i've been sitting here trying to pound out a blog that could adequately describe how i've been feeling these past days, but my words have come up short. instead, i choose to kind of re-post [and by kind of i mean change it a bit] a blog i wrote back in december.
i, paula isabella, struggle with a disease called 'premenstrual dysphoric disorder', and wish more than anything that i didn't. [sorry, fellas, i promise not to get graphic].
in grade eight, i had my first bout of depression. i had no idea where it came from either. i was in the running for female athlete of the year [at 32, i still 'got game'] and an english award, i had friends, good grades, you name it; but all of a sudden, this 'thing' hit me. i went from feeling happy to hopeless, and though i didn't know it at the time, deeply depressed, which seemed to be a monthly battle from there on in.
fast forward to my 27th year. i was living in edmonton at the time and hit my deepest bout of depression yet. after spending four very long days in bed [and 15 years battling this demon], i decided that i needed to get some help. days later, i began tracking my moods on a calendar.
if i had a good day, i drew a happy face. a normal day, a normal [?] one, and when i felt depressed, i drew a sad face. it didn't take me very long to realize that these episodes were surrounding my bless-ed period. [again, sorry, fellas].
so i did what any one of us would do: i googled it [which i don't highly recommend as it usually leads you to a hypochondriac who convinces you that you have some form of cancer]. i very quickly came across a disease called 'premenstrual dysphoric disorder', and within minutes, had the answer to the question i was asking myself all of these years: "what the heck is wrong with me?"
i took my findings to my doctor, was diagnosed with PMDD almost immediately, and put on a mild anti-depressant for six months to help me cope.
in addition to this, i started seeing a counselor and began looking at ways in which i could combat this battle of mine every month.
six months later, as mentioned above, i was taken off of the anti-depressants and began fighting this demon with the tools i had been given through counseling. i had good days and bad days. i lost some friends, and quality of life, but i finally came to a point years later where i could function during these two weeks each month, even though my emotions were still too intense for me at times.
thankfully, my last bout of depression was august 2010 [right before i moved to ottawa]. I WAS FINALLY FREE AND HAD NEVER FELT BETTER. i felt content. happy. fulfilled even.
then my dad passes away. add that to the fact that i was working for an unhealthy organization, and BOOM - all of a sudden my emotions become even more amplified and i no longer [feel like i] know how to cope with life. and soon after, the depression episodes reappeared.
i withdrew. cried myself to sleep more often than not. felt hopeless. suicidal even. i tried everything. praying. reading my bible. all the things people in the church have told me i need to do in times like this. only nothing seemed to be working. life just kept getting darker and darker.
i went on meds for a bit, but soon came off of them once my pharamicist informed me that the dose i was taking would take a 'very long time to work, if at all'. i tried counseling again, only to end up counseling my counselor. [no joke]. so i sit here feeling lost again.
it's an odd feeling knowing in your heart that you have so much to be grateful for [and i do], but having your mind constantly tell you the complete opposite. for the past few days i've had this lingering voice telling me that i'm unloveable/not good enough/a failure, and truthfully, i don't have much fight left in me today to tell it otherwise.
but i get out of bed and fight any ways, hoping that i'm just a few short days away from feeling like myself again.