i was in love once. for seven years, actually.

his name was api and he made me 'hapi'; he was tall, dark, and handsome, just the way i like 'em, but his heart? even more beautiful! it was bigger than he was, steadfast, full of compassion and dedicated to serving the God he put all of his faith in.

the only 'downfall?' he lived in fiji (we met in hong kong), and at the time, i didn't want to leave everything i knew and move to his beautiful white sand-filled island (this sounds even more appealing to me now that i type this) so we tried everything we could to get him here. a while later, he stopped talking to me out of the blue. nine months later, thanks to Facebook, i found out why; he had a baby with some woman who loves white sand more than i do, and they are currently (i suspect), making sand castles on the beach together as api serenades them with his beautiful voice and wooden guitar. on a beach. (you got that part, right?)

i miss this particular fijian hunk even more every time i open an email on christian cafe (stay away from that site, ladies - the only way men and coffee mix is in the book of he-brews). the 'someone emailed you' email has become quite the dreadful experience (or, at the very least, a humourous one). i have one stalker from india who has emailed me creepy emails in the past and continues to view my profile at least once a day, another from close by who does the same (and emails me at least once a month forgetting that he already has), and, as i believe i've mentioned before, really old men who like to show me that their eyelids still work at that age by winking at me. repeatedly.

all kidding aside, i haven't really opened myself up to the idea of dating (or marriage) since. partially because of the selection (api raised the bar), but mostly because i am petrified of commitment of any kind (especially the relational kind) and have told myself (and believed) that it will never happen for me.

BUT in time, we grow (at least we should), and i have been working on my trust and commitment issues by ways of my current jobs (i am about to renew my contract with one of them) and through relationships with friends who have proven to be safe. the man thing will come. in fact, i have a lady in regent park who fervently prays for one to come along (and reminds me of this each and every week) and an adorable six year old boy who likes to remind me of the same. God hears their prayers. and he hears the ones that i have started to pray for myself this week, too.

'awaken this part of my life, Oh Lord. help me to trust love and trust you and your timing. and please, for the love of God (the love of you?), please don't let me be a cat lady. i hate cats (which you know because you created me.)' amen.

ps. this post was written with the intent to share my life with you and make you smile; no need to fill my comment section with things like "you should try this dating site - so and so met her husband there" (i know, i've been on most of them) or "God has the perfect guy for you" ones. He does, but i may have missed the boat. literally; fiji is an island ... a beautiful island filled with white sand, gorgeous hunks who play guitar and the bongos, beautiful palm trees, and never ending sun and piña coladas ;)