Thursday, January 24, 2013

about a month ago i picked up a book by the name of 'counterfeit gods' by tim keller. i began reading the book and instantly found myself captivated by the story of jacob. [genesis 25-50]. some of you know the story quite well.

so here he was, desperate to win his dad's approval to the point where he decides to deceive him into giving him his blessing. he then has to flee, losing everything, because his brother esau is after him, among other things.

then he looks to rachel, a beautiful woman, to fill the void that he feels.

and her sister, leah, looks to jacob, knowing he is in love with rachel, and tries to win his approval by bearing more of his children.

i put the book down, being reminded of the fact that only God can fill the void we all, at some time or another, look to fill.

ironically, a few days later, i find myself searching for other things to fill the void that i, too, feel, which led me into one of the darkest weeks of my life spiritually.

during this week, i had a dream. i was in battle - dressed in camlaflauge - the whole works. thinking i'd be less of a target by myself, i decided to leave the team i was with to fight on my own. i could hear them in the distance, and part of me wanted to go back and fight with them, but i couldn't bring myself to. eventually, i started losing the battle - almost lost my life a few times before rejoining my team by jumping into this nasty green, dirty water.

a few days later, a friend i used to go to school with asks me if i have had any dreams lately [randommmmmm], so i fill her in, and she feels like God interpreted it through her:


So with just the information you've given me this is a spiritual warfare dream. He's calling you to not give up on the good fight of faith and especially not to try to lone it through this cause it can cost your life if you do. You are safer with others, you are empowered with others.

The fact that the water was nasty & green symbolizes your spirit. You're in a mucky place spiritually. But in this place you need to meet up with the fellow believers God has assigned to you.

Some of your questions may be 'Who & how?' To me if God is giving you not only understanding but strategy in this dream, it would be to pray and ask God to link you up & give you discernment as to where the team of people are that He has given you to fight along side of you and will journey with you and won't be afraid to meet with you in the dirtier places of your life.


friends, she couldn't have been more bang on. i felt under attack and wanted to give up...again. i felt alone in my battle, and as a result, purposely shut myself out from the world.

from there, my friend tells me that i need to find out what i am wrestling others for, and wrestle God for it, 'just like jacob' did. [coincidence?].

i then get off the phone and decide to pick up the book i had neglected for weeks and BOOM - where does it pick up? the part where jacob wrestles God.

so i start doing some soul searching. what is it that i look for [wrestle for] in/from other people?

my conclusion? intimacy and connection ... which i believe only God can fill in its entirety, yet i continue to live differently at times.

the truth is, we all do. we all look to other things to fill the void in our lives. alcohol. sex. people. work. success. you name it. but like jacob, and leah, we eventually come to that place where we realize that these things that we experiment with/seek after/get into, leave us feeling empty.


  1. Great post Paula! Its awesome to see how God works in our lives and forces us to re think our situation and seek Him

  2. I love when He moves like our darkest hours. <3


  3. I heard a saying: that not all good gifts come in pretty packaging. The very situation or circumstance we find at our door might not be what we would have choose but God has a plan to make us more like Him. He wants to bend us but not break us. Sometimes I feel that I'm just about at the breaking point, but God restores me just enough so that I keep looking back up!!

    Paula your intentional and transparent life via this blog and other forms of social media are points that (I) & many hold into in their journey to heaven!!

    Keep being awesome!!