it was shared over 650 times and liked over 800.

a black (relevant) male wrote a frustrating status about a gaming/coffee establishment, claiming that he and his date were refused alcohol at 10:00 on a saturday night because "the server was racist". people went buck wild; friends and strangers alike drafted comment after comment stating that they, too, were disgusted with this company and had planned on boycotting it from that moment on.

now, let it be said that racism still exists and is terribly wrong, and truthfully, as a white female, i cant speak of it (i wont here, either), but what i can speak of is our tendency to view things through our insecurities and/or through the lens of our pain.

let me explain what i mean using this specific example (followed by an example out of my own life.)

let it be said that i was able to read this particular status and the comments below it as an outsider; i had no personal connection to the man who wrote it or any opinion of snakes and lattes whatsoever. i was just simply a girl reading a status that a friend of mine had shared.

a few observations.

one, he started off his status stating his race and how successful he was as a black male (which he has since taken down.) to me, this shows his desire to prove himself because of his race, which again, is not something i can personally understand, but also a level of insecurity (which we all have) and a desire to 'prove people wrong' because of it.

he then sets the scene stating that he and his latin american girlfriend were the only visible "non white people in the whole establishment" (which is hard to believe seeing as how this particular coffee shop is located right in the heart of one of north america's most multi-cultural cities, but i wasn't there) and were not greeted at the door by a cheerful hostess. (i am one of the most energetic people you will meet and there were times in my hospitality career as a server and a manager that i did not greet people in a cheerful manner, either. it's unfortunate, but it happens, especially in the midst of a chaotic night.)

after a nice staff member helped them find a game they'd like, their server, "emma" dropped some waters off and said she would be right back. "15-30 minutes" later, she returned and apologized for the delay (again, this sadly happens during peak hours.). long story short (too late?), they asked for alcohol and emma said she wasn't comfortable serving them because she is liable for any decisions she makes as a server (which is true) and thought they were intoxicated.

next thing you know, she's being accused of being racist because 1) she allegedly mistook his girlfriend's accent for slurring (his words) and 2) she, as he claims, wasn't comfortable serving them because of the colour of the skin. so he took it to facebook, tagging every single news source out there. the scary thing? over 1000 people took on his hurt and hate and spread it without even knowing the truth.

again, let it be said that racism does exist and it's terrible, but none of us know what happened that day (including myself) because we weren't there. the almost 700 people who shared his status weren't there. nor were the 800 people who liked it or commented on it. or the countless other people who took it upon themselves to fuel the fire by trash talking snakes and lattes on their business page and by refusing to go back. the only person who really knows if she's racist is emma.

but what i do know is this: if we're not careful, we may start to look at things through the lens of our previous experience and just as likely to start viewing things through our present wounds.

"i got fired because i'm black" (something someone once said to me). is this possible? yes. does racism exist? absolutely. but truth be told, they hired you while you were black, too.

"my boss hates me because i'm gay". could this be true? sure - homophobia is real (and just as terrible) - but it may not be the case, either. maybe the boss 'hates' you because you're late all of the time and unproductive. or (insert any other reason here.)

"i keep getting overlooked because i'm overweight" (something i tricked myself into believing for a time). ummmmm not true; fat people get married, too. (being overweight cant be compared to racism or homophobia, i know. but the same principle can be applied here, too; if we let our insecurities and wounds lead the way, we can all find reasons why we aren't our boss's favourite, don't get served alcohol, miss a job opportunity, etc.)

i've been thinking about this status for a month now. not just because of this particular one, but because of countless other things i have seen and heard of similar accord lately. even, and especially, in my own life.

i'm going to be vulnerable here.

i'm petrified of being rejected and abandoned. like P-E-T-R-I-F-I-E-D. the healthy part of me (which thanks to my healing journey is 90-95% of the time), doesn't let my past full of either seep into my present and current relationships, but, if i'm not careful, the unhealthy side of me can, and will.

i've felt like a basket case ever since my montreal team left. so many emotions all at once. excitement and happiness. pride (of good and bad nature.). gratitude. insecurity. deep bouts of loneliness. unpredictable waves of grief. (i haven't experienced the gut wrenching cries like i have this week since shortly after my mom passed away.) - and the list goes on.

truth be told, i feel like my wounds are exposed, and because of that, i feel extra vulnerable, and because of that, i have been living and leading out of place of fear, insecurity and brokenness, instead of health, wholeness and security, and quite frankly, i'm feeling quite overwhelmed because of it.

that's why posts like the above are hard to let go of for me. because i get it. and because i know how damaging it can be when we don't recognize our wounds and cleanse our lens. (rhyming intentional.)

so, i've put some time aside this week to do just that: reflect, recognize, heal, and find my footing again. perhaps, if needed, this week can be that for you, too.