there seems to be quite the disconnect between my head and my heart these days, causing me to feel trapped in this frustrating place i like to call the 'process pathway'.

my heart tells me that many people love me, but my head tells me otherwise. and quite honestly, so does circumstance sometimes.

really though, how is it that i have dedicated my life to investing in people, and yet, when it comes down to it, i have no one to bring me ginger ale when i'm stuck in my room for three days with the flu, and/or heat stroke and dehydration?

i get it. people are busy with work and their own families. but what's the point in investing everything i have into people [which comes with sacrifice at times], when i don't have anyone to take care of me when i need taken care of?

even a phone call would have sufficed, or a simple, 'how are you feeling, paula? can i do anything?'.

i sit here battling many things as i type this. do i keep investing in others to the degree that i do without expecting anything in return? you know - 'be the change that i wish to see in the world'? - or do i shrink back and stop investing in people to the degree that i do in order to protect my already calloused heart?

now before you get all spiritual on me, christian folk, i'm fully aware that jesus invested in people without expecting anything in return, as i'm equally aware that he willingly invested in people he knew would betray him and turn on him in an instant, which blows me away every time i think about it. but i'm not jesus, and neither are you. [it was not my intent to offend anyone here].

truth be told, i bet if you were honest with yourself, you could admit that you, too, expect some kind of return for your relational investments, and feel 'jipped' if your investment isn't reciprocated to some degree, no?

i don't know. maybe i'm way out in left field here. [hopefully the same left field that rajai davis is in].

better keep processing.

please note: this blog wasn't written with anyone specific in mind.