i can relate to the turtle. or at least retreat like one. i peak my head out to see if it's safe, and if it is, i stay awhile. if it's not, i go back into my shell and hide.

it's conflicting, actually. i preach about, and long for, community, but it's ... tiring. at least for me, an enneagram two, it is.

i listened to a podcast the other day about this sort of thing, actually, and something stuck out to me: we enneagram twos, "the helpers", feel like no one will love us if we stop "doing things" for them. no one will love me if they i stop encouraging people or making them laugh, for example. but what if i can't? and sometimes, i can't. sometimes, i'm moody AF (thats what the kids say these days). sometimes, i feel sad, angry, anxious, overwhelmed.

the truth is, i hate this side of me, and subconsciously, if i'm not careful, i can project that hate onto other people.

and so back in my shell i go. i lock myself in my room, turn off my phone and hide under the covers until i decide to come out again.

"did you hear so and so died?". back to my bubble.

"paula, i need you to pray for me". back in my shell.

of course, this isn't the norm, thankfully. i'd be happy to listen and pray with you, or make you laugh.

but sometimes, i can't. sometimes, i need to retreat to my room, turn out the light and lie down in peace.

yesterday was one of those days, and today, though i've made my way down to the living room, is, too.

it won't last, though. tomorrow, i have to lead a few dozen american students on an educational street walk through toronto for gateway's men shelter. wednesday, i have small group. thursday and friday i'm in the office with my summer students. saturday, regent park, and sunday, the team arrives from new brunswick and i'm tied up for the week.

truthfully, i feel overwhelmed just typing this out.

but, as i sit here, i am reminded of a story found in exodus 16.

the gist of it? the israelites thought they were going to starve in the desert (fair), but then the Lord said to moses,"i will rain down bread from heaven for you. the people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day" (vs. 4).

let’s pick the story up in verse 13:

"that evening quail came and covered the camp, and in the morning there was a layer of dew around the camp. when the dew was gone, thin flakes like frost on the ground appeared on the desert floor. when the Israelites saw it, they said to each other, “what is it?” for they did not know what it was.

moses said to them, “it is the bread the Lord has given you to eat. this is what the Lord has commanded: ‘everyone is to gather as much as they need. take an omer for each person you have in your tent'”

the Israelites did as they were told; some gathered much, some little. and when they measured it by the omer, the one who gathered much did not have too much, and the one who gathered little did not have too little. everyone had gathered just as much as they needed.

then Moses said to them, “no one is to keep any of it until morning.”

however, some of them paid no attention to moses; they kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell. and moses was angry with them" (verses 13-20)

(hopefully you ate dinner before reading this.)

i don't know about you, but i can find myself in this verse.

the Bible would tell us not to worry about tomorrow (so would many wise people) for "tomorrow has enough worry of its own" (how encouraging.)

but there's something to be said about only 'collecting' that which we need for the day ahead, or if you will, trusting God, "Our Daily Bread", for it each and every day.

need strength and energy to lead a street walk? it will meet you in the morning. grace to get you through that meeting? courage to have a tough conversation? guidance to make that important decision? that's waiting for you, too. and i'll choose that over maggots any day.

at least, i'll try to.