, too. like scripture.

verses like 1 Peter 5:7 that remind me to 'cast all of my anxiety on Him because He cares for me (you)'. or isaiah 41:10 that tells me (us) that i (we) don't have to fear because the Lord is with me (us). or, one of my favourites (today especially), philippians 4:6-7, do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation (including doctors appointments), by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. and - get this - the peace that passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus".

feeling fearful? choose peace.

this.

i’ve been reading (and re-reading) this ever since jen hatmaker posted it a few weeks ago:

"Going to church is saving my life right now. Now mind you, ours is a specific kind of church. Really simple and inclusion-y and Methodist-y (< that will make sense to the Methodists). Yesterday, two women led worship, a female assistant Superintendent preached, two women led the prayer team, and a woman gave communion. A young gay man came to church alone because after being an atheist, he found Jesus two weeks ago in the pages of our friend Colby Martin's book, Unclobbered, and can't believe how radically his soul is changing. (Being loved by Jesus and His people will rearrange your spiritual DNA, that's a fact.) Another woman came for the first time in years and told me, "I thought I was no longer a Christian because I departed from my fundamentalist upbringing, and they told me I wasn't. But I am. I think I just haven't found the right room." So she bravely came to church alone. Our whole lobby was filled with shoes and supplies you sent from all over the US for our homeless friends on Easter...we literally got another UPS shipment during church. Listen, church is the most imperfect thing I can think of. It is. It can wound as much as it heals, and it sometimes shuts its doors when Jesus bid us "go to the street corners and invite anyone you can find." It gets much wrong because people lead it and we are a historic mess. But if we can take the idea of "church" out of its weird, fancy, western context, out of the realm of entertainment, off the pedestal of perfect leaders and shiny living, away from the barely disguised goal of self-help, apart from the evil of protected hierarchy and exclusionary doctrines, and bring it all down to the ground, into the streets, around the table, and to its knees, church can be the most healing, life transformative place to meet the real Jesus...the one who loves us all and upended power structures and valued every outcasted person made in His image. Church and Christians can so strangely keep us from Jesus, but if you find a faith community that feels like the gospels and prioritizes our neighbors and sticks together even though their leaders are just medium and stuff goes sideways, hang on for dear life. That messy, kind of lame, rag-tag bunch of folks just might save your life too".

the truth is, i get it. church in regent park ‘saved my life’. and so did youth unlimited. the truth is, i’m surrounded by wonderful, loving, safe people. imperfect people, but safe people. people who want the best for me. people who love me well.

love takes on different forms, you know. sometimes it looks like giving me a ride or lending me a couch. other times, it looks like correcting me and restoring me gently.

if you don’t have people like this in your life, please find some. and if you’re tired of looking for them or too scared to trust people again (i was there), let me introduce you to my regent park/YU fam. you’ll love them, i swear. and they’ll love YOU, too.

he was my tray guy.

you see, one week we were short volunteers (which rarely happens) and allen was eager to help.

"sure, man", i said. "it would be a great help if you could be my tray guy and make sure that all of these trays get wiped and put away." he nodded and smiled.

let me tell you, HE WAS THE BEST TRAY GUY EVER.

he not only cleaned the ones i pointed out, but he took it upon himself to track down every other used tray, and didn't leave until there wasn't an unclean one in sight.

so when he approached me after dinner the following week asking if i needed some help, it was no a brainer. i pointed him to the trays.

let me tell you, allen faithfully wiped every single tray for me for the next few months.

that is, until he passed away last week. at age 37. because of a blood clot, making him the first person i personally know from regent park to pass away. and frankly, it stings.

but it also wakes me up. and sets a fire under my butt. and reminds me of the important role that my church and i have there. to reflect christ. extend grace and love. help people feel part of something and let our friends clean trays.

i couldn't walk by the tray rack last week without thinking about my friend allen and i have a feeling that i won't be able to this week, either. or next - or ever - and i hope that every time i do, i remember how important he was to us and how much he belonged, and that i never lose the urgency to do what i can to ensure that the rest of my regent park family knows that they're important and that they belong, too.

what is 5,486 feet long, 308 feet tall, and hits a top speed of 92 miles/hour? (thanks, wikipedia)

the leviathan, of course.

i have a love-hate relationship with this particular roller coaster. i love every minute of the actual ride. the anticipation. the buckling in. the brief "there's no turning back now" moment on the way up. the drop - especially the drop - the tunnel. heck, the whole darn thing.

but what i hate about this particular ride is how dull it makes every other ride look. the vortex bores me now. the dragon fire? not even worth lining up for. everything else seems boring in comparison.

it's kind of like how i feel now that i've been skydiving; everything feels so dull compared to signing your life away, and nothing - i repeat, nothing - is as thrilling as that split second you find yourself pulling your shoot in hopes that it'll open or the free fall that comes seconds before it.

isn't life like a roller coaster sometimes? for me it is, any ways. maybe you guys are all on the ground eating a funnel cake while i'm getting free chiropractic work on the mimebuster, i don't know. (SERIOUSLY, THOUGH - THOSE WOODEN ROLLER COASTERS ARE CHEAPER THAN A CHIROPRACTOR.)

any ways.

i learned something valuable about myself after the montreal team left: it's really important for me to have something to look forward to after a really high high. (a friend of mine recommended that, actually.)

my heart was so full that week. i was living my dream. hanging out with youth in my favourite city. bridging the gap between my students and those stricken with poverty. using my gifts. i seriously could have come home, did my laundry, and started all over again. i felt so alive.

and then, after a day of rest (that's all i really need physically), i felt the opposite; bored and purposeless. i had way too much time on my hands and 'nothing' to do with it.

the vortex. i was on the vortex.

but here's the thing. while the vortex may not be as appealing as the leviathan (or half as cool), it's still in the same park; a really, really, fun park. with cotton candy and funnel cake.

life can seem dull, sure. one day, things are great, and the next, not so great. one week, we have a lot going on, and the next, not enough. but it's all a gift.

i had to remind myself of this when depression creeped in out of nowhere, knocked me off of my feet, and left me feeling suffocated and gasping for air this week. (only those who suffer will know that i'm not trying to be dramatic here.)

but, thanks to God's love and compassion and my ability to scrape myself out of bed, have a bath, and attend an easter dinner i was invited to (which just so happened to be a surprise (early) birthday party for me also!), i'm not only breathing again, but i'm buckled in in anticipation of what's ahead: my quarterly review at work, teaching our alpha course on wednesday in regent park and a pre-trip workshop on homelessness to a group of students in elmvale (does anyone even know where this is? j/k) after that. and then it's my birthday. lots going on. the leviathan.

but don't worry - i learned my lesson last time around and booked a short two and half day trip to ottawa right after that, because, well, you gotta have things to look forward to, and as i was reminded of last week, family time is good for the soul.