Thursday, April 11, 2013

“man is a great wall builder
the berlin wall
the wailing wall of jerusalem
but the wall most impregnable
has a moat
flowing with fright
around his heart
a wall without windows for the spirit to breeze through
without a door for love to walk in.”
- oswald mtshali

it's scary how introverted i have become in the past little while. i've always treasured alone time, but lately i've been craving it way more than usual. maybe it's because my heart is surrounded by walls like the above poem states, or maybe, just maybe, i'm in need of a recharge. either way, holla for PAULAday. and PAULAtime. and PAULA.

but if i'm completely honest with myself, i have lonely moments, too. moments where i wish i could call up a friend and grab a coffee, or talk, or just show up at a friend's house like we did back in the day before the cell phones we heavily rely on existed.

it's a catch 22, really. i build walls up around my heart to prevent myself from getting hurt, and yet i'm dying for someone - anyone - to break them down.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

online dating update.

i'm considering changing what i've written in my profile to 'online dating tips for men'. [i'm sure there are some equally uneducated women out there, but they don't affect me]. based on experience, i would include the following tips at the very least:

1. don't use your prison photo as your profile picture. this is highly unattractive and scary.
2. you don't stand a chance with a name like 'mmmmmm' or 'hottemptation'. [tempted to delete you, maybe].
3. opening your initial conversation with things like 'hey baby - you're the one for me' or 'i want to marry you' have the words 'green card' written all over them.
4. sending me a picture of your chest will not inspire me to send you one of mine. [true story].
5. writing in caps makes me think you're yelling at me, and you're not allowed to be louder than me.
6. if you use the wrong your/you're, you're outta here.

needless to say, there hasn't been much progress since my last blog, but i still refuse to settle.

my battle with depression.

"each time i find myself flat on my face, i pick myself up and get back in the race ... that's life!" [frank sinatra]

some months are better than others, but this one knocked me off of my feet unexpectedly. i haven't felt that low/dark/isolated/hopeless in a while, but thankfully i'm on the mend and almost back to being me [even though 'this' is a part of me, too], and for those of you reading this who struggle with depression, you will be, too. keep fighting.

the blue jays.

i cannot express how happy my heart is to have my boys back. nor can i express how blessed i am to have a roommate who can get me half price tickets any time i want. i almost died when he told me that recently. [good thing i didn't though; half price tickets only benefit me when i'm alive].

until next time, friends.