Wednesday, September 5, 2012

sometimes all you have to hang on to is the promise that things will look up. they always do, after all.

i've been in this 'weird space' ever since i stepped foot on the plane to honduras. and by weird i mean weeeeird. it's as if any confidence i had in myself [and God through me] vanished, leaving me battling a ton of self-hate and feeling unworthy of anyone's love.

not that i battle such thoughts often, but when i do, i'm usually good at combating them. but this time seemed to be different.

i felt angry during honduras, as if the world owed me something. i was extremely sick all week as mentioned in a previous blog, which i'm sure factored into the way i felt, but i remember sitting there and becoming bitter about 'how much i give' and how i always seem to 'get nothing in return', and sooner than later, i became bitter at the fact that i seem to have to initiate all most of of relationships in my life.

i started looking at people - my friends mainly - through this bitter lens, causing me to become blind to the ways in which they would try and reach out.

and sadly, i carried this attitude home with me.

after a disagreement with a friend [and my brother's girlfriend], i came to the conclusion that i, paula castrucci, am unworthy of love. [RIDICULOUS, i know].

but after a good cry last night, some of my walls came crumbling down, and thankfully, i am one step closer to believing the truth, and walking in it once again.

because the truth is, i am loved. the truth is, i'm surrounded by many - and i mean many - people who love me and who serve as a constant reminder that 'love is kind'.

i came home from honduras with $60 to my name [which quickly went down to $40 after a quick grocery run]. knowing that i have bills to pay and a wedding to be in this weekend, i began to feel overwhelmed.

next thing you know, i receive an e-transfer for $50 in my inbox from a friend in BC who wanted to remind me that i am loved. then my mom came and insisted [in true motherly fashion] that i accept the five $20 bills she tried to slip me...then my younger sister bought me the shoes i need for my friend's wedding...then my older sister whipped out her credit card without even thinking twice and covered my $230 seamstress bill [losing weight is costly!]...then my best friend buys me dinner, my favourite mints, and bus tickets...and the list goes on.

the truth is, love is kind, and i am loved.

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