you realize that i just don't have the words, don't you? that i'm not being an ass when i shut down and stare at you blankly when you ask me what's wrong or what i'm thinking? i don't know that there are words to describe this illogical darkness that i carry around with me. trust me, i've searched for them.

i do know that it's not welcome and that i have prayed it away - pleaded it away - every single time it decided to rear its ugly head and every time it still does. i pray with my whole heart, wondering why on earth i've been given this demon to fight. it's ruining my life, and frankly, i'm exhausted from fighting it.

that's what depression does; it exhausts you.

it also blindsides you.

mind you, there are triggers at times, too. for me they come in the way of not feeling like i belong somewhere or that i'm being overlooked. it peaks its head when i'm feeling really lonely (especially the 'no one understands me' kind, which surfaced when i lost my mom) or spend too much time alone. and it surfaces when i'm feeling deeply insecure or inadequate.

recognizing the triggers is half the battle, right?

but then what? (this is not something i am looking for you to answer, nor do i want you to.)

i have the tools i need to make it through. i force myself to get out of bed and get outside where i am now, eat (relatively) right, exercise, do things that bring me life etc. i have a counsellor on hand when i need her and a job that enables me to pay for her. i try and reach out to friends. i worship and pray and muster up enough energy to remember scripture that will help, and does help, me through.

i tell myself i am good enough and loved. smart. gifted. kind. compassionate. full of joy. all of which i am proud to be.

but then i look around and feel left out. people are car pooling without me, or planning vacations without me, or sharing meals together (damn you social media) and my birthday comes and i have no plans two days before and i am sitting at my computer trying to muster enough courage to buy one ticket to a musical i am dying to see.

one ticket.
table for one, please.

that's it, isn't it? the fact i feel so alone? but how does one fix that without the co-operation of other people? without people seeing your need?

solitude is one thing. i need alone time to reflect and be quiet. (yes, even me). but too much of it is really, really hard. and suffocating.

my parents are gone, my family lives hours away, my housemate is rarely home (i don't blame her), my desk is at the back of the office where people rarely are, and the church i go to is great, but 1) i'm a leader there and people look to me accordingly (ministry is lonely in and of itself) and 2) i can't attend the service at the moment because of my role.

so ... i shut down and give up. what else is there to do? i've tried everything and i'm getting really tired of these deep and intense mood swings (and the deep rooted anger behind it all) and want more than anything to be healthy and whole. (as whole as i can be on this side of the world, that is.)