i did something that i'm not proud of today [something that i'm not comfortable enough to blog about, or even share with anyone at this point], and sadly, doing something i'm not proud of seems to be the norm for me lately.

the truth is, i hate who i've become ever since my mom died.

sure, you can tell me that i have 'every right to feel the way i do' - and you're absolutely right - but the loss that i feel isn't an excuse for me to turn into an angry, negative, monster, complaining about anything and everything, and becoming irritable - really irritable - with the wonderful people i know and love, and even those i don't.

my 'go to' when i feel like this is to disconnect from everyone by turning off my phone and facebook and hide in my room, and THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL LIKE DOING, but the one ounce of health that's left in my mind today is telling me not to, and to reach out instead.

the thing is, guys, i don't know what to do.

i know how i feel, and how scary my thoughts are at times. i know how much i hate myself and who i've become, but feel ill-equipped to combat it, and believe me when i say this, i want to be able to combat this more than anything.

but how? the last four counselors i went to either weren't equipped to help me or didn't know how to, abandoned me [true story], or accused me [even though that's a poor choice of words] of being a lesbian in my first session and assumed that i had a hard time 'coming out of the closet because of my religion' [in case you, too, were wondering, i am not a lesbian; the reason i haven't been in a serious relationship is because 1) i am petrified of intimacy and abandonment, and 2) i haven't found a good fit].

even still, i'd be willing to try counseling again if i found someone who could actually help me at an affordable price.

and then there's meds. [this is me being vulnerable here]. i've tried a few to conquer my depression and anxiety in the past, both of which have increased since my mom passed away, but those haven't helped, either.

so i sit here feeling lost, and decided to put it out there in hopes that one of you may know what to do since i don't. all i do know is that i don't want to feel like this any longer; i want to feel like myself again, and live my life to its full!

ps. please don't give up on me.