Sunday, May 18, 2014

take a trip back with me to the end of 2013. i was sitting in jack astors with my bff and her kids and we were talking about what we expected in 2014; it was during this conversation that we all came up with a personal word that we wanted to adopt for the new year.

i chose the word ameliorate, which means, 'to make something unsatisfactory better; to become better'.

little did i know that this would mean that i would soon have to let go of a few unsatisfactory things in my life, in exchange for [soon to come] better things. [sometimes you have to let go of the good for the best].

so, a few months later, i quit my job.

truth be told, without going into too much detail, my job sucked the life out of me. working 50 hours/week, often until 3 or 4a.m. drained me, as did the demands of the job itself; it got to the point where all i did was work, and sleep, and work and sleep some more. so i quit, and i did so without having anything else lined up.

i've spent countless hours since job hunting, pounding out cover letters, filling out applications, emailing my resume, making calls, and showing up for countless interviews, and ... nothing has come of it. i can't wrap my mind around this, either. not only am i qualified for the jobs that i have applied to, but i have yet to walk away from an interview where i didn't connect with the interviewee and make him or her laugh in the process.

it's tough, you know. i've battled regret, wondering if i made the right choice in leaving my other job. i've wrestled with feelings of failure and rejection. i've stressed over money, been driven crazy by the boredom and loneliness that i feel on an almost daily basis, and i've relentlessly fought through a good share of hopeless days, and bouts of depression.

i was reading through a few of my journals today and oddly enough i came across pages upon pages of entries that were written during times similar to the season i find myself in today. now, while on one hand it's important to recognize patterns and cycles in our lives, grow from them, and do what we can to stop them from repeating, it's equally important to remind ourselves of the very fact that we got through them, too. and if we got through them then, we can get through them now.

"we assume life will go a certain way, and then it doesn't...and we find ourselves in a place we never would have imagined on our own. and so it was difficult and unexpected and maybe even tragic - and yet it opened us up and freed us to see things in a whole new way. suffering does that; it hurts, but it also creates..."

coming soon: part two: suffering creates.

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