i was filling out an easter card for my world vision kids the other day [they sent it to me after easter lol], and one of the questions they asked me was what food i ate the most as a kid. truthfully, i had no idea, and the sad part is, i don't have anyone to ask. as odd as this may sound, this was a defining moment for me. losing my mom meant grieving some of my past.

my sisters and i were together not too long a go when my younger sister said, "i'm so happy that mom was here for my wedding. sorry, robin" [who is getting married again sometime in the future], to which she replied, "that's okay; i'm just glad she met brian and knows that i'm happy".

unbeknownst to them, my heart sank in the backseat of the car as i started to think about the things my mom would miss in my own life. she won't be here to see me flourish, meet the man of my dreams when he shows up, or rock my babies to sleep when i can't due to sheer exhaustion. i no longer have a mom, my future husband won't have a mother-in-law, and my kids, a grandma. losing my mom meant grieving part of my future.

and the present, too.

i wanted to call her for advice the other day, and very quickly realized i couldn't. i want to text her about how excited i am to see my jays play at fenway, but can't. i want her to be able to call and wish me a happy birthday on friday, but she can't ... and the list goes on.

grieving some of my past is hard, grieving my future without her is harder, but grieving her presence in my life today is the hardest.

miss you every single day, mom. xo