Saturday, November 28, 2015

my life has been a world wind of craziness this past month, [the same can be said about the lives of those i love the most], so i haven't been able to sit down and blog much. truthfully, i'm not sure how much will come out now either, but i thought i'd sit down and attempt to write out my thoughts any ways.

i'm heading back to ottawa in the morning to spend the week with my mom while my sister and brother-in-law sail the ocean on a much needed cruise. i'm excited to spend some time with her, and rest, but i'm feeling a little sad about leaving some of my loved ones here, too. truth be told, there are hurting people everywhere, and you, my dear reader, may be one of them.

i don't know much; i can't figure out why people have to suffer, why some suffer more than others, and why heartache of any calibre sucks so much, but one thing i do know is this: God promises to be close to the broken hearted [psalm 34:18] and promises never to abandon us in our pain (or ever, for that matter). [deuteronomy 31:6 and hebrews 13:5, to name a few].

jesus, be near.

those are the words i keep praying over and over for my mom as she battles terminal cancer, for my friends who are grieving the loss of a loved one or a relationship, for others facing the most confusing of situations, and for myself, as i carry some of it with them, and face pain in my own life.

we can argue all we want with scripture and wrestle though its accuracy [a process i find to be healthy], but we can't argue with experience.

as i sit here and write, my mind goes back to one of the loneliest times in my life to date. i made a move across the country to do an internship on the streets of vancouver back in 2003. despite leaving all i knew behind, i remember feeling super excited as i boarded the plane that day, and ready for the adventure that met me on the other side of it.

what i didn't know at the time, though, is how lonely of a season it would be for me.

i thought my friends would call, or write. i thought i'd find a circle of friends out there to hang out with all of the time and keep me busy [one of my coping mechanisms to anything, really]; i thought i'd be okay.

but i wasn't. for most of my internship, i felt deeply alone and depressed.

and on one dark day specifically, that loneliness brought me to the ground. for a long time, i found myself weeping face first in the carpet in my office. i wept, and groaned, and beat the ground. [that may sound dramatic to some of you, but some of you know exactly what i'm talking about because you've been there].

suddenly [although it didn't feel very suddenly at the time], peace covered me like a blanket, and i knew - i just knew - that God was right there with me in my deepest anguish.

i'll never forget the assurance i felt in that moment, and the strength that followed that allowed me to get back up and move on with my day, or the countless other times i have felt similar peace, and strength, either.

so, to you, my beloved reader, i am praying for you today! i'm praying that you would feel God surround you, that peace would cover you like a blanket, that you would have the strength to keep going, and most importantly, i'm praying for jesus to be near. to you, and to me. amen.

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