there are different kinds of depression, you see.

there's the kind that comes with losing a loved one (either by death or breakup) or a job, financial or relational stress, unmet expectations, you name it. i call this type of depression circumstantial. though it can be deep and often hard to shake, you're aware of the source of it.

then there's the kind i fought this past week - the kind that creeps up on you and doesn't make sense. no matter how hard you try, you can't figure out what's wrong.

you have so much to be thankful for - you know that - and yet, your brain - no matter how hard you try and stop it - keeps highlighting your lack, and making crap up.

you're a failure.
no one loves you.
they're using you.
don't bother reaching out - no one will understand.
they have both parents. you have none.
they have a spouse and kids. you don't have those, either.
and you never will.
you'll always be alone.

that was my thought process more or less the past week. some more intense than others, some more frequent than most.

here's the thing - these thoughts are so damn irrational. i know that. that's why this kind of depression doesn't make sense to me.

how can something you know isn't true seem true?

a lot of you won't be able to understand this, i know (i can't even put it into words a lot of the time), but for those of you who do,

keep fighting. reach out. seek peace. lock yourself in your room and turn off the lights if you have to. take a nap. pray. write. pet a dog. hold a baby. go see a movie. spend some time outside. go for a walk. do what you have to do. just don't give up.

i'm not giving up - don't you, either.