Tuesday, January 23, 2018

i'll never forget what she said as long as i live.

it was the summer of 2010 and i had packed my bags to move to penticton, BC for a few months to help my friend manage her home while her husband was away for school.

though i spent most of my time cleaning, making mean shepherd's pie, hanging out with her two 16 year old foster boys, biking through the mountains and sitting by the lake (tough life), i needed to find a job.

'WANTED: ONE AMAZING, FUNNY, BEAUTIFUL, DOWN TO EARTH FEMALE TO RUN MY KAYAK SHOP', the ad read (okay, okay, maybe i made that up), but it had something to do with being by the lake all day so i (obviously) sent in my resume.

a few days, later, i was sitting at a picnic table lakeside having a pretty relaxed conversation with ms. kayak herself.

she asked me the typical questions, where i'm from, what brought me here, what i liked about my previous jobs etc.

and then? then my friend's two foster boys walked by (they were spying the whole time) and waved.

"who are they?", she asked, and i answered (that's the way Q&A's work, people).

a big smile came across her face.

"you know, paula", she said. "when you were talking about your previous experience, you did so in a passionate manner, but when you talked about those boys and youth, you lit up. i would love to hire you, but i would being a disservice to you and the world".

i have never heard such a powerful and uplifting no in all of my life.

and you know something, she was right; when something brings us life, it shows. when something makes us feel alive, other people see it.

“don’t ask what the world needs. ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” (howard thurman).

what makes YOU feel alive? put the kayak down and get to it! (unless kayaking’s your thing, of course).

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

love your neighbour as ... wait for it ... yourself.

yourself.

as in you.

as in, at the risk of sounding like the beibs, you need to love yourself.

you see, i love a part of me. i love the funny (well, really funny) side to me. the thoughtful, kind, generous, encouraging (okay, okay) part of me. most of me. but i despise the 'other part. the moody, impatient, angry me. the part of me that shuts down and withdraws; the insecure, scared little girl that pushes people away.

so what do you do with that? what do YOU do with that? (because i know i'm not alone in this.)

1. practice acceptance.

i need to learn to accept me for me. the whole package. the fact that i'm flawed and imperfect. not who people want me to be at times. not who i want to be, either. at best, i'm content and full of life. at worst, fragile and insecure.

2. say no to shame.

shame, defined as a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour, is my go-to. i feel humiliated when i react poorly, bury myself in guilt, and withdraw. of course, the degree of this looks different depending on other factors (who i hurt or frustrated, how stressed i feel, how tired i am etc), but i walk through the same process every single time.

which leads me to next point:

3. give yourself some grace and try, try again.

sometimes this looks like not letting my brain trick me into believing that everyone is going to give up on me. other times, forcing myself to look people in the eye, be vulnerable, open up and have difficult conversations (which i suck at, by the way.) and sometimes, it means taking a deep breath and reminding myself of how far i've come, that God isn't done with me yet, and that i actually do have a lot of patient people in my life who love me enough to see me through.

having a hard time loving yourself at times, too? practice acceptance, say no to shame, extend grace to yourself and keep on trucking.

Friday, January 5, 2018

remember 18 years a go when we all thought we were going to die because of Y2K? well, we didn't. (you may, however, still have a buttload of non perishables sitting untouched in our cupboards, and if that's the case, food banks have been low this year.)

in fact, all of those other days (and years) you never thought you'd make it through? you did. (look at you go!) and the same will be said about this year, too.

will it be full of challenges? sure. aches and pains. perhaps. but will you find the strength to endure? absolutely. you always do.

as you know, the end of the year/beginning of another causes us to reflect on the past, evaluate where we are right now, and make plans/set goals for the future.

(a look behind.)

instead of making 'new years resolutions' for the past six years, i have chosen/prayed for a word to focus on each year:

2013: ameliorate; to make better (this was a year dedicated to working on myself.)
2014: healing (i started to sort through my baggage, leave it behind, and heal.)
2015: purpose (to start to dream again and make steps towards it.)
2016: hope (turns out my mom passed away this year and i learned what it meant to cling to it.)
2017: reap (i reaped what i have sown.)

i can't help but reflect on those words and what they've meant to me as i sit here. some years were harder than others (which goes without saying), but others were absolutely amazing. like the one we just finished. 2017 was definitely one for the books. i flew a plane. one of my favourite people in the world paid for me to board another one so i could watch her graduate from university in texas. i proudly watched my younger sister walk the stage to accept her PSW diploma and walked a stage of my own to accept a medal in honour of my beautiful mom who donated an organ. i gained an adorable (no, really) niece and some great friends. quit my job to pursue my dream one and landed it. started public speaking again. met some great people. joined the staff of a great church in regent park. gained a family. and the list goes on.

(a look around.)

this year's word is 'rooted': to establish deeply and firmly.

rooted in the word of God. in community. self-love. regent park. in my role with youth unlimited. in life.

just typing these things makes me feel really thankful. and excited.

(a look ahead.)

though i have no idea what the future holds (who does?), i am confident that it holds good things. tough things. fulfilling things and surprising things. but really, really good things.

i'm excited to be able to hang out with my family in regent park more. to introduce them to more of my friends. move closer and help serve the community in new ways. lead bible study. learn and grow.

i'm happy i get the chance to invest in more youth. teach them how valuable and life-giving giving back to their community is. expose them to those on the margins of society. watch them put their phones down, connect, listen to stories, share their own, and realize how similar their stories are, how similar all of ours are.

i'm excited to get more opportunities to speak and teach and just as excited to be able to nurture my relationships this year. with myself. God. my friends and family. people i've yet to meet, but will.

...and so much more.

what are you looking forward to? let's make 2018 our best year yet!