i've been laying in bed the past few days trying to come up with words to describe the battle i've been fighting, but even my prayers have come up empty. please excuse my feeble attempts at processing my thoughts as i sit here and type.

i think the biggest thing is how lonely and out of place i've felt here lately. i've become extremely frustrated with north american culture and our inability to put our phones down for ten minutes and carry a meaningful conversation, and our need to spend 1000's of dollars on stuff that moth and rust destroy, when people in our own backyard are dying without the bare necessities. [ranting done]. i feel like God is doing a deep work in me when it comes to living a simple life [even more simple than i am now] and giving me a deeper love for the poor, but with that comes frustration with the culture we live in. as a result, i find myself constantly fighting against being judgemental towards people who 'don't get it'. forgive me. [disclaimer: in no ways am i saying that it's wrong to work hard, make money, and spend it on nice stuff - that's not my point].

my heart aches for the church and longs for the type of community i read about in acts so bad! i was reading a book about the types of pathways that connect people to God and according to the author's theories - which i found very accurate - i was designed to learn relationally, which means i learn about christ and draw closest to him through deep, meaningful relationships. on the contrary, i feel empty and unfulfilled without them.

the crappy thing is, my love languages are the two that people have the hardest time giving: words and quality time, so i'm continually battling feeling unloved no matter which approach others use to show me otherwise. [if you have no idea what i'm talking about, you should check out dr. gary chapman's book 'the five love languages'; it may change your life].

more thoughts later ... maybe.